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But he couldn’t very well expect her to listen to the doctor if he didn’t. Careful not to wake her, he laid her back on the bed and stood. He gazed down at the woman who was beautiful inside and out.
He felt a tug on his shirtsleeve.
Doc Berg motioned for him to step outside the room and into his office.
“Have a seat.” Doc sat behind a mahogany desk covered with papers and sprinkled with medicine bottles.
Michael sat in the cushioned chair across from the desk.
Doc Berg rested his arms on the desk and leaned toward Michael. “I’m worried about Selina, Michael. That lump on her head hasn’t gone down. In fact, it’s gotten a little bigger. I’m concerned there may be some bleeding on the brain. Sometimes bleeding comes slow or fast. If that spot doesn’t go down or get any smaller by this evening, I’m afraid I may have to operate.”
Michael listened in horror as Doc explained in detail exactly what he had to do to relieve the pressure. His stomach roiled as he thought of the drilling procedure. “Sounds dangerous.” He swallowed hard.
“It is. That’s why I’d like your consent to do it if I need to.”
How could Michael give his consent to do something that was so dangerous? “I need to talk to Selina about this first and see what she says.”
“No. I don’t want to worry her about this. Her getting upset could cause more problems.” He stood and so did Michael. “Think about it and give me your decision. Don’t wait too long. Her life may depend on it.”
Hearing those words was like a stab to the heart. Michael watched Doc’s back as he headed down the hallway, rounded the corner and disappeared. How could Doc ask him to make such a decision?
He needed guidance. Michael hurried down the stairs, stopping only long enough to tell Doc he would be back later.
On the way home, he prayed for wisdom. None came. In the field, he saw Jesse riding in the midst of the cows. Michael coaxed his horse to go faster, slowing only when he neared the herd.
“What’s wrong?” Jesse rode out to meet him. “Is Selina all right?”
“I’m not sure.” He told him what Doc said.
“Sounds to me like you have no choice.”
That’s what he was afraid of. Worry and fear crawled inside him, and he closed his eyes to block them out.
“You love her, don’t you?” Jesse asked with gentleness.
Did he? He didn’t even know anymore. “I’ve been trying to.”
“That’s part of your problem. You’re trying to do it under your own strength. Jesus said, ‘Apart from me, you can do nothing.’ But God didn’t leave it there, Michael. The Bible says, ‘I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.’” Jesse draped his arm over the saddle horn. “Any time we try to do things under our own strength or our own power, we are setting ourselves up for failure.
“The Lord wants His children to depend on Him, Michael. You may not be able to love Selina on your own, but God can do it through Christ as you submit to Him. Ask God to give you a deep, lasting love for your wife, Michael, and He will.”
“I’m so confused, Jess. I thought I loved her when she was like Rainee. Then when she got here and wasn’t, I didn’t think there was any way I could love her. Now part of me can’t imagine life without her and part of me thinks I’m crazy for even thinking that.”
“Oh, I get it. You thought you married a fantasy woman.”
“No, that’s not what I did.”
“Yeah you did. You thought if you married the perfect woman you dreamed of, then everything would always be perfect and you’d never get hurt. Well, I hate to tell you brother, but that’s not reality. Real love ain’t no fantasy—it’s messy, and sometimes it’s downright hard. And with real love there’s no guarantee you’ll never get hurt. You can’t love somebody with one foot out of the door. If you love her, it’s got to be all the way, no matter what happens. That’s real love—not this straddling the fence thing you’ve got going on.”
Michael put his head down as every fear he ever had attacked him. Jesse was right. That’s exactly what he had wanted—the perfect woman who would never hurt him. But that woman didn’t exist. Never did and never would. And now love looked even scarier than it had before.
Jesse’s words applied to letting go of his fears, too. To be free to love Selina, he needed to keep on giving his fears to Christ every time they came knocking on the door of his heart and mind. “Will you pray with me, Jess?”
“Sure.”
They bowed their heads and prayed not only that he would make the right decision about Selina’s medical condition but also about the state of his heart. When Jesse was done, Michael had hope and a renewed vigor to continue courting his wife. But first he needed to decide what to do about the consent to operate.
