I almost chased Charlie and then I stopped myself. He was like a dummy for Buchanan, raised to be part of a legacy he barely cared about, out of duty. The true enemy had always been his father.
So I thrashed after Buchanan.
I turned the corner out of the sitting room and nearly slid on the rug, as the house opened up to me. Buchanan ducked around the corner and returned with a shotgun. I took cover as he fired, his bullet shattering a mirror behind me.
A ringing in my ears, like a church bell dinging.
I ran back into Buchanan’s study, almost falling over, and knelt to Jay’s side again. He was bleeding but still awake. “I’m sorry,” I whined, cradling his face in my hands.
“You didn’t do anything,” he sputtered. “But you have to go—fast. Before the cops come.”
“You have to come too.”
“I’m dying, Nick.”
I lost. It was over.
Pa was dead.
Jay was dying. And I was crying, once again, as life turned its darkness on me.
What would I do now? Who would I depend on? Buchanan could take me out. I was vulnerable, an open target, but he didn’t come. He abandoned the fight.
The house fell silent. I had this feeling that someone else was still inside, but they were hiding now. They were probably waiting for backup.
I stood up and picked up the phone to dial the telephone operator. I told them I needed an ambulance. They said someone would be on the way.
Eons went by and I sat stranded on my knees with my lover in my arms. There was so much to say, but I couldn’t say anything at all, so I just rocked with him. I’d spend as long as I could with him, at the very least. I wouldn’t let him have his final moments alone.
“Change your name,” Jay whispered.
“To what, Jay?”
“Nick Gatsby,” he said, laughing.
And then he laughed his way to sleep.
And I closed my eyes with him and rested on his chest, until the men came through the room, screaming, “Freeze!” They ripped me away from his body.
25.
Dear Jay,
There is no reason why I should have to lose everyone close to me. I’m going to pretend it didn’t happen, just for now.
Yours,
Nick
Dear Jay,
They’re feeding me garbage. I’d kill for some fresh fruit. We don’t always get what we want though and that’s the challenge—putting one foot in front of the other even when there’s no one else to walk alongside you.
I used to think I was too smart for jail, but jail is, in fact, a great place to do some reading and figure out who you are. I’ve decided here that I have no specific idea in mind for how I want to be seen in society. I don’t believe that being seen is the point for me. That feels too outward, with so little light to shed on the soul. I only wantwhat makes my soul feel good, moment to moment. You spoke to that want, in our private moments, and that’s why I feel so broken without you.
Jail is not bad, but it would be a lot better if you were here. I want to make another friend like you, but the people here are very gruff. It’s dawned on me you’re not coming back, but it must dawn on me again and again and again before I can stop writing to you.
I regret convincing you to get involved and I hope you will forgive me. I see your shadow dancing across the wall, getting yanked off the sidewalk by Zihan. How clumsy! And yet, they called me Clumsy? You were always Clumsy Jay! That’s why we fit so well together!
