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Mandy
Up until Brett showed up in his mom’s Volvo, I managed to hold it all in while I stood on the corner. I kept myself together. I kept myself from breaking into pieces. But as soon as he came for me, frowning with concern and looking ready to kick whoever’s or whatever’s ass that was making me upset, I just needed him. I needed to touch him, to be held by him. To feel safe and protected in his strong arms.
He let me cry, he let me soak his shirt with my tears. And I think it was there, at my lowest, darkest moment, that I realized I was in love with him. My world was falling down around me and he was the first person I reached out to. Grace and I had been best friends since preschool. We always ran to each other when we were in need of comfort and protection. But this time I didn’t even think to dial her.
I called Brett.
I called him not because I was already going to spend the weekend with him, I called him because out of all the people in the world he was the one I needed the most.
I tried to explain what was going on during the car ride to his house but the words were still too bitter, too painful. I think, no, I know I upset Brett when I told him how I really felt about myself, and his reaction only ended up upsetting me even more. So when he parked us inside his garage and pulled me into his arms, I tried to put it all out of my mind.
I buried my face against his neck and focused on him instead.
First, it was his smell. I closed my eyes and just breathed him in. Then I became aware of his warmth. The warmth from his arms wrapped so tightly around me, and the warmth from his chest. I was pressed so hard against him, I could feel the beat of his heart. I focused on the rhythm of his breathing and soon my own breathing synced with his.
I don’t know how long we sat like that, just holding on tightly to each other in the front seat of his mom’s car, but he pulled away first. He took my face in his big calloused hands and stared deeply into my eyes.
“Mandy, you are the most beautiful woman in the world.”
Immediately I wanted to roll my eyes, but he growled at me and his fingers squeezed gently.
“You are the most beautiful woman. And I don’t ever want to hear you talking bad about yourself like that again.”
I didn’t know what to say, I was speechless. I could tell he wasn’t telling me I was beautiful because he was trying to score points or something. Staring into his eyes, I could see he meant every word he said.
“Promise me you won’t talk about yourself like that again?” he asked expectantly.
And the intense way he was looking at me, I knew he would be very displeased if I didn’t give him what he wanted.
So I nodded my head. “Okay.” Even if I wasn’t quite ready to shed the identity of being a mistake just yet. It just wasn’t that easy, and he couldn’t intimidate or bully it out of me. But I was so numb at that point after all the crying, I was going along with it.
He pulled me close and proceeded to squeeze me to death. “Fuck. You’re so beautiful, so fucking gorgeous, I feel like the luckiest guy in the world that you’re with me.”
“Can’t. Breathe,” I wheezed.
His arms let up and he pushed me away. Grabbing me by the face again, he forced me to stare into his eyes again. “And you’re smart. And you’re sweet. And you’re funny. I look forward to talking to you every day. You’re the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing I think about before I fall asleep.”
And just when my bottom lip trembled and I felt like I just might burst into tears again, though it would be for a totally different reason, he grinned.
“And your legs are fucking amazing.”
That time I rolled my eyes and he growled playfully.
“And you’re so small and delicate…” he said dropping his hands to my shoulders and stroking them down my arms. The brush of his palms caused me to shiver and my skin to break out with goosebumps. “I feel like if I’m not careful with you I’ll break you.”
I shook my head immediately. “You won’t break me.”
“Beautiful, delicate, fairy girl,” he murmured as his hands stroked down to my hands then drifted towards my waist.
“You won’t break me,” I insisted, but he just grinned a very annoying, very knowing grin.
And maybe it was that grin… Or maybe I just had to prove that I was no delicate flower. I grabbed him by his face and forced him to look at me.
I looked him directly in his gleaming eyes and told him before I kissed him, “I’m going to break you.”
Brett tried to say something but I muffled it with my lips. I kissed him at the moment with everything I had. With all the strength and stubbornness inside me. He may have been physically stronger– I wasn’t delusional, I knew he could easily overpower me– but I was a girl used to getting her way.
And when it came to breaking him down and making him weak, I knew just what to do.
