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“It’s only because I love you. I have to cry. It’s been so long, and I love you so much,” she said.
He kissed her eyes, her tears, her mouth, and felt it open to him, gently, firmly.
“Ayla, are you really here?” he said. “I thought I’d lost you, and I knew it was my own fault. I love you, Ayla, I never stopped loving you. You must believe that. I never stopped loving you, even though I know why you thought so.”
“But you didn’t want to love me, did you?”
He closed his eyes and his forehead knotted with the pain of the truth. He nodded. “I was ashamed that I loved someone who came from the Clan, and I hated myself for feeling ashamed of the woman I loved. I’ve never been so happy with anyone as I have with you. I love you, and when it was just the two of us, everything was perfect. But when we were with other people … every time you did something that you learned from the Clan, I was embarrassed. And I was always afraid you’d say something, and then everyone would know that I loved a woman who was … abomination.” He could hardly say the word.
“Everyone used to tell me I could have any woman I wanted. No woman could refuse me, they said, not even the Mother Herself. It seemed to be true. What they didn’t know was that I never knew a woman I really wanted, until I met you. But what would they say if I brought you home? If Jondalar could have anyone, why would he bring home … the mother of a flathead … an abomination? I was afraid they wouldn’t accept you, and turn me away, too, unless … I turned against you. I was afraid I might, if I had to choose between my people and you.”
Ayla was frowning. She looked down. “I didn’t understand. That would be a hard decision for you to make.”
“Ayla,” Jondalar said, turning her face up to look at him. “I love you. Maybe only now do I realize how important that is to me. Not just that you love me, but that I love you. Now I know, for me there is only one choice. You are more important to me than my people, or anyone. I want to be wherever you are.” Her eyes overflowed again, try as she might to stop them. “If you want to stay here and live with the Mamutoi, I will stay and become Mamutoi. If you want me to share you with Ranec … I will do that, too.”
“Is that what you want to do?”
“If it’s what you want …” Jondalar started to say, then remembered Mamuts words. Maybe he ought to give her a choice, tell her his preference. “I want to be with you, that’s most important, believe me. I would be willing to stay here, if that’s what you want, but if you ask me what I want, I want to go home, and take you with me.”
“Take me with you? You aren’t ashamed of me any more? You’re not ashamed of the Clan, and Durc?”
“No. I’m not ashamed of you. I’m proud of you. And I’m not ashamed of the Clan either. You, and Rydag, have taught me something very important, and maybe it’s time to try and teach some others. I’ve learned so many things that I want to take back to my people. I want to show them the spear-thrower, and Wymez’s methods of working (lint, and your firestones, and the thread-puller, and the horses and Wolf With all that, they may even be willing to listen to someone trying to tell them that the people of the Clan are children of the Earth Mother, too.”
“The Cave Lion is your totem, Jondalar,” Ayla said with the finality of absolute knowledge.
“You’ve said that before. What makes you so sure?”
“Remember when I told you powerful totems are hard to live with? The
ir tests are very hard, but their gifts, what you learn from them, make it all worth it. You have been through a hard test, but are you sorry now? This year has been hard for both of us, but I have learned so much, about myself, and about the Others. I am not afraid of them any more. You have learned very much, too, about yourself and about the Clan. I think you feared them, in a different way. Now you have overcome it. The Cave Lion is a Clan totem, and you don’t hate them any more.”
“I think you must be right, and I’m glad a Clan Cave Lion totem has chosen me, if that means I am acceptable to you. I have nothing to offer you, Ayla, except myself. I can’t promise any affiliations, not even my people. I cannot make promises, because I don’t know if the Zelandonii will accept you. If they don’t, we’ll have to find some other place to go. I will become a Mamutoi if you want, but I would rather take you home and have Zelandoni tie the knot for us.”
“Is that like joining?” Ayla asked. “You never asked me to join with you before. You asked me to come with you, but you never asked me to make a hearth with you.”
“Ayla, Ayla, what’s wrong with me? Why do I take it for granted that you know everything, already? Maybe it’s because you know so much that I don’t know, and you’ve learned so much, so fast, that I forget you’ve just learned it. Maybe I ought to learn a sign for saying things that I don’t have words for.”
Then, with an amused smile of delight, he hunkered down in front of her with one knee to the ground. He wasn’t quite sitting cross-legged, with his head bowed, the way she always did, but he was looking up at her. Ayla was obviously disconcerted, and uncomfortable, which pleased him, because that was always how he felt.
“What are you doing, Jondalar? Men aren’t supposed to do that. They don’t have to ask permission to speak.”
“But I have to ask, Ayla. Will you come back with me, and join with me, and have Zelandoni tie the knot, and make a hearth with me, and make some children for me?”
Ayla started crying again, and felt silly for all the tears she had been shedding. “Jondalar, I never wanted anything else. Yes, to all those things. Now, please, get up.”
He stood up, and took her in his arms, feeling happier than he ever had in his life. He kissed her, then held her to him as though he was afraid to let her go, afraid he might lose her, as he very nearly did before.
He kissed her again, and need for her grew with the wonder of her being there. She felt it, and her body responded and was ready for him. But he wanted no taking of her this time. He wanted her fully, completely. He backed away, and shrugged off the traveling pack he still wore. Then he took out a ground cloth and spread it out. Wolf suddenly came bounding up to him.
“You’re going to have to stay away for a while,” he said, then smiled at Ayla.
She commanded Wolf away, and smiled back at Jondalar. He sat down on the ground cloth and reached his hand up to her. She joined him, already tingling, anticipating, and wanting him so much.
He kissed her then, lightly, and reached for her breast, and savored even the small familiarity of its full, round shape through her light tunic. She remembered, too, and more. Quickly, she pulled the tunic off. He reached for her with both hands, and the next instant, she was on her back, with his mouth firmly on hers. His hand caressed a breast, and found the nipple, and then a warm wet mouth was on her other nipple. She moaned as the drawing sensation sent waves of feeling deep inside to the place that hungered for him. She rubbed his arms, and his broad back, then the back of his neck, and his hair. For just an instant, she was surprised that it wasn’t tightly curled. The thought left as quickly as it came.
He was kissing her again, his tongue gently probing. She took his in, then probed back, remembering that his touch was never too much, or too frenzied, but sensitive and knowing. She delighted in the memory, and in the renewal of it. It was almost like the first time, learning him again, and remembering how well he knew her. How many nights had she longed for him?
He tasted the warmth of her mouth, then the salt of her throat. She felt warm shivers tracing her jaw, then the side of her neck. He kissed her shoulder, nibbled lightly, and suckled, playing with the sensitive places he knew were there. Unexpectedly, he took her nipple again. She gasped at the sudden increase in feeling. Then she sighed, and moaned with pleasure as he played them both.
