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"Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the most exciting afternoon of your entire lives!'
Count Olaf announced, and cracked his whip into the pit. The whip was just long enough to strike the restless lions, who roared obediently and gnashed their teeth in hunger. "These carnivorous lions are ready to eat a freak," he said. "But which freak will it be?"
The crowd parted, and the hook-handed man emerged, leading the Baudelaires' coworkers in a line toward the edge of the pit where the Baudelaires stood. Hugo, Colette, and Kevin had evidently been told to dress in their freakish clothes rather than in the gifts Esmé had given them, and they gave the Baudelaires a small smile and stared nervously at the snarling lions. Once the children's coworkers had taken their places, Count Olaf's other comrades emerged from the crowd. Esmé Squalor was wearing a pinstripe suit and carrying a parasol, which is a small umbrella used for keeping the sun out of one's eyes, and she smiled at the crowd and sat down on a small chair brought by Olaf's bald associate, who was also holding a long, flat piece of wood that he placed at the edge of the pit so it hung over the lions like a diving board over a swimming pool. Finally, the two white-faced women stepped forward, holding a small wooden box with a hole in the top.
"I'm so glad this is my last day in these clothes," Hugo murmured to the Baudelaires, gesturing to his ill-fitting coat. "Just think — soon I'll be a member of Count Olaf's troupe, and I'll never have to look like a freak again."
"Unless you're thrown to the lions," Klaus couldn't help replying.
"Are you kidding?" Hugo whispered back. "If I'm the one chosen, I'm going to throw Madame Lulu into the pit, just like Esmé said."
"Look closely at all these freaks," Count Olaf said, as several people in the audience tittered. "Observe Hugo's funny back. Think about how silly it is that Colette can bend herself into all sorts of strange positions. Giggle at the absurdity of Kevin's ambidextrous arms and legs. Snicker at Beverly and Elliot, the two-headed freak. And laugh so hard that you can scarcely breathe at Chabo the Wolf Baby."
The crowd erupted into laughter, pointing and laughing at the people they thought were funniest.
"Look at Chabo's ridiculous teeth!" cried a woman who had dyed her hair several colors at once. "She looks positively idiotic!"
"I think Kevin is funnier!" replied her husband, who had dyed his hair to match. "I hope he's thrown into the pit. It'll be fun to see him try to defend himself with both hands and feet."
"I hope it's the hook-handed freak!" said a woman standing in back of the Baudelaires. "That will make it even more violent!"
"I'm not a freak," the hook-handed man snarled impatiently. "I'm an employee of Count Olaf's."
"Oh, sorry," the woman replied. "In that case, I hope it's that man with pimples all over his chin."
"I'm a member of the audience!" the man cried. "I'm not a freak. I just have a few skin problems."
"Then what about that woman in that silly suit?" she asked. "Or that guy with only one eyebrow?"
"I'm Count Olaf's girlfriend," Esmé said, "and my suit is in, not silly."
"I don't care who's a freak and who isn't," said someone else in the crowd. "I just want to see the lions eat somebody."
"You will," Count Olaf promised. "We're going to have the choosing ceremony right now. The names of all the freaks have been written down on small scraps of paper and placed in the box that these two lovely ladies are holding."
The two white-faced women held up the wooden box and curtsied to the audience, while Esmé frowned at them. "I don't think they're particularly lovely," she said, but few people heard her over the cheering of the crowd.
"I'm going to reach inside the box," Count Olaf said, "draw out one piece of paper, and read the name of the freak out loud. Then that freak will walk down that wooden plank and jump into the pit, and we'll all watch as the lions eat him."
"Or her," Esmé said. She looked over at Madame Lulu, and then at the Baudelaires and their coworkers. Putting down her parasol for a moment, she raised both of her long-nailed hands and made a small, pushing motion to remind them of her scheme.
"Or her," Count Olaf said, looking curiously at Esmé's gesture. "Now, are there any questions before we begin?"
"Why do you get to choose the name?" asked the pimpled man.
"Because this whole thing was my idea," Count Olaf said.
"I have a question," asked the woman with dyed hair. "Is this legal?"
"Oh, stop spoiling the fun," her husband said. "You wanted to come and watch people get eaten by lions, and so I brought you. If you're going to ask a bunch of complicated questions you can go wait in the car."
"Please continue, Your Countship," said the reporter from The Daily Punctilio.
"I will," Count Olaf said, and whipped the lions one more time before reaching into the wooden box. Giving the children and their coworkers a cruel smile, he moved his hand around inside the box for quite some time before at last drawing out a small piece of paper that had been folded many times. The crowd leaned forward to watch, and the Baudelaires strained to see over the heads of the adults around them. But Count Olaf did not unfold the piece of paper immediately. Instead he held it up as high as he could and gave the audience a large smile.
"I'm going to open the piece of paper very slowly," he announced, "to increase the suspense."
"How clever!" the reporter said, snapping her gum in excitement. "I can see the headline now: 'COUNT OLAF INCREASES SUSPENSE.'"
"I learned how to amaze crowds by working extensively as a famous actor," Count Olaf said, smiling at the reporter and still holding up the piece of paper. "Be sure to write that down."
"I will," the reporter said breathlessly, and held her microphone closer to Olaf's mouth.
"Ladies and gentlemen," Count Olaf cried. "I am now unfolding the first fold in the piece of paper!"
"Oh boy!" cried several members of the audience. "Hooray for the first fold!"
"There are only five folds left," Olaf said. "Only five more folds, and we'll know which freak will be thrown to the lions."
"This is so exciting!" cried the man with dyed hair. "I might faint!"
"Just don't faint into the pit," his wife said.
"I am now unfolding the second fold in the piece of paper!" Count Olaf announced. "Now there are only four folds left!"
The lions roared impatiently, as if they were tired of all this nonsense with the piece of paper but the audience cheered for the increased suspense and paid no attention to the beasts in the pit, gazing only at Count Olaf, who smiled and blew kisses to the carnival visitors. The Baudelaires, however, were no longer looking over the heads of the crowd to watch Olaf do his shtick, a phrase which here means "increase suspense by slowly unfolding a piece of paper printed with the name of someone who was supposed to jump into a pit of lions." They were taking advantage of the fact that no one was watching them, and stepped as close as they could to one another so they could talk without being overheard.
