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The conversation was light and happy. I didn’t see any difference between them and the many dignitaries who’d sat at this very table over the years. I watched the easy play between her parents. Something I’d missed with my own parents. Dinners with them were usually quiet and stilted.
I played with her fingers under the table like a lovesick schoolboy, until she trailed her hand up my thigh. I gave her a look, not wanting to bring her parents’ attention to what we were doing and she smiled at me with a mischievous gleam in her eye. I raised my brow at her and mouthed the word ‘behave’ which made her laugh out loud.
“Can I go see Bridget now?” She was like a little kid asking for a treat.
“Sure, I’ll come with you. Would you two like to come with us?” Dinner had been over for a good twenty minutes and we’d just been sitting there talking the four of us, like we’d done it a hundred times before.
Her parents declined the offer and said they would see us in the morning. They were ready to go back to their cottage for the night. They didn’t seem to mind that she was staying behind with me even though I had all intentions of taking her home later. I knew if she stayed I would break my word to myself.
I took her hand and led her from the room and we made our way all the way to the other side of the house. The place was big enough that I could’ve invited her parents to move in with us, but I knew a man like Thomas would never go for that, so I wouldn’t even offer.
Over dinner it had been obvious that the three of them were waiting for the other shoe to drop even as we laughed and talked. It was plain to see the my mother’s influence and reputation had not been exaggerated in my mind. I guess only time will put their fears to rest. And to think they didn’t even know the half of it.
She was tense as she walked beside me and her hand still held a slight tremble. I’d seen her sneaking around these hallways more times than I can count, and she seemed more hesitant now that it was going to be her home than she did then.
“Why are you so afraid baby? Don’t you trust me to take care of you?” She had every right I guess. I’d been an ass this last year, denying my feelings and hers. Letting my mother run my life, even bringing another woman here in her face.
I’d been so stupid, I’d allowed the bands of duty and honor to some outdated ideal rule my life and actions. My lack of interest had a lot to do with it I know, but once I realized my feelings for her were more than just a passing fancy, I should’ve acted. Instead, I’d gone along with the same old same old, and my mother had tried to destroy her. That too was on me.
She probably saw all that as weak, she had no idea of what I’d been trying to spare her. Maybe I’d gone about it all the wrong way, and it was I who hadn’t trusted her to be strong enough to deal with whatever came our way.
But that specter of a young girl taking her life had never truly left me. It was the perfect lesson to keep someone like me on the ‘right’ path. The thought of my little angle suffering at the hands of anyone while I wasn’t there to protect her was enough to make me want to commit murder.
If anyone did to her the things that had been done to that poor girl, I wouldn’t stop until I’d destroyed them completely. So in my mind, it was better to leave well enough alone, even if it meant denying myself the joy and love I saw reflected in her eyes towards me.
I didn’t fool myself that everything was going to be smooth sailing from here on out. I know my mother and her reach. I know that I’ll have to be on full alert until she was settled in here. Until I was sure she could hold her own I won’t rest easy.
I might’ve warned off the others, but there was always someone willing for the right price to do my mother’s bidding. My biggest fear still was for those times that I might have to leave her. I guess it would be a long time before I got over that. I’d do my best before that day to arm her as best I could.
By marrying her I was in essence raising her above the station of all my peers. Something I am sure would stick in the craw of many. Had I gone ahead with the farce of a marriage to Helen, things would’ve continued as usual.
