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Knowing she could delay no longer Lissa turned in the direction of her own room, quickly gathering up her nightdress and robe. She daredn’t linger here, because she wouldn’t put it past Joel to come looking for her, and that was a humiliation she could not endure. She did not want to add cowardice to all her other faults.
Joel was already in the room, and he paused in the action of removing his shirt to look at her. The glow from a lamp illuminated the warm bronze of his skin. His chest was shadowed with a line of dark hair and Lissa felt her stomach plunge and twist crazily as though she were riding a switchback ride. No doubt most women would think she was crazy to fear Joel’s possession so much. He was after all an extremely attractive man, and not just physically, she was forced to admit. He had a tender, gentle side to him that suggested that he would be a skilled and caring lover … A shudder washed over her, and watching it Joel frowned.
Lissa opened her mouth to tell him that there was no way she could go through with making love with him, but he anticipated her, shrugging off his shirt and coming across the room to take her hands in his. This close she could feel the heat coming off his body, smell the male scent of him, and she quivered nervously, her eyes huge and dark.
‘Nervous? Me too,’ he said softly.
Her surprise showed in her eyes and he added raspingly, ‘Lissa, I am human too you know. I know quite well that you’ve married me for the sake of the girls and that reason alone; that right now I am not the man you want in your bed, but we could have a good life together … children of our own …’
‘But … but what about love,’ Lissa heard herself croak in an unsteady voice.
His hands dropped away from hers and he turned away from her. ‘Can you honestly tell me that you’ve loved every man you’ve taken to your bed?’ And as she heard the iron bitterness in his voice Lissa knew that her chance to tell him the truth was gone.
Looking at the situation from Joel’s point of view it would seem all too logical that their relationship was a physical as well as legal one no doubt.
‘Hell,’ he swore briefly, ‘I’ve forgotten something. Back in a minute.’
While he was gone Lissa dived into the bathroom, cleansing her face quickly and rushing into her nightdress. When she opened the bathroom door he still hadn’t returned, and she scrambled into the huge double bed, firmly pulling the bedclothes up around her, tensing as the door opened.
Under his arm Joel was carrying an ice bucket and a bottle of champagne, two glasses in his hand. He raised his eyebrows queryingly as he put it down and a tiny ache began somewhere deep inside her. How would she be feeling right now, if things were different … if she loved Joel and he loved her … She could not deny his thoughtfulness and caring, and she could also sense the effort he was making to give their marriage some semblance of normality. Now she dreaded him knowing the truth for a different reason. She felt as though she were the one cheating him. But he had not married her for herself, she knew that. He had married her because she was the girls’ aunt.
She heard the champagne cork pop and watched nervously as he filled the glasses. She had to sit up to take hers, and she could feel his eyes on her as she clutched the sheet to her body. The bubbles tickled her nose, making her catch her breath.
‘Here’s to us, Mrs Hargreaves,’ Joel toasted softly. ‘Shall we forget the past, Lissa, and have a new beginning?’
If only she could! If only she were really Joel’s chosen bride, confident of his love … The thought jolted through her making her tremble. What was she thinking? It must be the champagne, she thought dizzily. She didn’t want Joel to love her. Why should she?
He disappeared into the bathroom, and she listened to him moving about, every muscle tense, her body aching with dread. Memories from the past threatened to swamp over her, and when Joel finally emerged from the bathroom, she could only stare at him with unseeing eyes. He was wearing a towelling robe, his legs bare beneath the hem, she noticed, her glance skittering away and yet somehow drawn back to his body. She was twenty-three for God’s sake, she derided herself mentally, not fifteen. But deep inside herself she was still only fifteen, locked for ever in the torment of a nightmare that featured this dark-haired man, who was now shedding his robe and getting into bed beside her.
‘Lissa?’ He tensed suddenly and for a moment Lissa thought he must have guessed the truth, but then he was frowning, throwing the bedclothes aside and pulling on his robe.
‘I can hear one of the girls crying,’ he told her tautly. ‘Listen.’
CHAPTER FIVE
IF ANYONE HAD ever told her that she would spend her wedding night comforting a distraught four-year-old she would never have believed them Lissa thought tiredly, glancing at her watch. Four o’clock in the morning and they had finally got Louise off to sleep.
‘You go back to bed,’ Joel told her. ‘I’ll sit with her now.’
It had taken both of them to calm the little girl out of her nightmare fears, but she had clung fiercely to them both once she was awake, refusing to let them go, only when Lissa had promised to stay with her, had she finally allowed Joel to go downstairs and make her a drink. Now she was sleeping at last, like Emma who had fortunately remained fast asleep throughout the whole thing.
As she crawled back into Joel’s bed, Lissa reflected with niggling impatience that she ought to be feeling relieved that Louise’s timely nightmare had occurred, but instead what she did feel was something almost approaching a sense of anti-climax. Surely she couldn’t have wanted Joel to make love to her? Of course not … Then why this strange restless sensation that was gripping her, when in reality all she ought to be doing was dropping into an exhausted sleep?
Joel woke her at seven o’clock. A dark shadow covered his jaw and his hair was ruffled untidily.
‘Sorry to wake you,’ he apologised, ‘but I’ve got to be at the factory at nine—a meeting that was arranged some time ago. I’ll have a shower and get changed … If you could keep an eye on Louise, although I think she’ll be okay now.’
‘Has she had many nightmares like that?’ Lissa asked him. He looked tired and drawn and she had a crazy impulse to touch him, to smooth the lines of tiredness away from his eyes.
‘None quite as bad as that.’ He turned towards the bathroom and Lissa slithered out of bed, tensing as he turned round unexpectedly and came over to her. Her nightdress was a long one and demure, but the bright February sunshine made the fine cotton almost transparent and the way Joel was looking at her made it impossible for her to move, even when he reached out and gently pulled her towards him.
‘Good morning Mrs Hargreaves,’ he murmured against her ear, his breath tickling her skin, sending tiny shimmers of sensation coursing over it. ‘That was some wedding night, wasn’t it?’
She turned her head opening her mouth to respond, her words silenced by the warm pressure of Joel’s lips caressing her own. Shivers of something that was not entirely fear raced through her. She made an inarticulate protest, surprised to find that Joel was holding her quite tightly, drawing her against his body, so that she was aware of the heavy thump of his heart and the warmth of his skin, and then she pulled away relieved when Joel
released her.
‘Perhaps you’re right,’ he muttered smiling at her. ‘There isn’t time now for me to make love to you as I want to. Surprised that I should desire you, Lissa?’ he asked apparently reading her mind with ease.
