Dammit, that’s exactly what I didn’t want him to conclude. “It’s not a no. I’d love to see you compete. I’d love to support you in person if it’s what you want to do. But I also don’t want to make commitments I can’t honor, and that means I can’t give you an answer without talking to Carter about the options.”
“I’m not saying drop everything and travel with me.” His brows draw together darkly.
“And I’m not saying I won’t travel at all.” I force my voice to stay level despite the rising panic in my chest.Please let him hear what I’m actually saying and not what he’s afraid I mean. “What if Carter and I compare the racing schedule to the guest calendar, and we’ll find when it makes the most sense for me to go with you.”
“Fuck the calendar.” He shoots out of the chair and starts pacing the room. “This isn’t about making a schedule, it’s about whether this is worth exploring.” He draws an imaginary line between us. “Now I know.”
“Ryder.” I stand cautiously, resting my hands on the desk for support. “It is worth exploring. That’s what I’m trying to do, by making a plan.”
“All I wanted was a simple yes or no, not a plan. I thought you were warming up, Frosty. Guess I was wrong.” With a flick of his wrist, he jerks the lock open and flings the door wide, so hard it slams against the wall it’s anchored to. Then he stomps off without a backward glance, leaving me all alone.
I can’t even be pissed about that, since it’s a prime example of why getting involved with someone before you’ve tackled your own demons is a risky proposition. Unfortunately, I’m no less tempted to take that risk than I was before he stormed out.
***
“He can see you now.” Carter’s assistant tips her head toward his office door, indicating I can go in.
Rising from the stiff waiting room chair, I take my time crossing the room, as if that will somehow give me the courage I need to get through this meeting. The one where I admit to my boss that I’ve crossed a line, and potentially ruined not just Ryder’s career, but his recovery.
I debated for nearly an hour whether I should speak up or not—Ryder’s never been particularly accepting of people trying to meddle in his life—but this is bigger than just my relationship with him. Maybe the only other person who stuck their neck out on his behalf can fix my mistake. Or at the very least keep him from making one because he’s angry with me.
Please don’t let this be a disaster.With a deep breath I rap twice on the ominous wood door before pushing it open.
“Hayden.” The friendly smile falls from his face as he gets a look at mine. “What’s wrong?”
The heavy door swings shut with athunkas I cross the room to his desk. “I screwed up.” My voice is barely a whisper. At this point, I’m surprised it exists at all.
“Sit,” he commands, rounding the desk to take the chair next to the one I sink into. “This is about Ryder, isn’t it?”
My already queasy stomach does another somersault.
“How…?”
“I saw you dancing at the benefit. The Ryder I know, the one who hasn’t been able to deal with the death of his brother, wouldn’t have left his barstool much less danced with someone. You got through to him.”
Shaking my head, I look at him with watery eyes. “That’s the problem. I didn’t just get through to him. I… We…”As if sleeping with someone who’s in recovery wasn’t unprofessional enough, now I’m blubbering about it to my boss.
“You’re involved.”
My gaze drops to my lap as I nod, swallowing audibly. “I know how unethical it is to get involved with him. He's in a vulnerable place, and that's rule number one since it could completely sidetrack his progress, but it just happened. And I don't even know why I'm telling you this, but I don't know what to do."
“What happened?” His voice sounds more concerned than angry, which helps me get my words out.
“Ryder asked if I’d come to some of his events—if he got back into racing. Instead of saying yes, I jumped into the weeds trying to figure out the details of how that would work. Now, I think I’ve steered himbackward. I don’t know how he’s going to react, but based on how he did with me, it’ll be rash. I’m worried he’ll drink again, or worse, do something to lose his sponsorship before he’s made a decision for himself.”
I hold my breath, waiting for the blowup that’s sure to come after revealing the mess I created. Instead, Carter tilts his head to the side and calmly asks, “Would you? Go to his events, I mean?”
“I uh… You're not mad? I potentially turned Ryder off to racing at all. Hell, I might've driven him back into the dark place he just came out of. Why are you asking if I’d go to his events?”
“He obviously wants you there, if you’re willing to go.” The way he casually lifts his shoulder makes it seem like the answer is clear, though I’m still foggy.
“Is going to the races even an option with this job? Do I still have a job?”
“You’re doing it again.” His lips form a sad smile. “Don’t think about the logistics, just answer yes or no. Would you go to his events?”
My eyes blink in rapid succession, trying to spot the disconnect between Carter’s words and his expression. If it exists, I can’t find it.I guess he’s serious.
“Yes,” I admit. “I’d go.”
