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Chapter 28: Unenlightened
It was disorienting to wake in the absolute dark. In the past months, I'd gotten used to having the sun tell me it was morning. At first I thought it must still be night, but then, feeling the sting of my face and the ache of my back, I remembered where I was.
Beside me, I could hear the sound of quiet, even breathing; it did not frighten me, because it was the most familiar of sounds here. I was not surprised that Jamie had crept back and slept beside me last night.
Maybe it was the change in my breathing that woke him; maybe it was just that our schedules had become synchronized. But seconds after I was conscious, he gave a little gasp.
"Wanda?" he whispered.
"I'm right here. "
He sighed in relief.
"It's really dark here," he said.
"Yes. "
"You think it's breakfast time yet?"
"I don't know. "
"I'm hungry. Let's go see. "
I didn't answer him.
He interpreted my silence correctly, as the balk it was. "You don't have to hide out here, Wanda," he said earnestly, after waiting a moment for me to speak. "I talked to Jared last night. He's going to stop picking on you-he promised. "
I almost smiled. Picking on me.
"Will you come with me?" Jamie pressed. His hand found mine.
"Is that what you really want me to do?" I asked in a low voice.
"Yes. Everything will be the same as it was before. "
Mel? Is this best?
I don't know. She was torn. She knew she couldn't be objective; she wanted to see Jared.
That's crazy, you know.
Not as crazy as the fact that you want to see him, too.
"Fine, Jamie," I agreed. "But don't get upset when it's not the same as before, okay? If things get ugly. . . Well, just don't be surprised. "
"It'll be okay. You'll see. "
I let him lead the way out of the dark, towing me by the hand he still held. I braced myself as we entered the big garden cavern; I couldn't be sure of anyone's reaction to me today. Who knew what had been said as I slept?
But the garden was empty, though the sun was bright in the morning sky. It reflected off the hundreds of mirrors, momentarily blinding me.
Jamie was not interested in the vacant cave. His eyes were on my face, and he sucked in a sharp breath through his teeth as the light touched my cheek.
"Oh," he gasped. "Are you okay? Does that hurt bad?"
I touched my face lightly. The skin felt rough-grit crusted in the blood. It throbbed where my fingers brushed.
"It's fine," I whispered; the empty cavern made me wary-I didn't want to speak too loudly. "Where is everybody?"
Jamie shrugged, his eyes still tight as they surveyed my face. "Busy, I guess. " He didn't lower his voice.
This reminded me of last night, of the secret he wouldn't tell me. My eyebrows pulled together.
What do you think he's not telling us?
You know what I know, Wanda.
You're human. Aren't you supposed to have intuition or something?
Intuition? My intuition tells me that we don't know this place as well as we thought we did, Melanie said.
We pondered the ominous sound of that.
It was almost a relief to hear the normal noises of mealtime coming from the kitchen corridor. I didn't particularly want to see anyone-besides the sick yearning to see Jared, of course-but the unpopulated tunnels, combined with the knowledge that something was being kept from me, made me edgy.
The kitchen was not even half full-an oddity for this time of the morning. But I barely noticed that, because the smell coming from the banked stone oven overruled every other thought.
"Oooh," Jamie moaned. "Eggs!"
Jamie pulled me faster now, and I had no reluctance to keep pace with him. We hurried, stomachs growling, to the counter by the oven where Lucina, the mother, stood with a plastic ladle in her hand. Breakfast was usually serve-yourself, but then breakfast was also usually tough bread rolls.
She looked only at the boy as she spoke. "They tasted better an hour ago. "
"They'll taste just fine now," Jamie countered enthusiastically. "Has everyone eaten?"
"Pretty much. I think they took a tray down to Doc and the rest. . . " Lucina trailed off, and her eyes flickered to me for the first time; Jamie's eyes did the same. I didn't understand the expression that crossed Lucina's features-it disappeared too quickly, replaced by something else as she appraised the new marks on my face.
"How much is left?" Jamie asked. His eagerness sounded a trifle forced now.
Lucina turned and bent, tugging a metal pan off the hot stones in the bottom of the oven with the bowl of the ladle. "How much do you want, Jamie? There's plenty," she told him without turning.
"Pretend I'm Kyle," he said with a laugh.
"A Kyle-sized portion it is," Lucina said, but when she smiled, her eyes were unhappy.
She filled one of the soup bowls to overflowing with slightly rubbery scrambled eggs, stood up, and handed it to Jamie.
She eyed me again, and I understood what this look was for.
"Let's sit over there, Jamie," I said, nudging him away from the counter.
He stared in amazement. "Don't you want any?"
"No, I'm -" I was about to say "fine" again, when my stomach gurgled disobediently.
"Wanda?" He looked at me, then back at Lucina, who had her arms folded across her chest.
"I'll just have bread," I muttered, trying to shove him away.
"No. Lucina, what's the problem?" He looked at her expectantly. She didn't move. "If you're done here, I'll take over," he suggested, his eyes narrowing and his mouth setting in a stubborn line.
Lucina shrugged and set the ladle on the stone counter. She walked away slowly, not looking at me again.
"Jamie," I muttered urgently under my breath. "This food isn't meant for me. Jared and the others weren't risking their lives so that I could have eggs for breakfast. Bread is fine. "
"Don't be stupid, Wanda," Jamie said. "You live here now, just like the rest of us. Nobody minds it when you wash their clothes or bake their bread. Besides, these eggs aren't going to last much longer. If you don't eat them, they'll get thrown out. "
I felt all the eyes in the room boring into my back.
"That might be preferable to some," I said even more quietly. No one but Jamie could possibly hear.
"Forget that," Jamie growled. He hopped over the counter and filled another bowl with eggs, which he then shoved at me. "You're going to eat every bite," he told me resolutely.
I looked at the bowl. My mouth watered. I pushed the eggs a few inches away from me and then folded my arms.
Jamie frowned. "Fine," he said, and shoved his own bowl across the counter. "You don't eat, I don't eat. " His stomach grumbled audibly. He folded his arms across his chest.
We stared at each other for two long minutes, both our stomachs rumbling as we inhaled the smell of the eggs. Every now and then, he would peek down at the food out of the corner of his eye. That's what beat me-the longing look in his eyes.
"Fine," I huffed. I slid his bowl back to him and then retrieved my own. He waited until I took the first bite to touch his. I stifled a moan as the taste registered on my tongue. I knew the cooled, rubbery eggs weren't the best thing I'd ever tasted, but that's how it felt. This body lived for the present.
Jamie had a similar reaction. And then he started shoveling the food into his mouth so fast it seemed he didn't have time to breathe. I watched him to make sure he didn't choke.
I ate more slowly, hoping that I'd be able to convince him to eat some of mine when he was done.
That was when, with our minor standoff over and my stomach satisfied, I finally noticed the atmosphere in the kitchen.
I would have expected, with the excitement of eggs for bre
akfast after months of monotony, more of a feeling of celebration. But the air was somber, the conversations all whispered. Was this a reaction to the scene last night? I scanned the room, trying to understand.
People were looking at me, a few here and there, but they weren't the only ones talking in serious whispers, and the others paid me no mind at all. Besides, none of them seemed angry or guilty or tense or any of the other emotions I was expecting.
No, they were sad. Despair was etched on every face in the room.
Sharon was the last person I noticed, eating in a distant corner, keeping to herself as usual. She was so composed as she mechanically ate her breakfast that at first I didn't notice the tears dripping in streaks down her face. They fell into her food, but she ate as if she were beyond noticing.
"Is something wrong with Doc?" I whispered to Jamie, suddenly afraid. I wondered if I was being paranoid-maybe this had nothing to do with me. The sadness in the room seemed to be part of some other human drama from which I'd been excluded. Was this what was keeping everyone busy? Had there been an accident?
Jamie looked at Sharon and sighed before he answered me. "No, Doc's fine. "
"Aunt Maggie? Is she hurt?"
He shook his head.
"Where's Walter?" I demanded, still whispering. I felt a gnawing anxiety as I thought of harm befalling one of my companions here, even those who hated me.
"I don't know. He's fine, I'm sure. "
I realized now that Jamie was just as sad as everyone else here.
"What's wrong, Jamie? Why are you upset?"
Jamie looked down at his eggs, eating them slowly and deliberately now, and did not answer me.
He finished in silence. I tried to pass him what was left in my bowl, but he glowered so fiercely that I took it back and ate the rest without any more resistance.
We added our bowls to the big plastic bin of dirty dishes. It was full, so I took it from the counter. I wasn't sure what was going on in the caves today, but dishes ought to be a safe occupation.
Jamie came along beside me, his eyes alert. I didn't like that. I wouldn't allow him to act as my bodyguard, if the necessity arose. But then, as we made our way around the edge of the big field, my regular bodyguard found me, so it became a moot point.
Ian was filthy; light brown dust covered him from head to toe, darker where it was wet with his sweat. The brown streaks smeared across his face did not disguise the exhaustion there. I was not surprised to see that he was just as down as everyone else. But the dust did make me curious. It was not the purple black dust inside the caves. Ian had been outside this morning.
"There you are," he murmured when he saw us. He was walking swiftly, his long legs cutting the distance with anxious strides. When he reached us, he did not slow, but rather caught me under the elbow and hurried me forward. "Let's duck in here for a minute. "
He pulled me into the narrow tunnel mouth that led toward the eastern field, where the corn was almost ripe. He did not lead me far, just into the darkness where we were invisible from the big room. I felt Jamie's hand rest lightly on my other arm.
After half a minute, deep voices echoed through the big cavern. They were not boisterous-they were somber, as depressed as any of the faces I'd read this morning. The voices passed us, close by the crack where we hid, and Ian's hand tensed on my elbow, his fingers pressing into the soft spots above the bone. I recognized Jared's voice, and Kyle's. Melanie strained against my control, and my control was tenuous anyway. We both wanted to see Jared's face. It was a good thing Ian held us back.
". . . don't know why we let him keep trying. When it's over, it's over," Jared was saying.
"He really thought he had it this time. He was so sure. . . Oh, well. It will be worth all this if he figures it out someday," Kyle disagreed.
"If. " Jared snorted. "I guess it's a good thing we found that brandy. Doc's going to blow through the whole crate by nightfall at the rate he's going. "
"He'll pass out soon enough," Kyle said, his voice beginning to fade in the distance. "I wish Sharon would. . . " And then I couldn't make out any more.
Ian waited until the voices faded completely, and then a few minutes more, before he finally released my arm.
