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For the moment, the world is silent. Uncomfortably silent.
Then his words buzz in my ears.
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No longer his daughter… disowned… ruin me…
If only I didn’t care. If only I could just walk away. But the weakest part of me has always needed his approval. Always craved his acceptance. Needed it to justify my existence.
Needed it to not feel so worthless.
The thought of meaning nothing again to the man that created me hurts me in a way I can’t even explain.
When I was little, I tried to convince myself it was his loss when he walked out of my life. That it wasn’t my fault because I didn’t do anything wrong. But deep inside, I’ve always wondered why I wasn’t good enough for his love.
The only reason I could ever come up for him abandoning me was that something must be wrong with me.
That unlike everyone else around me, I’m broken and flawed.
My own father didn’t want me.
My own father didn’t want me because I’m not good enough.
It wasn’t until he strolled back into my life with his tempting promises that I started to finally feel as if I was worthy. That I deserved to take a place in this world.
I soaked in all the affection and love he gave me and used it to build myself up.
If I cut him off, if I refuse to do what he demands and he abandons me, will I return to that feeling that I’ll never measure up?
Squeezing my hand into a fist, I dig my nails into my palm until I’m breaking skin and drawing blood. It’s not until the bite of pain hits me that I can finally breathe.
Breathe and think clearly.
I’m not going to figure this out standing in this office, hyperventilating. I need to get the fuck out of here before someone sees me.
Releasing my fist, I glance down at my bloody palm then wipe it against my shorts. If I’m quick, nobody will notice.
Nobody will notice me cracking and breaking.
Turning around and grabbing the door handle, I feel like I’m operating purely on automatic mode. My brain begins to focus on only the things I need to do.
I need to walk back to the front desk to grab my purse. I need to tell Chase I’m sick and I need to go home.
I need to get the fuck out of here.
Slipping my phone into my pocket and pulling the door open, it’s simply a matter of putting one foot in front of the other to walk down the hall. There’s no need to think. No need to agonize over the past twenty-four hours.
It’s nothing…
Hold it all in.
It all means nothing until I can deal with it in private.
I’ve got everything inside me completely locked down tight until I turn the corner and set eyes on Emmett heading for the men’s room.
Suddenly, as if just the sight of him has thrown my system into complete shock, my legs stop working and I’m glued to the floor.
Emmett glances at me then looks away as if he didn’t see me at first.
