“What if it doesn’t work? What if I lose him and CJ? What if he doesn’t feel the same way?”
“What is a reward without risk?”
I didn't answer her, and I sat in silence for a long time.
“Should I tell him?” I finally asked.
"That's for you to decide."
“Can’t you just tell me exactly what to do this one time?”
“That’s not my job,” she said with a chuckle. “My job is to help you explore what’s best for you. You already have all the answers. I encourage you to unlock them. We’re out of time, Lisa. But I think we did some good work today. See you in two weeks.”
As homework,Dr. Burch suggested I make a pro/con list of telling Cole that I was in love with him. Even though I thought it was a dumb cliché, it actually turned out to be helpful. My pro list filled two pages, and my con list had consisted of eight words.
What if he doesn’t feel the same way?
I chickened out on Monday morning. Cole was acting really strange when I let myself in. He seemed more stressed than usual and almost distant. He'd been working long hours, and I know he missed seeing CJ during the day. That's why I always sent him videos, and he never forgot to tell me how much he appreciated them—another reason I loved him.
Somewhat relieved by my decision to wait, I handed him his coffee and told him to have a good day at work. He thanked me and pinned me with an expression I couldn't place. I wondered if our "agreement" was taking a toll on him, too. It was on me. I missed his touch and his natural way of being with me. I resolved to not let another day go by without telling him how I felt about him, no matter what.
I putCJ to bed at eight thirty and asked him to wish me luck. He blew me a kiss, and I went downstairs to wait for Cole to come home. I let my hair down and tried to wipe the stains off my shirt. My legs weren't shaved, and I was wearing granny panties, but I knew Cole wouldn't care, and I was a little annoyed at myself for jumping so far ahead when I didn't even know how Cole would react.
It was a little after nine when he finally walked in, dropped his backpack, and kicked off his shoes.
“Did I miss him again?”
"By about a half an hour, sorry," I said.
He sighed, sank into the couch, and picked up the baby monitor. CJ was sprawled in the middle of his bed fast asleep, looking like a starfish in footie pajamas. I took my usual spot on the opposite end of the couch.
"How was work?" I was suddenly nervous, and I hoped some small talk would ease the tension.
“Fucking long.” He sighed. “How was your day?”
“It was good. We hung out at the park. We got to see the ducks at the pond. CJ found a turtle.”
"Yeah, that video was hilarious. Thanks for sending it." He gave me a tired half-smile.
"My pleasure." I returned his smile, and our eyes met. Worry creased Cole's exhausted expression. "Hey, are you okay?"
"Lisa, I have to talk to you about something," he said, suddenly serious.
“I have to talk to you about something, too.”
“Oh, shit. Please tell me you’re not quitting.”
"No, I'm not quitting." I smiled, but my stomach was in knots.
“Thank fucking Christ.” He sighed and leaned his head back on the couch, but then sat up abruptly. “What do you have to tell me?”
“You go first.”
He furrowed his brow at me, then relaxed and took one of my hands in both of his. My heart started to race.
"Lisa," he began. "When we first met, we didn't get off on the right foot." He gave me a small smile that didn't reach his eyes. "But then we got to know each other, and you've been so amazing with CJ… I'm fucking rambling already." He raked a hand through his hair.
My chest tightened, and my breath quickened. This was it. Our feelings were mutual.
