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Now it’s my turn to stare at Ariel in shock. I’m not saying she’s promiscuous, but that’s definitely the vibe she gives off. I thought for sure her first time would have been with like, one of her teachers in high school or something. Knowing her marriage didn’t work out when he was the first man she shared something so special with makes me even sadder now.
“Enough of this dumbass trip down memory lane,” Ariel grumbles. “I’d like to get back to this plan of Belle’s. Now that we know you’re not a virgin—although only doing it one time seven years ago probably means your virginity grew back, but whatever—I might actually approve of whatever you’ve got cooking in that smarty-pants brain of yours. Even though I don’t trust the guy and still think he’s an uncultured animal, I trust your judgement.”
“Thank you,” I tell her with a smile. “I haven’t exactly thought this plan out any further than deciding it was a good idea and asking you guys for advice on how to get him to open up to me and tell me more about himself so I can start this learning process. I’ll be honest with you guys: No matter what you think of him, he gives me butterflies. I like the butterflies. I want the butterflies.”
Cindy gets up from the couch and walks over to the door where she dropped her purse when they first came barging in. She digs around inside it, pulls something out, and comes back to the couch.
“Is that a day planner?” Ariel asks.
“Yes. It’s a day planner,” Cindy confirms, unsnapping the leather flap, flipping the book open in her lap, and pulling a pen out of the elastic holder in the middle. “In order for this plan to work, we need to schedule some meetings so we can go over things. Thursdays at noon are good for me. Then we should come up with a theme for this whole experience thing. I find things become much more fun with a theme. Then we can—”
“For fuck’s sake, this isn’t a PTA meeting,” Ariel mutters with a shake of her head. “You can take the PTA away from the stripper, but you can’t take the stripper away from the PTA. Seducing a guy like that isn’t like planning a bake sale. It needs to be spontaneous.”
“It needs to be planned out. She has no idea what she’s doing! Do you want her to look like a fool and have him reject her? How mortifying would that be?”
“So, what, you want her to make a list of things she should do and refer to them in the middle of a seduction? ‘Oh, yes. Oh, that feels so good. WAIT! I need to check my notes to make sure you’re going down on me right.” Ariel says in a high-pitched voice that sounds nothing like me.
“Fine. We’ll meet in the middle. We’ll give her some pointers and she doesn’t have to schedule it or anything, she can do it when it feels right,” Cindy states.
I’ve done nothing but jerk my head back and forth between my two friends while they argue, like I was watching a tennis match, but this is just too much.
“I told you, I’m not going to seduce him, are you insane?! I just want to get to know him. And if it leads to something more, so be it,” I tell them.
“Jesus, this has bad news written all over it,” Ariel complains.
“I thought you said you approved of my plan!” I argue
“I did. When I thought you were planning on boning him. I know all about teaching someone how to do that. I just think with a guy like Beast, he’s not going to be into the whole hearts - and - flowers, let’s - sit - down - and - talk - about - our - feelings type of thing. If that’s what you really want, you need experience before you get experience, if you know what I mean.”
“NO! I don’t know what you mean! That’s the problem!” I complain.
“It’s the same thing we’ve been saying all along: You have to learn to walk before you can run. You need to go on dates and learn how to actually talk to another man before you try and get deeper with Beast. He’s not just some chump who will be easy to figure out within a few days. If this is what you want, and what you want is more butterflies, you need pre-experience,” Ariel explains.
“Actually, I’ve already sort of scheduled some pre-experience for you,” Cindy says quietly.
“What are you talking about?” I ask her, my head whipping around to face Ariel. “What is she talking about?”
Ariel just shrugs, and Cindy grabs my hand from my lap and gives it a squeeze.
“Don’t be mad. And really, considering you kept this huge secret from us about your living arrangements, we can just call it even. What are you doing later tonight? And tomorrow? And three days from now, and next Friday?”
