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He opened his mouth but she shook her head, her voice now full of despair.
‘Do you know why I got together with him? Call me shallow, but it was because he said I was pretty. No one had ever called me that before. All my life I’ve known there’s something wrong with me, that I’m ugly...’
‘You are not ugly!’ Nico could not stomach another word. Stepping forward, he palmed her cheeks and forced her to look at him. ‘You are not ugly. And nor are you pretty. Rosa, you’re beautiful—inside and out.’
She swiped him away. ‘Then why don’t you want me any more? I’ve been thinking it over and over and I can’t think of any other reason. I put my trust in you. You said you wanted a proper marriage and I believed you. You’re not a liar, Nico, so you must have meant it. But the second you got me into bed and became intimate with me you no longer wanted me. So please, I beg you, tell me what is wrong with me?’
Nico dragged his hand down his face, breathing deeply to catch hold of himself.
The pain in her eyes was almost more than he could bear to witness. All his worst fears were crashing down on him and it was so much worse than he could have imagined. ‘You are one of the best people I have ever known,’ he said, trying to process his thoughts into some semblance of order. ‘You deserve someone who will love and cherish you, and I wish to God that someone could be me.’
‘But it can’t be you, can it? Two nights was enough for you to realise there is something rotten about me...’
‘No!’ For the first time in his life he pulled a woman into his arms for the sole purpose of providing comfort. Wrapping his arms tightly around her so she couldn’t wriggle free, he buried his face in her soaking hair and breathed her in. He felt her glasses dislodged against his chest and something inside him cracked.
‘Listen to me,’ he said, speaking into her hair. ‘I did want a proper marriage, but my definition of that was for us to continue exactly as we were with sex thrown into the mix. I thought that was what you wanted too. I didn’t realise how badly you needed something more. I wish I could be the one to give it to you but I’m not made that way.’
She tried to twist out of his hold but he kept her pressed against him. He could feel the warmth of her breath against his chest and dug his fingers into her scalp.
‘Please, Rosa, just listen. You know I am not one for opening up. This is hard for me.’
But he had to try. He could never live with himself if she were to continue believing there was something inherently wrong with her that drove people away.
Lord, what had he done?
His selfish pride and monstrous ego had set off a chain of events he could never have predicted even with the benefit of a crystal ball. Rosa was the last person in the world he would ever want to hurt.
Only when she stilled did Nico resume his thread, uncaring of the rain lashing down on them both. ‘You know I grew up without there being any women in my life?’
She nodded jerkily, her hair tickling his face.
‘I didn’t have my first girlfriend until I was twenty-one. We were together for six months and it is the only proper relationship I have had.’
Somehow her stiff form became even more rigid.
‘Galina was the first woman I slept with. Until that point everything I knew about women and relationships came from books. I wanted what the books promised, but I soon learned I am not cut out for relationships. I am incapable of giving a woman what she needs. Galina wanted so much from me and I could not give it to her. I couldn’t even spend a night sharing the same bed with her. She was convinced she could change me—I wanted her to change me—but it was futile. The more she tried, the more I withdrew. Eventually she’d had enough and walked away, but not before telling me I had something missing.’
Rosa sucked in a breath.
‘She was right,’ he said. He closed his eyes and inhaled her scent, filling his lungs with her sweetness. ‘Galina gave six months of her life to a man who could not reciprocate her love. I wanted to reciprocate but I had never been shown how—and it was too late for me to learn. Non-sexual intimacy leaves me cold. That’s why I have always gone with high-maintenance women since. They’re so wrapped up in themselves they have nothing to give to anyone else.’
When he’d finished talking he took a deep breath. It was the longest speech he had ever made.
‘So why not marry one of them?’ she asked.
Slowly she withdrew her arms from around his waist and looked up at him, her eyes scrutinising his face for answers.
‘Because I had no wish to tie myself to a woman whose idea of conversation was discussing the latest innovation in self-tanning.’ His lips curved a touch. ‘I married you because you are clever and independent and because you are incredibly beautiful.’ The slight smile dropped. ‘I also married you because I assumed your aversion to emotional entanglements meant you were the same as me. But you are not the same as me. You need someone who can love you and reciprocate the enormous amount of love you have inside you. You need someone who can support you and be a shoulder to lean on. I can’t be that man—I’m not equipped for it. I am too selfish and controlling and you will be better off without me.’
