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We stand there quietly a little longer; I refuse to be the one to cave. In the meantime, his eyes move over every inch of me, noting all the changes. His hands tighten into fists by his sides. Then, before I can even consider what to allow or not allow, he reaches for me, slips his warm hand around my neck, and holds me in place for the sweetest kiss he’s ever given me.
It’s tentative and searching, tasting of raw pain and love. My brain short circuits. I completely lose the ability to reason and melt in his arms. With all his faults, I still love him more than is wise and more than my pride. However, love can’t thrive without trust and the thought of him not trusting me kills my amorous mood. I pull away and he lets me. Watching me intently, he waits for me to speak. It’s now or never.
“You know what hurts the most? That you don’t know me, that you believe I would deceive you for money––for money, Cal.” He’s shaking his head before I even finish the sentence. He runs his fingers through his hair and rubs his temples.
“I was mad. I know you wouldn’t––”
“Calvin,” I say, cutting him off. “I love you beyond measure. I know I’m hanging out on a limb here, but I’m willing to risk the fall because I can’t live with regret. I’ve lived with too much of it already and the cost is too rich for my blood. Regardless of the past, I choose to trust you. I’m making that choice knowing that you’re human and you may disappoint and hurt me, and that’s okay too because you’re worth it.
“I certainly didn’t plan for this baby. But I’m not gonna lie, I couldn’t be any happier about it. Now you can either get on board, or walk away for good. The choice is yours. But make no mistake, nothing will stop me from ensuring that this kid feels loved and treasured––I will not have you fuck with that. Got it? Make a choice and commit to it.”
A myriad of emotions cross Cal’s face. Lady Luck is on my side tonight. I’m about to walk away when a cab pulls up. With his hands shoved in the pockets of his pants, he doesn’t make a move or say anything as I shut the door. And yet, something tells me that my words will remain with him long after I’m gone.
Chapter Thirty
Two days later, Amber and I are kicking back on her couch, eating dinner while we wait for Monday Night Football to start. While she’s flipping through channels at warp speed, I’m busy inhaling my pasta with broccoli with one hand and rubbing my bump with the other. I’ve been doing a lot of that lately. What’s that about? Anyhow, I’m busy doing stuff when a familiar voice grabs my attention. Not missing a thing, my very clever friend flips back to ESPN.
“My legacy?” Calvin murmurs to the reporter. He’s dressed in his practice uniform, the helmet hanging from his fingertips. He wipes his sweaty brow and squints in the distance. He looks lost, rudderless and adrift. Unhappy. It kills me to see him like this. “That’s not up to me to decide. My legacy is how I’m remembered by everyone else…by the people I love, and the ones that love me.”
Did I just hear him right? The bottom has fallen out of my stomach. The pasta doesn’t taste nearly as good on the way up as it did on the way down.
“Did I just hear him right?” I say, covering my mouth.
“If you’re referring to the people I love comment, then yes,” Amber faithfully reports.
He’s looking directly into the camera, and it feels like, directly at me. Then he walks off screen, leaving the reporter stunned at his sudden departure.
“Men are so fucking dumb. No wonder they believe they rule the world.”
Chuckling, I wipe the tear that’s escaped down my cheek. I turn to get an eyeful of my little blond friend and find her cheeks stuffed with food.
“I don’t get why you’re still single.”
“Because I’m smart, that’s why,” she says, still chewing her pizza. “Who needs this drama?” I can’t argue with her there. I’m no fan of drama myself. As a matter of fact, I’ve already had more than I can bear in a lifetime. “I predict that turkey––” she points a greasy finger at the television screen, “will be banging down my door three days hence.”
Such a smart mouth. I laugh, of course. “I hope you’re right…I just hope he does it for the right reason.”
Amber drops the cynical mask. “I get it,” she says, the mood serious all of a sudden.
If I know one thing, it’s that we all learn at our own pace. You can show someone the way, though ultimately they have to figure it out for themselves. It may be wishful thinking, however, it seems that Cal is starting to figure it out.
