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The words of their conversation were superficial and uncomfortable, but there was an intensity about him that filled Ayla with an uneasy tension. When she went back in, he stayed and brushed the young stallion until it got dark. The first time he saw Ayla, she was helping Whinney give birth, he remembered. He’d never seen anything like that before. It was going to be hard leaving him, too. Jondalar felt more for Racer than he ever thought it was possible to feel for an animal.
Finally he went in the tent, and crawled into his bed. He closed his eyes, but sleep would not come. He lay awake and thought of Ayla, of their time in the valley and their love that grew slowly. No, not so slowly. He loved her from the beginning, he had just been slow to recognize it, slow to appreciate it, so slow he lost it. He threw away her love, and he would pay for the rest of his life. How could he have been so stupid? He would never forget her, or the pain of losing her, and he would never forgive himself.
It was a long, difficult night, and when the first light of dawn barely glimmered through the tent opening, he could stand it no longer. He couldn’t say goodbye, to her or anyone, he just had to leave. Quietly, he gathered up his travel clothing, packs, and sleeping roll, and slipped outside.
“You decided not to wait. I thought as much,” Mamut said.
Jondalar spun around. “I … ah … I have to go. I can’t stay any longer. It’s time I … ah,” he stammered.
“I know, Jondalar. I wish you good Journey. You have a long way to go. You must decide for yourself what is best, but remember this, a choice cannot be made if there is none to make.” The old man ducked into the tent.
Jondalar frowned, and he walked toward the horse lean-to. What did Mamut mean? Why did Those Who Served the Mother always speak words that could not be understood?
When he saw Racer, Jondalar had a fleeting impulse to ride away on him, at least take away that much, but Racer was Ayla’s horse. He patted both of them, gave the brown stallion a hug around the neck, and then noticed Wolf, and gave him an affectionate rub. Then he quickly got up and started walking down the path.
When Ayla woke up the sun was streaming in. It looked like a perfect day. Then she remembered this was the day of the Matrimonial celebration. The day didn’t seem so perfect any more. She sat up and looked around. Something was wrong. It had always been her habit to glance over in Jondalar’s direction when she first woke up. He wasn’t there. Jondalar is up early this morning, she thought. She couldn’t get over the feeling that something was very wrong.
She got up, dressed, and went outside to wash and find a twig for her teeth. Nezzie was beside the fire, looking at her, strangely. The feeling that something wasn’t right grew distinctly stronger. She glanced toward the horse lean-to. Whinney and Racer seemed fine, and there was Wolf. She went back in the tent and looked around again. Many people were up and gone for the day. Then she noticed that Jondalar’s place was empty. He wasn’t just gone for the day. His sleeping roll and traveling packs, everything was missing. Jondalar was gone!
Ayla ran out in a panic. “Nezzie! Jondalar is gone! He’s not just at Wolf Camp someplace, he’s gone. And he left me behind!”
“I know, Ayla. I’ve been expecting it, haven’t you?”
“But he didn’t even say goodbye! I thought he was going to stay until the Matrimonial.”
“That’s the last thing he ever wanted to do, Ayla. He never wanted to see you join with someone else.”
“But … but … Nezzie, he didn’t want me. What else could I do?”
“What do you want to do?”
“I want to go with him! But he’s gone. How could he leave me? He was going to take me with him. That’s what we planned. What happened to everything we had planned, Nezzie?” she said, in a sudden burst of tears. Nezzie held out her arms, and comforted the sobbing young woman.
“Plans change, Ayla. Lives change. What about Ranec?”
“I’m not the right one for him. He should join with Tricie. She’s the one who loves him,” Ayla said.
“Don you love him? He loves you.”
“I wanted to love him, Nezzie. I tried to love him, but I love Jondalar. Now Jondalar is gone.” Ayla sobbed anew. “He doesn’t love me.”
“Are you so sure?” Nezzie asked.
“He left me, and he didn’t even say goodbye. Nezzie, why did he leave without me? What did I do wrong?” Ayla pleaded.
“Do you think you did something wrong?”
Ayla stopped and frowned. “He wanted to talk to me yesterday, and I wouldn’t talk to him.”
“Why wouldn’t you talk to him?”
“Because … because he didn’t want me. All last winter, when I loved him so much, and wanted to be with him, he didn’t want me. He wouldn’t even talk to me.”
“So when he did want to talk to you, you wouldn’t talk to him. It happens that way sometimes,” Nezzie said.
“But I do want to talk to him, Nezzie. I want to be with him. Even if he doesn’t love me, I want to be with him. But now he’s gone. He just got up and walked away. He can’t be gone! He can’t be gone … far …”
Nezzie looked at her and almost smiled.
