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"It's unbelievable," Sir said, "that Dr. Orwell was really a hypnotist, and that she hypnotized Klaus in order to get ahold of the Baudelaire fortune. Luckily, Violet figured out how to unhypnotize her brother, and he didn't cause any more accidents."
"It's unbelievable," Charles said, "that Foreman Flacutono grabbed me in the middle of the night, and tied me to that log, in order to get ahold of the Baudelaire fortune. Luckily, Klaus invented something that shoved the log out of the path of the saw just in time, and I only have a small cut on my foot."
"It's unbelievable," Mr. Poe said, after a short cough, "that Shirley was going to adopt the children, in order to get ahold of the Baudelaire fortune. Luckily, we realized her plan, and now she has to go back to being a receptionist."
At this Violet could keep quiet no longer. "Shirley is not a receptionist!" she cried. "She's not even Shirley! She's Count Olaf!"
"Now that" Sir said, "is the part of the story that is so unbelievable that I don't believe it. I met this young woman, and she isn't at all like Count Olaf! She has one eyebrow instead of two, that's true, but plenty of wonderful people have that characteristic!"
"You must forgive the children," Mr. Poe said. "They tend to see Count Olaf everywhere."
"That's because he is everywhere," Klaus said bitterly.
"Well," Sir said, "he hasn't been here in Paltryville. We've been looking out for him, remember?"
"Weleef!" Sunny cried. She meant something along the lines of "But he was in disguise, as usual!"
"Can we go see this Shirley person?" Charles asked timidly. "The children do seem fairly sure of themselves. Perhaps if Mr. Poe could see this receptionist, we could clear this matter up."
"I put Shirley and Foreman Flacutono in the library, and asked Phil to keep an eye on them," Sir said. "Charles's library turns out to be useful at last-as a substitute jail, until we clear up this matter!"
"The library was plenty useful, Sir," Violet said. "If I hadn't read up on hypnosis, your partner, Charles, would be dead."
"You certainly are a clever child," Charles said.
"Yes," Sir agreed. "You'll do wonderfully at boarding school."
"Boarding school?" Mr. Poe asked.
"Of course," Sir replied, nodding his cloud of smoke. "You don't think I would keep them now, do you, after all the trouble they've caused my lumbermill?"
"But that wasn't our fault!" Klaus cried.
"That doesn't matter," Sir said. "We made a deal. The deal was that I would try to keep Count Olaf away, and you wouldn't cause any more accidents. You didn't keep your end of the deal."
"Hech!" Sunny shrieked, which meant "But you didn't keep your end of the deal, either!" Sir paid no attention.
"Well, let's go see this woman," Mr. Poe said, "and we can settle once and for all whether or not Count Olaf was here."
The three grown-ups nodded, and the three children followed them down the hallway to the library door, where Phil was sitting on a chair with a book in his hands.
"Hello, Phil," Violet said. "How is your leg?"
"Oh, it's getting better," he said, pointing to his cast. "I've been guarding the door, Sir, and neither Shirley nor Foreman Flacutono have escaped. Oh, and by the way, I've been reading this book, The Paltryville Constitution. I don't understand all of the words, but it sounds like it's illegal to pay people only in coupons."
"We'll talk about that later," Sir said quickly. "We need to see Shirley about something."
Sir reached forward and opened the door to reveal Shirley and Foreman Flacutono sitting quietly at two tables near the window. Shirley had Dr. Orwell's book in one hand and waved at the children with the other.
"Hello there, children!" she called, in her phony high voice. "I was so worried about you!"
"So was I!" Foreman Flacutono said. "Thank goodness I'm unhypnotized now, so I'm not treating you badly any longer!"
"So you were hypnotized, too?" Sir asked.
"Of course we were!" Shirley cried. She leaned down and patted all three children on the head. "We never would have acted so dreadfully otherwise, not to three such wonderful and delicate children!" Behind her false eyelashes, Shirley's shiny eyes gazed at the Baudelaires as if she were going to eat them as soon as she got the opportunity.
"You see?" Sir said to Mr. Poe. "No wonder it was unbelievable that Foreman Flacutono and Shirley acted so horribly. Of course she's not Count Olaf!"
"Count who?" Foreman Flacutono asked. "I've never heard of the man."
"Me neither," Shirley said, "but I'm only a receptionist."
"Perhaps you're not only a receptionist," Sir said. "Perhaps you're also a mother. What do you say, Mr. Poe? Shirley really wants to raise these children, and they're much too much trouble for me."
"No!" Klaus cried. "She's Count Olaf, not Shirley!"
Mr. Poe coughed into his white handkerchief at great length, and the three Baudelaires waited tensely for him to finish coughing and say something. Finally, he removed his handkerchief from his face and said to Shirley, "I'm sorry to say this, ma'am, but the children are convinced that you are a man named Count Olaf, disguised as a receptionist."
"If you'd like," Shirley said, "I can take you to Dr. Orwell's office-the late Dr. Orwell's office-and show you my nameplate. It clearly reads 'Shirley.'"
"I'm afraid that would not be sufficient," Mr. Poe said. "Would you do us all the courtesy of showing us your left ankle?"
"Why, it's not polite to look at a lady's legs," Shirley said. "Surely you know that."
"If your left ankle does not have a tattoo of an eye on it," Mr. Poe said, "then you are most certainly not Count Olaf."
Shirley's eyes shone very, very bright, and she gave everyone in the room a big, toothy smile. "And what if it does?" she asked, and hitched up her skirt slightly. "What if it does have a tattoo of an eye on it?"
Everyone's eyes turned to Shirley's ankle, and one eye looked back at them. It resembled the eye-shaped building of Dr. Orwell, which the Baudelaire orphans felt had been watching them since they arrived in Paltryville. It resembled the eye on the cover of Dr. Orwell's book, which the Baudelaire orphans felt had been staring at them since they began working at the Lucky Smells Lumbermill. And, of course, it looked exactly like Count Olaf's tattoo, which is what it was, and which the Baudelaire orphans felt had been gazing at them since their parents had died.
"In that case," Mr. Poe said, after a pause, "you are not Shirley. You are Count Olaf, and you are under arrest. I order you to take off that ridiculous disguise!"
"Should I take off my ridiculous disguise, as well?" Foreman Flacutono asked, and tore his white wig off with one smooth motion. It did not surprise the children that he was bald-they had known his absurd hair was a wig from the moment they laid eyes on him-but there was something about the shape of his bald head that suddenly seemed familiar. Glaring at the orphans with his beady eyes, he grabbed his surgical mask from his face and removed that, too. A long nose uncurled itself from where it had been pressed down to his face, and the siblings saw in an instant that it was one of Count Olaf's assistants.
"It's the bald man!" Violet cried.
"With the long nose!" Klaus cried.
"Plemo!" Sunny cried, which meant "Who works for Count Olaf!"
"I guess we're lucky enough to capture two criminals today," Mr. Poe said sternly.
"Well, three, if you include Dr. Orwell," Count Olaf-and what a relief it is to call him that, instead of Shirley-said.
"Enough nonsense," Mr. Poe said. "You, Count Olaf, are under arrest for various murders and attempted murders, various frauds and attempted frauds, and various despicable acts and attempted despicable acts, and you, my bald, long-nosed friend, are under arrest for helping him."
Count Olaf shrugged, sending his wig toppling to the floor, and smiled at the Baudelaires in a way they were sorry to recognize. It was a certain smile that Count Olaf had just when it looked like he was trapped. It was a smile that looked as if Count Olaf were tellin
g a joke, and it was a smile accompanied by his eyes shining brightly and his evil brain working furiously. "This book was certainly helpful to you, orphans," Count Olaf said, holding Dr. Orwell's Advanced Ocular Science high in the air, "and now it will help me." With all his rotten might, Count Olaf turned and threw the heavy book right through one of the library windows. With a crash of tinkling glass, the window shattered and left a good-sized hole. The hole was just big enough for a person to jump through, which is exactly what the bald man did, wrinkling his long nose at the children as if they smelled bad. Count Olaf laughed a horrible, rough laugh, and followed his comrade out the window and away from Paltryville. "I'll be back for you, orphans!" he called. "I'll be back for your lives!"
"Egad!" Mr. Poe said, using an expression which here means "Oh no! He's escaping!"
Sir stepped quickly to the window, and peered out after Count Olaf and the bald man, who were running as fast as their skinny legs could carry them. "Don't come back here!" Sir yelled out after them. "The orphans won't be here, so don't return!"
"What do you mean, the orphans won't be here?" Mr. Poe asked sternly. "You made a deal, and you didn't keep your end of it! Count Olaf was here after all!"
"That doesn't matter," Sir said, waving one of his hands dismissively. "Wherever these Baudelaires go, misfortune follows, and I will have no more of it!"
