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“I can’t be with you,” I say, the realization hitting me so hard my knees almost buckle. “I can’t be with you if I owe you money.”
“Avery,” Chase says and he advances on me, stomping all over the dollar bills on the floor.
“No!” I scream out, partly because he’s coming for me and partly because he’s trampling the money on the floor. “Take your money and get out.”
Chase stops suddenly, completely stunned. His face is so full of hurt my eyes blur again with tears. Isn’t this one of the things I’ve been afraid he could do to me? “You’re kicking me out?”
I nod my head, “Yes.” I’m kicking him out because if I don’t he’s bound to touch me, and if he touches me, I just know how I’ll react. When he touches me it makes me weak.
“Avery, think about this,” Chase pleads with me and I squeeze my eyes shut, angrily willing the tears away. My eyes snap open as I sense him walking towards me once more.
I scream at him to, “Stop! Just stop. Stay away from me.”
“Avery,” Chase breathes as if something inside him is breaking.
I know I’m too angry. I know I’m too worked up about this. I’m blaming things on Chase that’s Ethan has done. I’m unloading on him all the baggage I’ve been carrying around and it’s not fair.
I take a deep breath, filling my lungs with air as I try to clear my head. I exhale it slowly between my teeth.
“Fuck,” Chase curses and shakes his head in disbelief.
“I need some time,” I explain to him, my voice cracking. “I just need some space to think.”
Chase rakes his fingers through his hair. “You don’t owe me.”
“Just go, Chase, please,” I say, and start to turn away. I don’t want to hear anymore. I’m quite convinced that right now there’s nothing he can say to placate me. I just need to cool down and I can’t do that if he’s trying to reason with me.
I don’t see it but I definitely hear Chase stomping back to the front the door. It sounds as if the very foundations of the building are shaking.
I sense him stop and I tense, afraid he’s going to ignore what I want. It’s no
t like I can physically make him leave.
“You gave yourself to me,” he says, suddenly reminding me. “You’re mine and I have every right to take care of you. I didn’t force you to give yourself to me, I asked.”
I spin back around to face him with my eyes wide but I can’t speak because I can’t breathe. I did give myself to him, how did I forget that? I can’t even explain it…
He yanks open the front door while staring back at me. “And because I’m not Ethan and I fucking love you, I’ll give you all the time and space that you need.”
He closes the door behind him and it’s not even a slam, like I would have done, he does it softly, carefully.
He loves me. He fucking loves me. The rest of the anger drains out of me and I sink to the floor, sagging to my knees. I’m so shocked, so completely blown away by everything that just happened, I just let him walk away.
Once he’s gone, once I hear his car roaring to life and his tires squealing out of the parking lot, I can’t help but start crying. I’m crying because I’m stupid. I’m so, so fucking stupid. What have I done? How did I let all this money shit make me so ugly? I got so swept up in the thought that somehow he was trying to control me, trying to manipulate me, I didn’t even really think.
I just kicked out the best thing to ever happen to me.
Chase
I know I'm not thinking clearly as I swing around a bend in the road close to my house and hear the tires squealing out as I push the peddle down hard. I blow past the street my house is on and continue to drive out of the city.
I keep my eyes on the road with one hand on the wheel and one hand on my cell phone. I keep hoping to feel my phone buzz because my music is so damn loud I can't hear the outside world. I need the noise, I need the loud because all these rambling, crazy fucking thoughts in my head just won't stop. I keep seeing those green eyes of hers tearing up and it's ripping me apart. I feel like some little bitch. I have never allowed myself to get this deep with a girl before.
I have seen my father and what happens when you allow someone to get that close. I have never felt like this, and what is so damn fucked up is that it hasn't even been some two year long relationship that has me all fucked up, it's only been a few weeks. I am completely fucking screwed. I didn’t lie to her when I said I love you. I was telling her the God’s honest truth.
That thought has me shaking my head. It’s completely true and I realize it’s really fucking sad. I have a year until I hit the big three-o, and I've said I love you to one person: My dad. Well, two if I count telling Avery in anger before I blew out of her apartment.
I'm not sure why I came here, I didn’t consciously choose it, but it's where I always come when I need someone to talk to. I pull up to my dad's house, and it's probably the best place I could end up. I need to get off the road before I get picked up for reckless driving. The last fucking thing I need right now is a stint in jail.
