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"Thank you," Esmé said. She poked Colette with one of her long fingernails, and the contortionist stood up so Esmé could sit down in her chair. "As you can see from the front of my gown, I love freaks."
"You do?" Kevin said. "That's very nice of you."
"Yes, it is," Esmé agreed. "I had this dress made especially to show how much I love them. Look, there's a cushion on the shoulder, to resemble a hunchback, and my hat makes me look as if I have two heads, like Beverly and Elliot."
"You certainly look very freakish," Colette said.
Esmé frowned, as if this wasn't quite what she wanted to hear. "Of course, I'm not really a freak," she said. "I'm a normal person, but I wanted to show you all how much I admire you. Now, please bring me a carton of buttermilk. It's very in."
"We don't have any," Hugo said, "but I think we have some cranberry juice, or I could make you some hot chocolate. Chabo here taught me to add cinnamon to the hot chocolate, and it tastes quite delicious."
"Tom ka gai!" Sunny said.
"And we also have soup," Hugo said.
Esmé looked down at Sunny and frowned. "No, thank you," she said, "although it's very kind of you to offer. In fact, you freaks are so kind that I consider you to be more than employees at a carnival I happen to be visiting. I consider you to be some of my closest friends."
The children knew, of course, that this ridiculous statement was as fake as Esmé's second head, but their coworkers were thrilled. Hugo gave Esmé a big smile, and stood up straight so that you could barely see his hunchback. Kevin blushed and looked down at his hands. And Colette was so excited that before she could stop herself, she twisted her body until it resembled the letter K and the letter S at the same time.
"Oh, Esmé," Colette said. "Do you really mean it?"
"Of course I mean it," Esmé said, pointing to the front of her gown. "I would rather be here with you than with the finest people in the world."
"Gosh," Kevin said. "No normal person has ever called me a friend."
"Well, that's what you are," Esmé said, and leaned toward Kevin to kiss him on the nose. "You're all my freaky friends. And it makes me very sad to think that one of you will be eaten by lions tomorrow." The Baudelaires watched as she reached into a pocket in the gown and drew out a white handkerchief, embroidered with the same slogan as her gown, and held up the word "freaks" to dab at her eyes. "I have real tears in my eyes from thinking about it," she explained.
"There, there, close friend," Kevin said, and patted one of her hands. "Don't be sad."
"I can't help it," Esmé said, yanking back her own hand as if she were afraid that being ambidextrous was contagious. "But I have an opportunity for you that might make all of us very, very happy."
"An opportunity?" Hugo asked. "Why, Beverly and Elliot were just telling us that an opportunity could come along at any minute."
"And they were right," Esmé said. "Tonight I am offering you the opportunity to quit your jobs at the House of Freaks, and join Count Olaf and myself in his troupe."
"What would we do exactly?" Hugo asked.
Esmé smiled, and began to accentuate the positive aspects of working with Count Olaf, a phrase which here means "make the opportunity sound better than it really was, by emphasizing the good parts and scarcely mentioning the bad." "It's a theatrical troupe," she said, "so you'd be wearing costumes and doing dramatic exercises, and occasionally committing crimes."
"Dramatic exercises!" Kevin exclaimed, clasping both hands to his heart. "It's always been my heart's desire to perform on a stage!"
"And I've always wanted to wear a costume!" Hugo said.
"But you do perform on a stage," Violet said "and you wear an ill-fitting costume every day at the House of Freaks."
"If you joined, you'd get to travel with us to exciting places," Esmé continued, glaring at Violet. "Members of Count Olaf's troupe have seen the trees of Finite Forest, and the shores of Lake Lachrymose, and the crows of the Village of Fowl Devotees, although they always have to sit in the back seat. And, best of all, you'd get to work for Count Olaf, one of the most brilliant and handsome men who ever walked the face of the earth."
"Do you really think that a normal man like him would want to work with freaks like us?' Colette asked.
"Of course he would," Esmé said. "Count Olaf doesn't care whether you have something wrong with you or if you're normal, as long as you're willing to carry out his orders. I think you'll find that working in Olaf's troupe is a job where people won't think you're freakish at all. And you'll be paid a fortune — at least, Count Olaf will be."
"Wow!" Hugo said. "What an opportunity!"
"I had a hunch you'd be excited about it," Esmé said. "No offense, Hugo. Now, if you're interested in joining, there's just one thing you need to do."
"A job interview?" Colette asked nervously.
"There's no need for close friends of mine to do anything as unpleasant as a job interview," Esmé said. "You just have to do one simple task. Tomorrow afternoon, during the show with the lions, Count Olaf will announce which freak will jump into the pit of lions. But I want whomever is chosen to throw Madame Lulu in instead."
The freaks' caravan was silent for a moment as everyone digested this information. "You mean," Hugo said finally, "that you want us to murder Madame Lulu?"
"Don't think of it as murder," Esmé said. "Think of it as a dramatic exercise. It's a special surprise for Count Olaf that will prove to him that you're brave enough to join his troupe."
"Throwing Lulu into a pit of lions doesn't strike me as particularly brave," Colette said. "Just cruel and vicious."
"How can it be cruel and vicious to give people what they want?" Esmé asked. "You want to join Count Olaf's troupe, the crowd wants to see someone eaten by lions, and I want Madame Lulu thrown into the pit. Tomorrow, one of you will have the exciting opportunity to give everybody exactly what they want."
"Grr," Sunny growled, but only her siblings understood that she really meant "Everybody except Lulu."
"When you put it like that," Hugo said thoughtfully, "it doesn't sound so bad."
"Of course it doesn't," Esmé said, adjusting her false head. "Besides, Madame Lulu was eager to see all of you eaten by lions, so you should be happy to throw her in the pit."
"But why do you want Madame Lulu thrown in?" Colette asked.
Esmé scowled. "Count Olaf thinks we have to make this carnival popular, so that Madame Lulu will help us with her crystal ball," she said, "but I don't think we need her help. Besides, I'm tired of my boyfriend buying her presents."
"That doesn't seem like such a good reason for someone to be eaten by lions," Violet said carefully, in her disguised voice.
"I'm not surprised that a two-headed person like yourself is a little confused," Esmé said, and reached out her long-nailed hands to pat both Violet and Klaus on their scarred faces. "Once you join Olaf's troupe, you won't be troubled by that kind of freakish thinking any longer."
"Just think," Hugo said, "tomorrow we'll stop being freaks, and we'll be henchmen of Count Olaf."
"I prefer the term henchpeople," Colette said.
