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“I can’t tell you.”
“Why can’t you tell me?” he asked, fearing that no matter how she answered he already knew.
“You have to talk to Shay.”
Tag had experienced very few moments in his life where he both wanted and didn’t want to know certain information. The last time he could remember was years ago when Janie’s first husband, Cal, had died in a logging accident. A fierce and inexplicable need to hear the details had battled with the desire to tuck the suffering and hurt and his own grief away and never have to face them. But, as painful as it was, he’d quickly reached the conclusion that he had to know. You couldn’t solve a problem you didn’t fully understand or fight an enemy you couldn’t see. He’d wanted to help Janie and her boys then, just like he wanted to help his sister now.
“Ally, please don’t tell me you’ve been discussing my sister’s fertility issues with her.”
Her expression, or lack thereof, gave him his answer. The one he’d feared and the one he suddenly despised. Anger fired to life inside him. His lungs constricted so tightly it hurt to breathe.
Pressing a fist to his forehead, he focused on reining in his temper. “How could you do this?”
“Do what?”
Opening his eyes, he forced his gaze to meet hers and wished he hadn’t because he could clearly see the trepidation, the uncertainty in her expression.
“Tag?”
When he spoke, he could hear the disappointment in his voice, and he hoped she did, too. “Ally, it’s one thing for you to give Hannah or Cami your pep talks and…herbal potions. Those are harmless, and I accept that the placebo effect is powerful. And it’s fine to support Ginger’s decision to forgo treatment. That was her decision. It’s even fine for you to risk your job and possibly your career over beliefs that, frankly, I don’t think are worth it. But that’s your decision, and you’re the one who is going to have to accept those consequences. But this…this is about someone’s dreams, her deeply felt thoughts concerning her future. Shay wants a child more than anything in this world and what you’ve done is not only irresponsible, it’s downright cruel.”
Tag wouldn’t have guessed that Ally could look so devastated. He would have felt like the worst kind of a jerk if he wasn’t so utterly and completely heartsick himself. But this was about Shay. And Ally leading her to believe a baby was possible.
“Cruel? Tag, I would never do anything—”
“But it’s obvious that you already have.”
“Maybe. In a way.”
The idea of his sister getting her spirit crushed once again… He wanted a family, too. So much so that at times it left his insides tangled and raw and he could barely stand it. And poor Shay had done everything right, everything she could do and it still wasn’t enough. He could only imagine the longing, the despair and disappointment that she and Jonah lived with on a daily basis.
“I don’t…” Every single thing he could think of to say was mean and horrible, and he didn’t like himself very much for wanting to say them.
“But maybe what I have done is given her something really great. Tag, this placebo effect—as you refer to it—I think of as healing. The mind is so much more powerful than people give it credit for.”
“Maybe, but it can also be incredibly destructive. Can’t you see that?”
She seemed to be searching for words, and the thought crossed his mind that he should feel a sense of satisfaction at finally getting her to show what she was feeling. But, instead, he just felt hollow.
“When the mind and the body are in sync—”
“Stop.” One hand shot up as if he could snatch her words out of the air. “Please, enough of this. You have no idea what you’ve done here, do you?”
Shock and sadness and confusion danced in her eyes. Her voice was whisper soft, filled with hurt. “What is it you think I’ve done, exactly?”
A part of him wanted to take her in his arms and another part wanted to try and talk some more sense into her. Despite the doubts he now realized had never really dissipated, he’d been reassuring himself that she would use good judgment when practicing medicine. He’d seen her in action, told himself that she would allocate her beliefs appropriately. He’d made too much of the fact that Abe was a doctor and that she’d had a traditional education. She’d proven him wrong in the worst way imaginable. All those reservations he’d been tamping down now came rushing up like a geyser.
