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‘No, you don’t, but one day you’re going to have a teenage daughter who’s going to want to talk to you about sex. How are you going to cope with that, Claire? Do you want her to inherit you inhibitions and fears?’
She swallowed hard. How on earth had he known how much that very dread haunted her: that she would infect Lucy with her own sickness?
‘What is it about what happened that you find hardest to come to terms with?’
‘My own guilt.’
The words were out before she could stop them, an expression of anguished despair flooding her eyes as she realised what she had said.
‘You don’t have anything to feel guilty about. You know that.’
Rationally perhaps she did, but emotionally …
‘And because of that sense of guilt you’ve refused to allow yourself to feel any emotion for any other man—is that it?’
It was part of it; the major part, perhaps.
‘You’re a young and very attractive woman; haven’t you ever wondered—’
‘No.’
Her sharp denial cut across what he had been going to say.
‘I wasn’t about to make you a proposition,’ he said grimly.
Claire looked at him. ‘No, I know that. It’s just that I can’t even talk about the intimacy of a physical relationship with someone without remembering him.’
‘Because what he did to you patterned your sexual responses,’ Jay told her quietly. ‘Claire, there’s something I want to talk to you about.’
What on earth was he going to say? She watched as he walked over to a cupboard and poured them both a brandy.
She took a sip when he handed her the glass, feeling the raw spirit slide down her throat.
‘When I said I wasn’t going to proposition you, I meant it, but I do have a proposal to put to you. Neither of us, for differing reasons, wants the intimacy of a marriage based on the current concept of what marriage should be—neither of us want the physical or emotional commitment such a marriage involves. But there are other types of marriages: marriage entered into between two people who have other things to offer one another. Recently I’ve been giving it a lot of thought, and I believe that you and I could make such a marriage work. No, listen to me,’ he demanded, when she started to protest. ‘I need someone to look after Heather, but whoever I found could never give her the love she’s already getting from you. I admit that when I first realised how attached to you she was getting I resented it, but you can give her something I can’t and I can give you and Lucy something you can’t—security financially. He paused. ‘I’m not going to ask you to give me your answer now, but I want you to think about it while I’m away. I can promise you that sexually you’ll never need to fear anything from me.’
Claire stared at him. He didn’t strike her as a man who lived like a monk, and as though he had read her mind, he said sardonically, ‘I had an extremely satisfying sexual relationship with Susie, Claire, if that’s what you’re wondering, and if I want sex there are plenty of women who will oblige me. You needn’t worry that I might embarrass you by indulging in a series of affairs, either; I won’t.’
No, he wouldn’t do that. All those overseas trips would no doubt provide more than adequate opportunities for relieving any sexual frustration he might experience.
‘I don’t know what to say …’
She knew what she ought to be saying if she’d any sense. She ought to be telling him that what he was suggesting was unthinkable.
‘I don’t want you to say anything right now. I want you to think about what I’ve said, that’s all.’
‘If … if I agreed. Would we … would we live here?’
Now what on earth had made her ask that? It made it sound as though she was seriously considering his outrageous proposal.
‘Yes.’ Jay frowned. ‘Don’t you like the house?’
‘It’s very lovely, but I have nightmares every time the girls come in with muddy boots on.’
‘Oh, that!’ Instantly his face cleared. ‘Yes, it is rather impractical. Susie chose the décor; someone once told her that white was her colour. Well, of course you can change it if you wish.’
It surprised Claire that he appeared so uninterested. In her experience, after the break-up of a relationship the partner who retained the house always either threw out everything connected with the relationship and started again, or clung desperately to every last thing that had been bought or chosen together; Jay fell into neither of those categories.
‘Personally, I’ve never been all that keen on it,’ he said. ‘It looks lifeless.’
