“How so?”
"I wanted to have children of my own," I said quietly.
“Tell me more about the reason you accepted the job, Lisa.”
“I needed the money. I just lost my job.”
“Let’s explore the reason you couldn’t use the money from your divorce settlement.”
I sucked in a breath and let out a deep sigh. “Because that’s not my money. I don’t want that money.”
“Talk about that.”
"I don't know. I guess I just want to pretend that it doesn't exist. Can we change the subject? I really don't want to talk about that money. Even if I didn't have the money from the divorce, my parents would help me financially, but I don't want their money either. I want to earn my own way."
“What does ‘earning your own way’ mean for you?”
“I guess it means that I’m a person who is valuable and worthy. I’m more than my ability to bear children and have people take care of me.”
“Do you feel that accepting this money means that you don’t have value as a person?”
"Yes. That money makes me feel like Queen Catherine of Aragon when she was shunted off to a castle in the countryside when her husband dumped her for Anne Boleyn."
"Is what I hear that you don't feel entitled to compensation for time and effort in your marriage?"
I haven't thought about it this way before. My father had been trying to drum this idea into my head for the duration of my divorce proceedings. At the time, I thought he was pushing for such a large sum because he was sure I'd never find someone else and wanted to know I'd be taken care of for the rest of my life. He also wanted to destroy my ex-husband, but I was too numb from the shock of the only life I'd envisioned for myself crumbling around me to pay attention. Something about working for Cole and spending all the time with CJ made Dr. Burch's words click into place.
I did a lot for my husband during our marriage. I didn't think of it as a service, but it didn't seem that my husband put value in anything I did for him, or he wouldn't have cheated on me and tossed me aside like a piece of garbage. Maybe I did deserve that money for everything I put up with from him.
“Lisa,” Dr. Burch prodded. “The point of these sessions is to work through these issues out loud. Tell me what you’re thinking.”
I told her my thoughts in as much detail as I could remember.
“That’s progress. Tell me about your last doctor’s appointment. Things are going well with Dr. Douglas?”
“Dr. Douglas is amazing. Following her protocol hasn’t always been easy, but she says I’m making real progress.”
“Do you agree, Lisa?”
“Well,” I began slowly. “I definitely feel better, and my symptoms are getting easier to manage.” I paused.
Dr. Burch didn't speak, so I turned to look at her. Her eyebrows were raised as if she instinctually knew I wasn't telling her everything. I took a deep breath and felt my eyes sting and well with tears.
"She said that I should consider using birth control because I might be ovulating." My voice cracked, and I couldn't say anything more.
“You appear to be upset about this.”
This is why therapy was so frustrating. I was grateful for Dr. Burch, and she's helped me cope with a lot after my divorce, but unfortunately, baring your soul and facing hard truths about yourself was the path to healing. It was a hard path, and today it felt more like a climb.
I reiterated all of the thoughts that plagued me after my last appointment leading up to me becoming CJ’s nanny.
“You just told me you loved your job.”
"I do, but…" I sighed. "It’s confusing. I love spending time with CJ. I've been able to save money for the first time since I moved to New York, but I feel conflicted."
“How so?”
"A woman stopped me at the playground last week and told me how beautiful my son was, and how much he looked like me." I swallowed. "I didn't correct her. I just smiled and said, thank you."
