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Rurik’s eyes grew big and the crying instantly stopped. ‘I like treats.’
He raced off. Kara heaved a sigh as no one else appeared. What she had to say to Ash would be said in private. But she renewed her determination that she would keep Rurik safe.
She went into the graveyard and saw Ash, sitting on the ground with his head in his hands.
‘Ash? Why did you shout at Rurik?’
Ash lifted his head. ‘The boy wanted me to go into the graveyard. He said my father would be ashamed of me. I told him that I couldn’t care less what my father thought.’
‘Rurik hates being shouted at.’
‘I wasn’t shouting at him precisely, but I don’t want to see my gravestone. Not today. And I don’t care what my father would have wanted! Or how he feels about me! Why break the habit of a lifetime?’
Kara put her hand on her hip. This had all the signs of a disaster. Rurik and his grandfather used to love going to visit Ash’s gravestone. Rurik had probably been very excited to show his father and then Ash had ruined it. ‘This could have been avoided.’
‘How?’
‘You yelled at Rurik because you were far too stubborn to let me look at your leg earlier. What sort of man shouts at a six-year-old because of what a dead man might think?’
‘He needs to accept that men shout or otherwise he will be no good on the battlefield.’
‘Will you allow me to see the leg? Now?’ Kara knelt beside him. ‘If you had done so earlier, maybe you wouldn’t have such pain. Rurik has been through enough today without this. You were his new hero. You destroyed him.’
‘Forget it, Kara!’ Ash made a cutting motion. ‘Obviously there is nothing I can do which is right in your eyes, so just forget it. What is the point of explaining? And I told you before I know how to deal with my injury. I’ve learnt how. It wasn’t the pain in my leg. I don’t know if I can do this.’
‘Why did you bother to come back, Ash? Why won’t you accept any help?’
‘Just go!’
‘I will go, but maybe you should think about why you came back at all.’
Ash dropped his head on his knees, rather than watch her walk away. The sheer pain in his leg was excruciating, but it was nothing compared to the searing pain in his heart. And there was nothing anyone, not even a skilled healer like Kara, could do to ease that pain.
He had frightened his son. Rather than being a hero, he had behaved like the snivelling weakling his father always used to say he was. And he knew he couldn’t play at being a hero any more. He couldn’t be the man he wanted to be for Kara and that hurt worse than the pain in his leg.
Ash pressed his hands to his eyes. He might not be able to be the sort of man his father wanted him to be or even the hero of Kara’s girlish dreams, but he could be a father to Rurik. He could be the sort of father he’d wanted as a child, the proper sort who taught his child skills, rather than shouting at them. And he wasn’t prepared to walk away from Kara. Not yet, not until he’d tasted her lips.
‘Go? I have just begun to fight, Kara, but this time, I am fighting for you on my terms, not my father’s.’ Ash wiped his hands on his trousers. ‘And the place to start is looking at my grave.’
* * *
Coward, she was being the worst sort of coward. Avoiding Ash. Finding little jobs to do so that she wouldn’t have to confront him about his behaviour at the graveyard.
She wanted him to like it, but was certain he’d object to various things, when it shouldn’t matter. His opinion should make no difference. She refused to go back to being the girl whose entire well-being hinged on whether or not Ash smiled. She was proud of her accomplishments and she wanted him to think her a good mother, but after Rurik’s little escapade, he must think her awful.
Kara pressed her hands against the low table where the wool skeins were spread, ready for her inspection, and willed the doubts to be gone.
Her women had been busy while she was away. She couldn’t fault them, especially Gudrun. She could always tell Gudrun’s skeins because of the way she wrapped the thread. No one else managed that little twist at the end. Gudrun had done all that she’d said. Kara was impressed by how much she had managed to do. Unfortunately Gudrun’s efficiency meant that, after she’d finished the inspection, she would have run out of excuses. She would have to return to the hall and face Ash.
‘What would you do? Would you go to the stables and see if the horses were bedded in properly or go to the great hall?’ she asked Dain, who gave a soft woof in response.
