Stesha’s fingers stop rubbing. He presses a kiss to the top of my head. “You’re all too lovely to me. I have to go. I’ll see you in a few days.”
He pulls out of my arms and walks away.
Watching him go causes a physical pain in my chest. Tears fill my eyes, and I swipe them away. I want to be with him. After all these years, I still don’t know where Stesha spends his ruts. Filled with frustration and longing, I wait until he’s nearly out of sight, and then I follow him.
13
Stesha
My teeth are aching and my knot is uncomfortably swollen as I pass through the castle gates and enter the city. I left things too late. I should be safely inside by now, but the fledglings needed me. Also, Zenevieve has been forlorn, and I didn’t want to leave her.
The world around me is overbright and unreasonably clear. Sensations are pouring into my brain, too many of them to sort out, and all of them annoy me.
If I had a mate, I might enjoy my ruts.
No, I think longingly. I know I would.
After a decade and a half of spending days on end in discomfort, frustration, loneliness, and anger, I wish I could be done with my ruts. I might go my whole life without once experiencing an enjoyable one. With every year that passes without my mate, it becomes more likely.
I turn down a street, and I don’t recognize where I am. Fuck, I’ve gone the wrong way. People are so noisy, and they’re alljostling me, and I have to bite back a snarl of anger as I turn around and stalk back up the street, dousing the area with my rutting scent. A few people cast me interested glances, or move hypnotically to follow me, but I ignore them. Alphas fall into two categories: those who want to fuck everything that moves or those who want no one until they find their mate. I fall into the latter group because I know I’m fated to an Omega. I can feel it with as much certainty as I know that sunshine is warm and that Nilak is my dragon. I used to believe that made me one of the lucky ones. So where is she?
Whereisshe?
I’m nearly thirty, and in my darkest, most wretched, and hopeless moments, usually when I’m at the tail end of another lonely rut, I’ve fantasized about throwing myself from Nilak into the sea because I’m so tired of always being alone. If I didn’t know it would break Nilak’s and Zenevieve’s hearts, the only hearts in the world that matter to me, maybe I would have done it by now.
I finally arrive at my destination at the end of a long alleyway, and I reach for the door handle.
A quavering voice speaks behind me. “You lied to me?”
I turn around and see Zenevieve standing a few feet away from me, her sparkling green eyes filled with tears.
She stares from me to the building I’m about to enter and back to me again. “This is a ruthouse, isn’t it? This is where Alphas go to spend their ruts with lavishes.” Zenevieve’s shoulders shake, and she dissolves into tears. “So you do see lavishes. Who is she? Is she prettier than me?”
I smell jealousy on her. I smell frustration and heartache. She’s had a shock, and I’m reeking like this, and now she’s upset. Betas sometimes can’t help but react this way around a familiar Alpha who’s in a rut. They grow attached via scent and mistaketheir feelings for something deeper. I feel helpless as I watch her cry, knowing I’m the reason.
No one’s prettier than you, Zen.
I bite back those words, which would be massively unhelpful in the circumstances. I don’t want to look at my ward and see the loveliest young woman I’ve ever beheld. She doesn’t need to know I think she’s beautiful, because she’s not my mate.
But gods, when I realized she started having feelings for me, I wished she was. The man who has Zenevieve as his mate will be the luckiest man in the world.
I take a step toward her, feeling a wave of jealousy at the thought of Zenevieve with another man. When she was younger, I could brush off my jealous feelings about Zabriel, Emmeric, Dandro, and other men paying her attention as protectiveness, but she’s eighteen now. I’m not being protective when I glare at other men who try to talk to her. I’m just plain jealous.
I take a step toward her, resisting the urge to pull her into my arms and bury my face in her throat. Even just looking at her right now soothes my temper. A kiss would be more sweetness than I’ve ever known. A bite would be paradise. “Zen, I don’t see lavishes. This is just the best place in the city for an Alpha to go when he’s in a rut. The only comfort I seek is a quiet room away from all irritations so I don’t lose my temper and rip someone’s head off.”
I started coming here during my ruts after I took her in so she didn’t have to put up with a noisy, angry Alpha in the home. The poor girl had enough upheaval to deal with already.
Zenevieve presses both of her palms against my bare chest and entreats me. “I wish you didn’t leave. I miss you so much when you go.”
I swallow a groan as her fingers press against my muscles. Zenevieve’s touch is heavenly. “You wouldn’t like me to be athome in this state. I can’t sleep, I pace around all night in a bad mood, and I reek.”
“I have never minded your temper. You always smell lovely, and your scent is even better now.” She reaches up on tiptoe and strokes her fingers through my hair and down my oversensitive nape. That’s where my scent gland is, and it feels so good to be touched there that I can’t hide it. I groan in relief and wrap both my arms around her, lifting her up off the ground. Zenevieve is so fucking beautiful. I always think so, but right now with her lovely body pressed against mine, I can’t remember why I walked away and left her at the dragongrounds.
It wouldn’t be so terrible if I kept her with me, would it?
Zenevieve wraps her arms around my neck and takes a deep breath of my scent. “You go into this building where Alphas spend time with lavishes, and you’ll be all alone?”
Eyes closed and with my arms locked tight around her, I nod.
