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Sheridan could not imagine the emotions he was reliving.
“No.” He did not yell his protest. It was low and filled with so much pain, tears sprang to her eyes.
“I will give you anything God. Please let Emma wait for me.”
Sheridan’s insides twisted at the sheer agony in his voice, her heart broke for him. He went deathly still and her eyes strained to see the falling of his chest. His sudden stillness in the face of how he had thrashed before petrified her. She reached for him and paused as his words knocked the breath from her body.
“I failed my wife and son.”
She couldn’t bear for him to even think so in dream. “Elijah!”
Despite several shakes of his shoulders, he did not wake. She made to slap him and froze when he breathed her name.
“Sheridan, please wait for me sweetheart. Wait for me. Ah God I can’t do it again. Not Sheridan.”
Her chest squeezed and her hand trembled. “Elijah, please wake up.”
His eyes snapped open startling her. They were bleary and glassy, but they sharpened within seconds. She saw the torture, the pain and something else dark before he shuttered his gaze.
“You were dreaming.” She climbed onto the bed and shimmied over to him. She lay on him, her face close to his. “Would you like to tell me?”
She held her breath hoping he would unbend. She remembered his cold reaction the first time she’d asked him. But now she had partial knowledge of what haunted his sleep, and she ached for his loss and the pain he must be suffering from. “You cried for your wife and son.”
His muscles bunched and his hand shifted to her hips.
“Please do not push me away.” When he paused, she offered the rest of her thoughts hesitantly. “I only thought that if you spoke about it, mayhap the nightmares would lessen.”
His chuckle filled her with foreboding.
“You know nothing of my nightmares, Sheridan.”
“I know some. I asked Miguel and he shared the bare details. I also heard the words you uttered a few moments ago. I understand the horror, Elijah.”
His face closed and she braced herself as a frosty look came into his eyes. “Do you? You believe because I relax when I am fucking you, you understand something about me?”
His words flayed her, destroying the tentative hope which had been forming inside her, that he might be feeling something deeper for her. She pushed past the savage feeling of devastation accounting his reaction to that of a wounded animal’s behavior. They lashed out when hurting. She met his eyes and knew his words and actions were all about pushing her away.
She might be a fool, for that realization had hope surging inside again. “Yes, you have been connected with me in the deepest way a man and woman can connect.” A blush heated her cheeks, but she continued. “You have touched me with care and gentleness when you’ve had cause to be angry with me. Cause to despise me. You always ensure that my needs come before yours that my pleasure comes before yours. So yes, you fucking me as how you call it, lets me believe I know something about you. I know that you are tender and kind. I do not know your nightmares. But I would like to know all of you and to offer comfort in any way I can. I want you to know I am here for you, as how you were there for me today.”
He held her gaze for an infinite number of seconds. She did not bother to shield her eyes, letting him see all the doubts and hopes that swirled there. Her throat burned as he pushed her off him, swinging his legs over the side of the bed. His breathing seemed calm, but she spied the white knuckled grip he had on the quilt.
She pushed herself up on her knees and wrapped her arms around his taut frame. It took her a few moments to realize he trembled. He made to leave and her hands tightened. “Don’t go. Just stay here with me.”
She kissed his neck lightly.
“What do you know?”
She assessed his flat tones. She would not lie or regret prying even though he may flay her for it. “I know your family was taken by Indians. That you tracked them with your brothers, but you did not get them back. Your son and your wife. I am so very sorry for your pain and loss, Elijah.”
He shuddered. “The memories feel like gaping wounds that never heal. Emma had no faith in me. She should have known that I would have done everything in my power to find her. If she had waited another ten minutes she would have been in my arms. Instead, when she found the opportunity she slashed our son’s throat and plunged the knife into her own breast.” His voice cracked and fine tremors racked his frame.
Sheridan squeezed him, unable to voice words to offer comfort. “You called for Nathan.”
Elijah shifted, gripped her hip and drew her around so that she straddled his lap. Sheridan twined her hands around his neck and peered into his face. Pain washed over her at his appearance. Agony marred his feature and a single stream of tear ran from his left eye. She wished she could absorb his grief, and take it away from him.
“Nathan was our son. He was four…four when he died.”
His pain flooded her and she dropped her forehead to his.
