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My spine arched as I leaned back. “I think my jeans are in the way.”
“I think it’s best we keep them on.” He lowered them to my knees, but no more. Looking up at me, he smiled. “Can I do it to you, first?”
Curious, I nodded.
“Lie back.”
I looked at the ceiling and sucked in a breath as his tongue, velvet soft, traced over me. His hair tickled my hips and, when I glanced down, he was watching me, tongue on my privates, eyes heavy with something I didn’t recognize.
He licked at a sensitive spot, and I squirmed. “Do you like it?”
“I’m not sure.”
He slipped a hand between my thighs. “You’ll like this.”
I let out a startled sound as he pressed a finger inside of me again, this time deeper than before. His head lowered and his mouth closed over me, sucking as the finger started to move.
Sensation spiraled through me at a startling rate, and I twisted, unsure what was happening. “Gavin…”
He paused, and the feelings stilled, but my body throbbed. “Do you want me to stop? You’re in charge.”
“It feels like something’s about to go very wrong.”
“What do you mean?”
“Like… I don’t know. You’re doing something to me.”
He laughed. “It’s called an orgasm. Trust me. You’ll like it. Nothing bad will happen.”
I hesitated, unsure if I believed him. “Maybe we should stop.”
“Please…” He licked. “Let me make you come.” Another lick. “Please.”
It wasn’t necessarily what he was doing that tempted me, but the way he asked to do it like I was something to be worshiped, something he’d beg to touch. I relaxed, and his mouth and fingers stole my breath.
The silly sounds escaping from my throat were embarrassing. He was never rough, and there wasn’t any pain, but I didn’t like not knowing what was coming. I suddenly felt very out of control, like I was falling without a safety net.
“I can’t.” I scrambled out from under him.
“What?” He caught my jeans.
“I can’t do it.”
“Yes, you can.”
I scooted to the pillows. “No, I can’t. It’s embarrassing. I don’t want one. It’ll hurt.”
He ducked his head, dropping his brow to the bedding as his shoulders shook.
“Are you laughing at me?”
Lifting his face, his cheeks wore an amused flush. “Avery Dean, they feel amazing. Everyone wants one.”
“Let me give one to you first.” I’d have to see it before I made up my mind.
“Okay, but guys are different.”
“Different how?”
“Messier.”
“How much mess?”
“Like a sip. Some girls swallow it.”
That was going to take a lot of begging. I grabbed a tissue from the table. “Sit the way you were.”
“I think you like bossing me around.”
I paused and smiled. I did like it. “Is that weird?”
“No, it’s hot.” He rolled off of me and sat up. “Is this how you want me?”
I wasn’t really sure. “Is that the way people do this?”
“There are hundreds of ways to do it. It’s whatever you like.”
“I think I like you on the bottom.”
He grinned. “Then you get the top.”
I shoved my jeans off my legs because they were just in the way. Analyzing the area, I slid to the floor. “Should I touch you first?”
He leaned back, folding his hands behind his head. “I surrender to your desires. Do whatever you want. You’re in charge.”
* * *
Those words. Those beautiful words. They didn’t only apply to that day, but every day that followed.
Gavin didn’t want to be responsible for anyone but himself. He wanted to get through the last mile and get the hell out. He liked pleasing me, and I liked letting him. We, like everyone else there, were desperate for company, starved for affection, and happy to find a hobby that didn’t cost any money.
The loneliness ate at most people in Blackwater. It was a cancer as he said. But we found a way to fill a void. It hadn’t taken long for him to change his mind about sex. And once Pandora’s Box was opened, the lid never fit right again.
I stared at his bedroom, familiar yet vacant. My innocence was here. My fears, my secrets, my shaky confidence, and my euphoric screams, they all breathed to life in this room. So alive, they were stealing the breath from my lungs now.
“You’re gone.” My words intruded on this mausoleum of memories, ripping the scab of an unhealed wound on my heart. “You left, and now I’m all alone and still tied to this place.”
A tear stumbled past my lashes, and I wiped it away, angling my blurred gaze toward heaven. “Nothing’s made sense since you died. I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing or fucking my life up worse than it was already fucked.”
Rolling to my side, I covered my face as a harsh sob ripped from my throat. My heart jerked as memories punched into me. He was gone. He’d spent his whole life trying to get out and only made it a few months, never fully seeing all the things he wanted to see.
