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"Throwing people into pits isn't really my job," Count Olaf said nervously to the crowd. "I'm more of an actor."
"I have an idea," Esmé said suddenly, in a false sweet voice, "Madame Lulu, why don't you walk down that plank and throw your freak to its death?"
"This is not really my job either, please," Madame Lulu protested, looking at the children nervously. "I am fortune-teller, not freak-thrower."
"Don't be so modest, Madame Lulu," Count Olaf said with a nasty smile. "Even though the lion show was my idea, you're the most important person here at the carnival. Take my place on the plank, so we can see someone get pushed to their death."
"What a nice offer!" the reporter cried. "You're a very generous person, Count Olaf!"
"Let's see Madame Lulu throw Beverly and Elliot into the pit!" cried the pimpled man, and everyone cheered again. As mob psychology began to take hold, the crowd seemed to be as flexible as it was excited, and they gave the fortune-teller an enormous round of applause as she nervously took Count Olaf's place on the plank. The piece of wood teetered for a moment from the weight of so many people standing on it, and the older Baudelaires had to struggle to keep their balance. The crowd gasped in excitement, and then groaned as the two disguised children managed not to fall.
"This is so exciting!" squealed the reporter. "Maybe Lulu will fall in, too!"
"Yes," Esmé snarled. "Maybe she will."
"I don't care who falls in!" announced the pimpled man. Frustrated by the delay in violence and sloppy eating, he tossed his cold beverage into the pit and splashed several lions, who roared in annoyance. "To me, a woman in a turban is just as freaky as a two-headed person. I'm not prejudiced!"
"Me neither!" agreed someone who was wearing a hat with the words CALIGARI CARNIVAL printed on it. "I'm just eager for this show to finally get started! I hope Madame Lulu is brave enough to push that freak in!"
"It doesn't matter if she's brave enough," the bald man replied with a chuckle. "Everyone will do what they're expected to do. What other choice do they have?"
Violet and Klaus had reached the end of the plank, and they tried as hard as they could to think of an answer to the bald man's question.
Below them was a roaring mass of hungry lions, who had gathered so closely together below the wooden board that they just seemed to be a mass of waving claws and open mouths, and around them was a roaring crowd of people who were watching them with eager smiles on their faces. The Baudelaires had succeeded in getting the crowd more and more frantic, but they still hadn't found an opportunity to slip away in the confusion, and now it seemed like that opportunity would never knock. With difficulty, Violet turned her head to face her brother, and Klaus squinted back at her, and Sunny could see that her siblings' eyes were filled with tears.
"Our luck may have run out," she said.
"Stop whispering to your heads!" Count Olaf ordered in a terrible voice. "Madame Lulu, push them in this instant"
"We're increasing the suspense!" Klaus cried back desperately.
"The suspense has been increased enough," replied the man with the pimpled chin impatiently. "I'm getting tired of all this stalling!"
"Me, too!" cried the woman with dyed hair.
"Me, too!" cried someone else standing nearby. "Olaf, hit Lulu with the whip! That'll get her to stop stalling!"
"Just one moment, please," Madame Lulu said, and took another step toward Violet and Klaus. The plank teetered again, and the lions roared, hoping that their lunch was about to arrive. Madame Lulu looked at the elder Baudelaires frantically and the children saw her shoulders shrug slightly underneath her shimmering robe.
"Enough of this!" the hook-handed man said, and stepped forward impatiently. "I'll throw them in myself. I guess I'm the only person here brave enough to do it!"
"Oh, no," Hugo said. "I'm brave enough, too, and so are Colette and Kevin."
"Freaks who are brave?" the hook-handed man sneered. "Don't be ridiculous!"
"We are brave," Hugo insisted. "Count Olaf, let us prove it to you, and then you can employ us!"
"Employ you?" Count Olaf asked with a frown.
"What a wonderful idea!" Esmé exclaimed, as if the idea had not been hers.
"Yes," Colette said. "We'd like to find something else to do, and this seems like a wonderful opportunity."
Kevin stepped forward and held out both his hands. "I know I'm a freak," he said to Olaf, "but I think I could be just as useful as the hook-handed man, or your bald associate."
"What?" the bald man snapped. "A freak like you, as useful as me? Don't be ridiculous!"
"I can be useful," Kevin insisted. "You just watch."
"Stop all this bickering!" the pimpled man said crankily. "I didn't visit this carnival to hear people argue about their work problems."
"You're distracting me and my other head," Violet said in her low, disguised voice. "Let's get off this plank and we can all discuss this matter calmly."
"I don't want to discuss things calmly!" cried the woman with dyed hair. "I can do that at home!"
"Yes!" agreed the reporter from The Daily Punctilio. "'PEOPLE DISCUSS THINGS CALMLY' is a boring headline! Somebody throw somebody else into the lion pit, and we'll all get what we want!"
"Madame Lulu will do it, please!" Madame Lulu announced in a booming voice, and grabbed Violet and Klaus by the shirt. The Baudelaires looked up at her and saw a tear appear in one of her eyes, and she leaned down to speak to them. "I'm sorry, Baudelaires," she murmured quietly, without a trace of accent, and reached down to Violet's hand and took the fan belt away from her.
Sunny was so upset that she forgot to growl. "Trenceth!" she shrieked, which meant something along the lines of, "You ought to be ashamed of yourself!" but if the fake fortune-teller was ashamed of herself she did not behave accordingly.
"Madame Lulu always says you must always give people what they want," she said grandly in her disguised voice. "She will do the throwing, please, and she will do it now!"
"Don't be ridiculous," Hugo said, stepping forward eagerly. "I'll do it!"
"You're the one being ridiculous!" Colette said, contorting her body toward Lulu. "I'll do it!"
"No, I'll do it!" Kevin cried. "With both hands!"
"I'll do it!" the bald man cried, blocking Kevin's way. "I don't want a freak like you for a coworker!"
"I'll do it!" cried the hook-handed man.
"I'll do it!" cried one of the white-faced women.
"I'll do it!" cried the other one.
"I'll get someone else to do it!" cried Esmé Squalor.
