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“Mustardseed, join my personal attendants tonight.” She beckoned him up into the nest, then shooed him to the back with Bottom and the others. She turned to me. “So, the Puck is slain?”
“Yes, Your Grace. Murdered last morning with this.” I held up the black crossbow bolt.
“He was a . . .” Titania seemed to be searching for a tribute to the fallen jester, searched the air before her as if it might be written in fireflies, then sighed and gave up. “And who did this dread deed?”
“That is what I am to find out.” I tried my thumb on the point of the bolt. “By Theseus’s order. So, Your Grace, if I may, did you give something to the Puck?”
“I did. A potion, a flower really. But I haven’t another. They grow it in a faraway land, and the Puck was the only one who could fetch it and return before it lost its power. Unless you would like to fetch another for your master, Theseus.”
Cobweb peeked out again from behind Bottom and gave me a stern look I took to mean, “If you give up the game now, you jabbering jizzwhistle, I will murder you in your sleep.” A look I had learned to recognize over my many years of dealing with the more delicate sex.
“Oh, I could shag a brace of queens and put a girdle around the Earth in thirty minutes, if I so desired, but Theseus seemed rather determined I find out who killed the Puck. However, if you are the killer, I’ll have my answer and can fetch your flower and perform whatever other Puckish duties you require.”
She did seem rather unmoved by the demise of a fellow she’d bonked only the day before—if the Puck was to be believed—but royals can be fickle fucks in affairs of the heart, or that has been my experience.
“Me? Of course not. Robin Goodfellow was in my service, I would not harm any in my charge, for I love them as my own children. I see to the change of tides and the warm winds that bring fertile fruit to the valleys. I command the moon and—”
“Right, right, right, you can roll road apples into gold, and I would be in slack-jawed awe at your power and splendor if you didn’t live up a fucking tree, so, if I may, where were you at dawn today, and was there anyone with you at the time?”
“I was here, in my nest, until late morning, watching the sweet creatures of the forest lick the morning dew from the leaves.”
“You weren’t here when I woke up,” brayed Bottom. He’d climbed to his feet and come to the fore of the nest. “I looked everywhere for you. Was still looking for you when I ran into this lot in the evening.”
Titania’s face hid a storm full of clouds as anger, and fear, and confusion passed over her.
“Tits are flushing, ma’am,” said I. Well they were! If she was going to run around in the altogether, she needed to get control over her bubbly bits or she’d never master proper royal subterfuge and guile. “Bit of a tell, love, the pinkening of the knockers, on someone as fair as thou.”
“Oberon!” she blurted out. “The shadow king killed the Puck, or he will know who did. That arrow is from his people.”
“Don’t you have the same people?”
“No, I am queen of the fairies, he, well, his is a darker lot.”
“Goblins,” said Bottom.
“How do you fucking know?” I said. “Yesterday you thought I was a bloody elf.”
“It has been a strange day’s night. I have seen things. Horrible things.”
Titania glared at the ass-man and he retreated to the back of the nest with Cobweb, Peaseblossom, and the brown boy. Evidently the queen’s infatuation with Bottom had come to an end.
“So, goblins?” I prompted Titania.
“Oberon’s goblins have such weapons,” she said. “You’ll find your answer at the Night Palace.”
Her knockers had gone snowy again, so I presumed she was not lying.
“And why, lady, do you not reside with the shadow king? He is your consort, I presume.”
“Oberon and I are quarreling. He wished to take my young charge as a squire and I will not have it. I was ejected from the palace and he has forbidden my fairies from dancing until I relent, which shall be forevermore, for I will not surrender my boy.”
“You split the kingdom over a slave?”
“The boy is not a slave. Come here, young master. Come, Raj.” She waved for the boy to come forward. He scurried to her side and hugged her hip as she tousled his hair. “His mother was a priestess of my order in India. And in the spiced Indian air, often she gossiped by my side. She would sit with me on Neptune’s yellow sands and we would laugh to see the sails conceive and grow big bellied with the wanton wind; even as my lady did grow big bellied with my squire. But being mortal, she did die of the boy, and for her sake do I rear him up, and for her sake I will not part with him. She was my friend.”
“Well, children are a fucking blessing, aren’t they?” said I. “Especially if you get them when they’re grown and not so damp and leaky all the time. True joy. So, the potion you had the Puck fetch, what was it for?”
She looked to the side, suddenly coy. “A little love potion. You drop the liquor from a small purple flower into the intended’s eyes, and upon awaking, they fall in love with the first creature they lay eyes on, be it man, woman, or beast.”
“And who did he intend to use this potion upon?”
“I know not. Perhaps, as he is your master, you should ask him. Perhaps if you find who wanted to stop the Puck from delivering it, you will find who it was for. Ask Oberon.”
“That I will,” said I.
“Then away to the Night Palace with you, fool.” She turned to her retinue. “Fairies, prepare me a bath.”
The fairies, including Cobweb, Peaseblossom, and Mustardseed, scrambled upon her order.
“Your Grace,” I called. “While I am the very model of the magical fucking fool, in this strange land I do not have my finding spells sorted, so if I may borrow one of your fairies to lead me to the Night Palace? A Mistress Cobweb who led me here was quite a competent navigator, and she is indifferent to my cheese odor.”
“Poor thing,” said the queen. “Very well, Cobweb, go with this fool. Lead him to Oberon’s castle.”
Cobweb scrambled out from behind the nesting tree, came to my side, and wetly whispered, “Get the others,” in my ear.
“And, ma’am,” said I, “for some of my magics I will require others to attend, mainly to gather my scattered bits if something goes wrong. Might I borrow Peaseblossom, Moth, and Mustardseed as well?” The queen’s mad eyes were darting at the request, so I quickly added, “You’ll want as many fairy eyes in the Night Palace as possible, if the shadow king has tak
en to murder, don’t you think? I’ve played in a multitude of courts, and once the killing has started it seldom stops until everyone is dead. It would be wise to be informed of conditions.”
“Very well.” She called the three fairies, and they scampered from various parts of the green cathedral and joined Cobweb and me, except Mustardseed, whom the queen called back. “Not you. I’ll need you to attend me in my bath.”
Mustardseed winked at me, honked his codpiece (for certainly it was his now, as he was about to earn it), and swung himself back up into the nest.
“You’ll need a passport, beyond that of Theseus’s, or Oberon’s goblins may slay you while you’re still in the wood.” She reached into her hair and plucked a small white flower. “Raj?” Without looking back the little Indian boy came forward, took the flower from her, leapt to the ground, and gave it to me.
“It’s a flower,” said I.
“Yes, Oberon and his people will know it is mine and that you are under my protection.”
“But it’s a flower. A tender one at that. It will wilt.”
“Then you had better hurry, hadn’t you? And when you are finished, before you return to Theseus, return here and tell me what you found. Take note of any mortals in the Night Palace.”
I bowed. “As you wish, ma’am.”
Cobweb was already headed into the woods, the other fairies right behind her. I picked up my kit, tucked Titania’s passport flower in my hat, and started to follow.
“Master Pocket!” called Bottom. “Please, I am transformed and we have a play to do and I must get home or Mrs. Bottom will be very cross.”
I shrugged. I knew not how I could pry the weaver-turned-ass away from the fairy queen. “Can you help him, ma’am? When you are no longer in need of his services, that is. He is expected to perform at the duke’s wedding.”
“Take him. I am finished with him,” she said. “Go, creature. Go with him.”
“And could you turn him back to Nick Bottom the weaver, so as not to detract from his performance?”
