Page 61 of The Rings that Bind


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Now he and Rosa had to find that level of emotional honesty. As Rosa knew to her cost, the spoken word could cause irreparable damage. But, as he had come to realise over recent times, the unspoken word could cause just as much harm.

He drained his coffee and turned to face her. Unable to resist, he palmed her cheek, taking comfort from its softness. ‘When you told me you’d slept with Stephen I felt sucker-punched.’

Her warm caramel eyes widened a fraction.

‘Forget all the excuses I’ve made to you and myself. The truth is I’ve used Galina as an excuse to avoid proper relationships because I tasted failure and I did not like it. Until then I had never failed at anything I set my mind to. I assumed my coldness was a result of my childhood, and I accepted that and used it as weapon to prevent myself from tasting failure again. Looking back, I can see it never occurred to me my ambivalence towards Galina was because I was not in love with her.’

Rosa’s forehead wrinkled in that adorable manner it always did when she tried to comprehend something.

‘I spent months denying I felt any attraction for you. Your refusal to work for me permanently was, I admit, a blow to my ego, but with hindsight I can see it was more than that. I knew I had no proprietary rights over you, but I have never felt such anger and such pain as I did in those minutes when I thought you were leaving me for Stephen.’

‘But—’

‘Please, let me finish,’ he said, brushing her lips with his thumb. ‘We had agreed to what should be every red-blooded man’s dream—an open marriage. It didn’t even occur to me until you told me you wanted to leave that I’d never made use of that freedom.’

If her eyes widened any further he feared they might pop out.

‘What? Never?’

He shook his head solemnly. ‘Never. There were opportunities, but I never felt the slightest urge to act on them. Since we married you have been the only woman in my head. There is no room for anyone else. I can fight it all I want—and, believe me, I have been fighting it hard—but it doesn’t change the facts. Somewhere over the past year you have crept under my skin and into my heart.’

It twisted that heart to watch her blink rapidly, trying her best to hold back the tears brimming in her eyes.

‘Why are you telling me all this?’ she asked, her chin wobbling.

‘Because I love you. And I want you to come home. Not because of work, not because I want to make love to you every hour of the day—which I do—but because living without you is torture.’ As the words rolled off his tongue a huge weight shifted in its vice-like hold on his chest.

A solitary tear rolled down her cheek. She wiped it away in a furious motion. ‘You are a complete and utter bastard.’

‘Yes.’ He could not deny it.

‘And a coward.’

‘Yes.’

‘You really hurt me.’

‘I know.’ Imagining what he had put her through cut him like ribbons. ‘I swear I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you. If you will let me.’

He swallowed, waiting for her to speak.

He had known laying his heart on the line was a risk. He had known it could end in failure. But not trying was no longer an option. He needed Rosa. Without her by his side it had become impossible to function properly.

Time stretched beyond all measure. The only sound was their quickening breaths.

‘I called him by your name,’ she blurted out, her neck suffused with colour.

He stilled. ‘Sorry?’

‘It was horrible. I should never have gone back to his flat. I should never have...’ Her voice tailed off and she swallowed. When she spoke again her voice was a whisper. ‘We never finished what we started. I only endured what we did do by closing my eyes and pretending he was you. And then I called him by your name. And he got understandably angry and threw me out.’

Shock paralysed him. For long moments his brain struggled to understand what she had said. ‘He threw you out? On the street? In London? In the middle of the night?’

She nodded and wiped away another tear with a scowl. ‘I can’t blame him. He assumed I was going back to him. When he realised I was in love with you...’

His pulse accelerated. ‘You love me?’

‘Of course I love you,’ she whispered, her face white and pinched. ‘I think I’ve been in love with you since we married.’

Now it was his brain struggling to comprehend. ‘So why ask for a divorce?’

‘Because I knew staying with you would destroy me. I knew I was nothing but a convenience. Going with Stephen that night, as horrible as it was, made me realise how much I felt for you. Every time you went abroad the loneliness became unbearable.’ She shook her head wistfully. ‘You had become so...ambivalent towards me. Thinking you felt nothing for me, imagining all the women you were sharing your bed with and thinking you would never look at me with the need I felt for you...’ Her eyes closed. ‘I couldn’t bear it.’

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