“December twenty-seventh.”
“So, a little less than three months,” I said quietly.
“Yeah,” he whispered.
“And you’ll pay off my student loans?”
“Yeah, of course.”
“We don’t have a ring.”
“We can go get one. How about Saturday…if you’re not busy?”
I swallowed a lump in my throat and nodded.
"Lisa," he said. I looked up at him and was willing myself not to cry. "Thank you so much. Thank you." The tips of his fingers twitched as if he wanted to reach for me, but he restrained himself.
"You know I would do anything for that little nugget." I tried to smile, but my face wouldn't cooperate. I needed to leave. I stood and my limbs felt like they belonged to someone else. "I should get going."
“Hey.” Cole was still sitting on the couch. “Didn’t you have to talk to me about something?”
The nervous, excited butterflies I felt after I tucked CJ in and waited for Cole to come home had died and were lying in a putrefying heap in the pit of my stomach. What the hell had I been thinking? I couldn’t tell him now.
It's funny that you just asked me to pretend to want to marry you because I'm actually in love with you and won't be pretending.
"Um, well." My brain whirred desperately trying to grasp on to something, anything that would make sense. "The end of the month is almost here, and I thought I could move in next week."
“Oh yeah, sure.” His expression told me that he wasn’t buying that explanation, but he didn’t question me. “I can help you move on Sunday.”
"Actually, I'd rather do it myself—I mean, hire someone to help me—while you're at work."
“Okay.” It was the first time I’d ever heard someone disappointed about not being able to help someone move. “If you’re sure.”
"I'm sure." I walked toward the door, and though I didn't turn around, I could feel Cole's presence behind me.
I walked home, feeling Cole’s eyes on me, but I couldn’t bring myself to look up at him. Fully clothed, I flopped into my bed and cried until I fell asleep, forgetting to wear my CPAP again.
cole
twenty
Lisa spentthe rest of the week avoiding me, and I couldn't blame her. Asking her to pretend to be in love with me after I knew how her marriage ended and that her ex was getting remarried was a shitty thing to do. I was also sure that I'd ruined my chances of having any shot at Lisa and me getting together for real. Asking the woman you love to pretend to love you to perpetrate a fraud on the New York State Judicial System wasn't the best way to kick off a healthy relationship.
She still made me coffee every morning, but instead of waiting in the kitchen to give it to me, I found it resting on the countertop while she sat on the couch reading on her tablet. Videos of CJ's daily adventures were still sent to me, but when I would reply, she would leave me on read. Yes, I turned on the read receipts for all of her messages.
She moved her stuff in on Friday. I only knew because when I got home, she gave me a mechanical recap of her day with CJ and went upstairs instead of to the front door. Every night, after I watched her leave, I would find a plate of food wrapped up for me in the fridge.
I couldn’t sleep knowing that Lisa was down the hall and that she probably hated me. And like before, I had no one to blame but myself.
The pillow she slept on both nights she was in my bed still hadn't been washed. I slept with it every night. It still carried the faint smell of sweat and shampoo, or maybe I imagined it.
CJ's whimper on the baby monitor pulled me out of my late-night thoughts. I jumped up, ran down the hall to find Lisa already holding him and rocking side to side. She hummed softly and planted light kisses on the side of his head. Her face fell when she saw me standing in the doorway, and my heart clenched.
"Hey, I heard him on the baby monitor, so…" I stepped forward to reach out for CJ, and he swatted my hands away.
Lisa chuckled, and though it wasn't the usual laugh that lit up her whole face, it was good to see her smile again. "It's fine. That's why I'm here, isn't it?" Her smile faded, and she looked up at me with her eyebrow raised.
“No, I mean, yes, but—”
