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I have to support whatever she wants to do, but I don’t support this, not really. It’s not about the whole religious or moral aspect. I just wouldn’t mind having her and a baby in my life, for good. That would be amazing, and fucking scary as hell.
I have to admit nothing in my life has really scared me since facing the world alone without my parents and having just lost Mandy. Not even facing Chase and Max at the same time in a ring. But this? Fuck. Fuck. Scared as fuck but it would be soooo fucking amazing to have her back, and a baby? Shit, that would be like a fucking dream.
I sit outside of the pharmacy as Mandy goes in. I asked if I could come in with her but she just shook her head and said no. She didn’t even ask me what I would want to do.
Fuck, I know it’s her body but shit.
FUCK!
Mandy
Walking into the 24-hour pharmacy at two in the morning feels surreal. The automatic doors swish open and the florescent lights are too white, too bright for this time of night.
I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing. How did I even get here?
The place is dead. There’s one cashier working the front counter, and she’s too busy popping gum and filing her nails to even look up at me.
I walk aimlessly through the aisles. I know where I need to go but I dread actually getting there. Do I really want to do this? What are the odds that the first time Brett and I have sex together that the stupid condom breaks on us?
Is this some kind of fucked up cosmic joke? And me, I’m such a dumbass for not being on anything else. But fuck, I haven’t been in a serious relationship since him. I wasn’t planning on doing any of this. I only planned on having a fun night with Grace and the ring girls.
How did I even end up here?
I make a wrong turn and instead of ending up in the family planning aisle, I find myself slowing in the baby section.
I could be pregnant, I think as I look at a chubby little baby face plastered on a box of diapers. There could be a little baby being formed inside me at this very moment.
I’d need so much, the baby would need so much of me. I’d have to quit my job as a ring girl, there’s no way they’d want to keep me on. How would I afford the diapers? The baby clothes? A place to live? I’d have to keep waitressing at Thursdays and ask Brett to help with the rest.
What does Brett want? I was so panicked I didn’t even ask him.
I keep walking. I pass at least twenty different varieties of baby formula. There’s a very big chance that I’m not pregnant. I just finished my period a couple of days ago, and I know for some people it can be hard to get pregnant. But Grace conceived her very first time with Carson. And my mother got pregnant with me supposedly after only one time with my father. All it takes is once, just once. But if I want to, I have the option to fix this.
Fix this. Fix what’s happened as if it’s a mistake or an accident. Isn’t that what my mother always called me? Was I not an accident? Her biggest regret? A fucking mistake. What would she have done if she had this choice?
I know what she would have done, she would have ended me.
Can I do that? Can I really do that? I place my hand on my tummy and walk into the family planning aisle. My feet carry me past the condoms, past the pregnancy tests. I stop and pick up a box of the Plan B pill.
One pill, all it takes is one pill.
I might not be pregnant but if I am, there’s a good chance the pill will stop it. Funny, I was so scared, so freaked out, I couldn’t wait to get here. But now that I’m holding the box in my hand, I don’t want to do it.
What the fuck am I doing?
I didn’t plan on having a baby, but I always I vowed to myself when I did have children, they would always feel wanted. They won’t have to grow up feeling like a mistake like me. They may be unplanned, a surprise, but they will never be unwanted or unloved. I will love and protect my child with every fiber of being.
Grace is an amazing mother, and she once confessed to me that she wished Hope hadn’t come so soon, but she gives her life new meaning. Carson isn’t even in the picture but I know Grace would never resent her daughter. The love there, the pure, unconditional love between Grace and Hope has always made me a little envious. If I’m pregnant, though, I could have that love with my baby.
My baby. There could be a baby being created inside me. Part Brett, part me.
Or there could not be.
But if there is, it’s something, no, someone we created. And isn’t that a little bit amazing?
I put the box back on the shelf and feel a little sick that I even thought I could be so selfish.
Brett may not want to be a father, but I will give him that choice. I turn around and walk back down the aisle. Stopping, I pick up a couple of boxes of pregnancy tests.
