My sister leans back in her chair, a look of horror on her face. “I swear to God, if you tell me someone hurt you, I will kill them and blame the hormones. No jury in the world will convict me.”
“No one but me. Your world wasn’t a safe place for me. So I removed myself from that space. I recognized the trigger and eliminated it.” I think back to those dark days. “There were constant comments on social media tearing me down. I was too thin. Too fat. Too blonde. Too stupid. The comments were endless. Every time they caught me in a picture with you, there were these horrible comparisons, and they broke me down, day by day, bit by bit, until I started to believe them.”
“I never knew,” Lilah sobs quietly.
“Because I never told you. Lilah, you haven’t looked at social media in a decade. Another thing you’ve proven you’re better at. You don’t care what they say about you. I haven’t mastered that yet. But I’m working on it.”
“But I would have cared what they said aboutyou,” Lilah insists as I reach for Mom’s hand.
“I know,” I tell my sister, then focus on Mom. “Like I said, being in that world was triggering, so I removed myself from it. You guys thought I was flaking out, but I was actually protecting myself.”
“By yourself,” Mom says solemnly, and I know I just ripped her heart out of her chest. Nattie Ryan loves with her whole soul. “Dillan, I would have never?—”
“I know,” I reassure her. “I wasn’t ready to talk about it back then. It took me nearly a year of serious therapy...”—I think back to those days and then that one voice—aside from my therapists—that I heard and hold my head a little higher—“and maybe a really great friend and a really amazing conversation to basically find myself again.”
“What do you mean?” Lilah asks as she wipes her cheeks.
“There’s something else I need to tell you...” I look between the two of them and search for the words I know are hiding behind the fear before focusing on my sister. “You know the book we’re reading in book club?”
“What?” Mom asks, confused.
“A Crown of Stars And Ruin?” Lilah asks, and Mom watches as I nod, my stomach roiling, threatening to bring up my ice cream.
“I wrote it.”
DILLAN
What do you want more than anything else in the world?
You.
—Text from Dillan to Rome.
Iwalk inside the house later that night, completely spent and emotionally wrung out in a way I’m not sure I’ve ever been before. But also feeling strangely good about it, like a weight’s been lifted. I’m not naive enough to think I did this on my own. I had help, and I’m a woman on a mission to find my helper.
“Rome,” I call out as I walk around the cabin, coming up empty.
He’s not in the office or the gym. The first floor is empty.Sports Centerisn’t even playing on the television. From here, I can see the lofted bedroom is empty and dark. Maybe he’s in theshower... By the time I get halfway up the open staircase, I can see the bathroom door open and feel the cool breeze chilling the air.
What in the world?
As I step into the bedroom, Rome comes into focus through the open balcony doors, seated on the chaise lounge. The blanket from his bed is wrapped around his shoulders, and binoculars are in his hands as he stares up at the starry sky.
“Hey,stellina.” He smiles, and I melt. “Come here.”
He opens his arms and makes room for me in front of him as I slide into his body and let him wrap me in the blanket, my back against his chest and my head against his shoulder. Body to body, fitting together like two puzzle pieces. Rome kisses my temple, and I hum in unbelievable contentment.
“What are you doing out here?” I ask, gazing up at him as he stares at the stars.
“The aurora borealis is supposed to be passing by tonight. Thought I’d watch.”
My heart skips a beat, and I fall a little harder.
“How was dinner with your mom and sister?” He tucks the blanket around us, and his heat envelops me even as the cool wind whips against my cheeks.
“I talked to them...” I whisper and let the words drift away with the wind.
“Yeah...?” He holds me a little tighter, his hands smoothing up and down my arms. “You okay?”
