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‘No. No, I wouldn’t,’ she said shortly.
They had come out this morning to restock her wardrobe. At first she had refused to buy herself any new clothes, wearing the old ones she had found in her wardrobe and in her old bedroom, using the excuse that she couldn’t afford to commit herself to that kind of purchase until after her insurance claim had been settled, and her family had allowed her to have her way, even though she had seen the concern in her mother’s eyes when she had come down for breakfast for the fourth morning running wearing the same old jeans and sweat-shirt.
But she didn’t want to buy new clothes... pretty clothes. People... men seeing her wearing them would think that she wanted to attract their attention; that she wanted them to speculate sexually about her.
Leigh hadn’t been as indulgent as their parents, though. She had arrived this morning, announcing that she had taken the day off work and that she and Debra were going shopping, and she didn’t allow Debra to refuse.
‘Well, you’re going to have to buy something,’ Leigh told her in exasperation when they had left the fifth shop without her making any purchases. ‘You can’t go back to work in those old jeans.’
Debra turned her head away. She didn’t want to go back to work. Going back to work meant facing Marsh. She knew he had told her parents that she must have as much time off as she felt she needed.
As much time as she needed. Like the rest of her life, and even that wouldn’t be long enough for her to forget what Kevin Riley had said to her.
She woke up sometimes in the night, brought out of the deepest sleep by the echo of those words, only sometimes it wasn’t Kevin who was saying them, but Marsh.
She couldn’t tell anyone about those dreams. Not anyone.
She knew that her family were concerned about her. She was, when she had the energy, concerned about herself. She knew she couldn’t spend the rest of her life hiding away from Marsh...from reality, but she also knew that she wasn’t strong enough to face either of them as yet.
‘Look,’ she heard Leigh saying firmly to her, ‘either you choose something or I’ll choose it for you, Debra.’
She knew that Leigh meant it, and so reluctantly in the next shop they went in she bought a suit and two plain shirts.
‘Grey?’ Leigh questioned in distaste as they left. ‘What on earth made you choose that? It’s so dull... so... so anonymous.’
Debra made no reply, smiling grimly to herself. That was exactly why she had chosen it.
Leigh paused to admire some shoes in a shop window, chuckling at the height of their heels. ‘Heavens, are they back in fashion?’ she commented. ‘I was wearing a pair of those the night I met Paul, and a skirt that was probably far too short. He told me afterwards that the moment he saw my legs it was instant lust.’
She was laughing, but Debra wasn’t. Was that all there was to men’s dealings with women... lust... sex?
Leigh was still studying the shoes, her mouth half curled as though some memory they had triggered still pleased her.
‘By the way, have you spoken to Marsh yet?’ Leigh asked her without looking at her. ‘I know he’s rung several times... He’s obviously very concerned about you.’
Marsh... concerned about her? Debra turned on her heel and walked quickly away, ignoring Leigh as she called anxiously after her.
‘What on earth was all that about?’ Leigh asked her when she caught up with her. And then she saw the brilliance of Debra’s eyes and asked more gently, ‘What is it, Debs? What’s wrong?’ ‘Nothing,’ Debra told her tautly. ‘Nothing except that I was stupid enough to have sex with Marsh, and I wish to God that I hadn’t.’
She saw the way Leigh registered her words, the momentary shock darkening her eyes.
‘I’ve shocked you, haven’t I?’ she said flatly. ‘Well, not as much as I shocked myself. I’ve behaved like a.. .with a total lack of self-respect,’ she said harshly.
‘But Marsh...’ Leigh began uncertainly. ‘Marsh just wants to make sure that I know that what happened between us was nothing personal,’ she told Leigh curtly. ‘Well, there isn’t any need. I already know.’
‘I can’t believe that,’ Leigh protested unhappily. ‘He’s been so concerned about you...’ ‘Because he feels guilty... responsible in some way.’ Debra gave a brief shrug. ‘At least that’s what he said. But that’s his problem, Leigh. I’ve got enough of my own. Like trying to get back my self-respect. Leigh, I despise myself so much. Hate myself sometimes... more than I hate him, even.’
‘Him... you mean Marsh?’ Leigh questioned her.
Debra shook her head. ‘No. No, I don’t hate Marsh,’ she told her in a low voice. ‘I meant him... Kevin Riley.’
She looked away from her sister, unaware of the frown that was darkening her eyes.
Debra had said almost nothing about Kevin Riley to any of them, and yet it was obvious from the passion in her voice that she thought about him a great deal.
Uneasily she touched her sister’s arm and said
gently, ‘Debra... Kevin Riley—’
