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She shook her head wordlessly, but he swore he saw the truth of it reflected in her injured eyes.
“You did not trust in the manner of man that I am. You kept that letter because you believed one day, I would show my true character as the other men in your life who had hurt and disappointed you. Despite our connection and our experiences, you did not trust me and judged me unworthy of your respect and love despite everything. That is why you kept the letter still, Miss Cavanaugh, I dare you to deny it.”
“I…I…love you…I fell in love with you,” she breathed roughly. “I forgot about the letter.”
He stilled. “Do you trust that I would care and treasure that love. That I would never betray you with another, and that at all time your worries and cares will always be precious to me, Pippa?”
Do you trust me?
An odd, painful feeling was continuing to grow in Pippa’s heart. “That level of trust will eventually come,” she said, clasping her trembling hands before her. Evasiveness seemed the most logical defense to a question that made her heart tremble with a panic she did not understand.
He flinched, and a flare of pain brightened the silver in his eyes before his expression shuttered. “Ah…so in your mind and heart I am simply a man like any other. Like your father and that bounder Nigel Williamsfield.”
I do not want to lose you, her heart cried out. "I…I…what does that have to do with the letter? I did not post it, and I suspect who did, and I am so terribly sorry. I will do all in my powers to make amends."
The duke bowed. “Good day to you, Miss Cavanaugh.”
Confusion and pain rushed through her. Was he saying goodbye? "Christopher…" Pippa took a shallow breath, refusing to give in to frustrated tears. “You do not trust me either,” she said hoarsely. “You believe the worst of me when I simply forgot…forgot I had written that dreadful letter. I did not keep it as insurance, but that is what you believe of me, yet you profess to love and want to marr
y me."
A piercing pain clutched her heart in a fierce grip, and then her heart shattered into a thousand pieces when he turned and walked away without another word. Pippa stood frozen, watching him go, sensing their understanding was at an end. “I’ll not chase you,” she whispered fiercely, recalling her mamma abandoning her pride to run after her husband. “I’ll not chase you!”
It was not the first time her expectations and hopes had been dashed. I will be quite fine. Yet never had the vow felt so hollow and empty. Because what she felt with the duke, she had never experienced with another and refused to believe such intensity of emotions happened more than once in a lifetime.
Last night she had hoped. And she had believed. This morning…now…everything felt dark and lonely. The pain was so great it was numbing.
Her mother appeared in the doorway of the drawing room. “Is everything well, my dear?” her mother asked with a worried frown. “I…the duke is leaving?”
Pippa was afraid of speaking, afraid her voice would break. She pressed two fingers to her lips, shook her head wordlessly, and hurried from the drawing room.
In the hallway, she spied Miranda. Pippa slowed her pace. "Why did you do it?" she asked.
“I regretted it as soon as I did,” she said, genuine regret in her tone. "We argued, and I was angry. I knew you were Lady W…I saw a few of the articles in your desk drawer. I saw that one tucked away and when we argued I hated that the duke could drive a wedge between us. I selfishly admit I wanted…I wanted to cause you and the duke pain. He'd singled you out, and all society whispered of was a possible match between you two. I am so sorry Pippa! For a moment, I hated you, and I hated him for wanting you over me.”
The bonds of their friendship broke, and Pippa doubted it would ever be pieced back together. Unable to speak over the emotions tearing at her, she rushed pass Miranda up the stairs. She grabbed onto Pippa.
"Please forgive me," she gasped, tears spilling on her cheeks. "I was so stupid and rash. I did not love the duke…I simply wanted to be a duchess. And because of that desire, I have behaved wretchedly to you and the duke, and I am so very sorry."
Pippa breathed raggedly. “One day I shall forgive you for the weakness displayed in your character, but it will not be today.” Then she withdrew her arm from Miranda and hurried to her chamber. Over the years she’d had to rely on her resilience, she mastered herself and her emotions until she reached upstairs to her room. But once there she crumbled, sinking against the door, sliding down until she sat on the ground with her back to the door and cried.
Chapter 16
Three days after the dreadful confrontation with Christopher, Pippa released her breath as Mr. Bell finished reading her latest article.
His portly face was scrunched into a frown. “Let us be clear, you wish me to run this in tomorrow’s paper?”
She lifted her chin. “Yes.” After spending one day in bed, crying as if her heart would not be mended, she had arrived at an irrevocable truth. She had done Christopher a disservice with her words, even if she had believed Miranda at the time. They had been thoughtless and uncaring of his honor and reputation, and he deserved a public apology.
She’d also realized he wouldn’t walk away from her. Not this man who’d wanted to speak to her mother because of a kiss. His honor…and the love he had for her would not see him abandon her. He was not her father, nor was he a cad like Nigel Williamsfield. And that, she wanted to say to his face. Before she slapped him and then kissed him. The tearing hurt of the last few days could have been avoided, but perhaps it had been necessary. For now, they would learn how to navigate their relationship better. “Yes, I am certain I wish it to be published,” she said.
Miss Tilby and Mr. Bell shared a speaking glance.
“Lady W…Miss Beaver…all of London will be out to view this…this…”
She smiled grimly. “Spectacle?”
Miss Tilby stepped closer to her. “Yes. Your identity as Lady W will be made public.”
