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My heart rate skipped sporadically and my nerves were on fire. Agony ripped through me and all I wanted to do was run. Her words landed on my skin like a branding iron. The declaration didn’t bring me closer to her. In fact, it just pushed me away.
The connection between us was ripped apart. My entire body shattered. All I wanted to do was move away from her as quickly as possible. I pulled my cock out of her and moved to the edge of the bed.
She sat up and stared at me, the sheet pulled to her chest. Hurt radiated on her face like the hot burning sun. Her eyes couldn’t hide her sense of betrayal. She tightened the sheet further around her, pulling her knees to her chest at the same time.
She told me she would never love anyone again. She said a husband and kids were off the table. Everything we had was perfect. Just earlier that day I couldn’t believe that I actually felt a moment of joy.
But then it disappeared.
I walked into the bathroom and got under the warm water of the shower. Her words echoed in my mind over and over. Anxiety and fear took over like a conquering enemy. All I could picture was her dead on the floor, a bullet through her head. The blood seeped out everywhere and formed a pool that couldn’t be cleaned. I could picture her body sitting in the graveyard where the rest of my family was buried. Just like the others, she disappeared into the soil.
The thought was too much to handle.
I couldn’t go through that again.
I’d had enough.
Right then and there, I turned everything off. I stopped every sensation from entering my brain. My body shut down and I cleared my thoughts. Button pulled me from the path and took me to a place I promised I would never go. I let her in far too far and now I was paying the price.
I couldn’t let her love me.
And I couldn’t love her.
It wasn’t an option.
And it would never be an option.
***
When I left the bathroom she was gone. The sheets were still rumpled from where we laid. The room reeked of sex, the good kind that made you hot and bothered. The clothes she’d been wearing her absent and so were her shoes.
She left.
But where did she go?
Did she call for a cab and prepare to leave me forever? Was she on her way to the airport at that very moment? Did my cold rejection chase her away for good? The idea of her leaving sent me into a panic. I didn’t feel what she felt, but I didn’t necessarily want her to leave either.
I walked into her bedroom and found her sitting on the couch. A book rested on her thighs but she wasn’t reading it. Instead, she looked out the window, a void expression on her face. Her hair was styled and her make up pristine. It didn’t seem like an awkward moment just happened at all.
I cleared my throat to announce my presence, my hands in the pockets of my jeans. The situation was tense and I wasn’t sure how to handle it. I’d never experienced anything like this. A woman had never told me she loved me. Not once.
She didn’t turn my way even though she knew I was there. “Yes?” Her voice fell flat, like she didn’t care about anyone or anything.
Normally, I would just walk away and let time heal the awkwardness. But I was afraid if I didn’t talk to her she might leave for good. How did I keep her around without telling her I loved her? Would there ever be a reason to make her stay? I sat on the couch beside her so she would be forced to look at me. “I think we should talk.”
“What’s there to talk about?” She held the book in her hands, and slowly she shut it. It closed with a loud thud.
She was going to make this difficult. I should have assumed. “I know I hurt you and I want to make it right—if I can.”
“There’s nothing to make right, Crow. You did nothing wrong.”
“It doesn’t feel that way.”
“I told you how I felt and you didn’t say it back. It’s fine.” Her voice caught slightly, the heartbreak emerging. She did her best to hide it but some came pouring through.
“I thought you told me you would never trust anyone again. You said you didn’t want a husband and kids. And I told you I would never love anyone. What happened?”
She opened her mouth to talk and her eyes scanned back and forth. She took a loud breath then shut her mouth again, abandoning whatever it was she was going to say. “I would really love it if we could just pretend it never happened. Let’s just move on and leave it in the past.”
