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Perhaps if there hadn’t been so many people around, if the taunting wasn’t so public, Clay would have been able to leave the challenge unmet. But with all the avid eyes and ears here, there was no doubt that this would spread like wildfire across the campus; he had to accept.
“No problem, bro,” he said, faux swagger front and center. “I’ll take you right here.”
Bo took a giant step from me and held out his arms. “Come at me then, bro.” Clay launched himself at Bo, but even though they were about the same height, he didn’t have the experience fighting that Bo did.
Bo didn’t step to the side. No, he leaned forward and as Clay was bringing up his right arm to swing at Bo, Bo blocked it with his left, brought his right fist up and rocked it into Clay’s face. Bo followed up the crack to the cheek with an uppercut left under the jaw and one more right punch.
Clay’s head snapped back and he stumbled, trying to grab for something to hold him up, but the crowd, even Rebecca, stepped back. His cheek looked like it had caved in, and he fell to the floor. The music had stopped and the sound of Rebecca’s screams were about the only thing I could hear.
I took one look at the scene and ran out of the room.
Chapter Twenty-One
AM
BO FOLLOWED ME BACK TO the apartment, but I didn’t stop. He kept saying I shouldn’t run, that it made me look weak.
“I’m not weak. I don’t need to be saved from anything,” I yelled at him.
“You aren’t standing up for yourself,” he yelled back.
“I’m still here, aren’t I?”
“What did you call me, the campus vampire? You’re the campus ghost. That’s not standing up for yourself. That’s hiding.”
“Just because I’m not in everyone’s face, punching their lights out whenever they piss me off, doesn’t mean I’m not standing up for myself.”
“You’re running away.”
“I am not!” I screamed.
“I know all about running away. I’ve been doing it for years.” Bo’s suddenly quiet tone broke through my madness and my anger. “Why don’t you just fucking transfer, AM? I’ll go with you. I hate this fucking place anyway.”
My anger gave way to frustration, and the tears I’d battled all night spilled out. “I didn’t do anything wrong. Even if I’d slept with the entire lacrosse team, I still deserve to go here without a bunch of assholes calling me names.”
“You live in an utopia. This is the real world!” We were back to screaming at each other, the tension of the night overwhelming me so much I couldn’t control my tears, my hurt. I couldn’t keep it in one minute longer.
“Running away doesn’t solve anything,” I yelled.
“You’re so wrong. It does. Sunshine, let me take you away from here.” He’d switched from shouting to cajoling, but I wasn’t having any of it.
“I don’t want to go anywhere.” I wasn’t just hurt or humiliated. I was damn angry. I was angry at myself for being so stupid in the first place, for allowing the rumors to fester. I’d been wrong to stay off campus and let the lacrosse team control my image. I was angry at the other students for not standing up for me. And I was angry at Bo for not understanding all of these things.
Bo let out a bellow and turned and smashed his fist into the plaster right by the front hall closet. The sudden shift from calm to violent action shocked me. For a moment there was no sound but our heavy breathing. He looked at me, and then his hand, as if he couldn’t believe what he’d done. When he slowly pulled his hand from the wall, plaster pieces fell to the floor, creating a tiny plume of dust. White chalk or dust coated his fingers and when he uncoiled his fist more detritus fell to the ground and onto our jewelry and makeup.
His gaze swung from his fist to my face, and his expression made me catch my breath. My palm went to my throat as my anger was subsumed by the pain and horror in his own face. I reached out my other hand but Bo whirled and left before another word could be said, the door swinging open behind him.
I hesitated a moment too long and by the time I’d reached the door he was gone. Sasha’s door was open and she and Ellie stood in the doorway with Brian hovering behind them.
Brian spoke first. “Dude, that was some argument.”
“What happened there?” I asked, knowing they couldn’t give me an answer. They tumbled into my apartment and took in the mess.
“He didn’t hit you, did he?” Ellie asked anxiously.
I shook my head. “No, he’d never hit me.”
“That’s some hole,” Brian said, poking a finger at the edges and making more plaster tumble to the floor.
“You’re only making it worse.” Sasha grabbed his hand and pushed him away.
I went into the kitchen to grab a broom and proceeded to clean up the dust and drywall on the floor. “Guess we’ll have to fix this before the landlord sees it.” I sighed.
Ellie brought over the wastebasket. “I’ve always wanted to see the inside of a home improvement store. Maybe hook up with a handyman.”
“What about you and Ryan?” I dumped the stuff in the wastebasket and brushed my hands on my jeans. I realized I hadn’t even taken off my coat yet.
“He should’ve stood up for you,” Ellie snarled.
“Was he even there?” I asked. At the end of the confrontation, the faces of the other students had just been a blur.
I walked over to the sofa on unsteady legs and threw myself into the soft cushions. “Maybe Bo’s right. I’ve been a fool to hide my head in the sand. I left the field totally open for Clay and his crew to say whatever they wanted about me. If I had fought back instead of hiding out here, adopting the pretense that I could ignore everything that was going on around me, maybe it’d be different.”
“So now what?” Sasha asked. She handed me a glass of orange juice I hoped was liberally laced with vodka. I took a sip and shuddered as the alcohol hit my tongue. Inside, I saw a few gummy bears.
“What are these?”
“My emergency stash of frozen gummy bears soaked in vodka.”
“Really?” I rolled one in my mouth and nearly broke my tooth trying to chew it.
“Yup, I only break them out in dire times.”
“Hey, when I was dogged by Tim a thousand times last semester, I should have gotten one of those,” Ellie exclaimed.
Sasha rolled her eyes. “Not every dating disaster warrants frozen vodka-soaked gummy bears, or else they wouldn’t be special.”
“Are you saying we have too many dating disasters?” I joked lamely.
“Besides, I have to get these giant gummy bears from a special candy store at home, and they aren’t cheap.” Sasha ignored my comment but she did ask me, “Are they making you feel any better?”
“Not sure if it’s the gummy bears or the vodka, but I am feeling better.” I smiled at her.
“How are you still able to generate a smile? If it was me, I’d be in a fetal ball in the corner, sobbing.” This came from Brian.
“What? Didn’t you see the ugly crying and shouting I did in front of Bo?” The tears had washed away my anger and shame and left only regret behind. I regretted making my friends have to stand up for me. I regretted allowing Clay to have so much control over my life. I had told myself I was being so strong, but I hadn’t ever stuck my neck out. I had made so many mistakes, and letting Bo storm out was only one of them. I sighed and took another sip.
“Who says that shit to someone else’s face, though?” Ellie asked, disgust evident in her voice.
“People say stuff like that to other people. Why is it so shocking when it’s said to the target directly?” I argued. I didn’t know why I was defending these people. The things that were said were vile and hurtful, and maybe I was in shock, but the surreal nature of the whole situation was getting to me. “I guess because I’d envisioned something like this happening…when it did it was almost déjà vu. I’d already lived it, and I kind of felt like all these people and their assumptions and their time spent making up stories about me must mean either I’m super interesting or they’re super boring.” I’d remember these things tomorrow and the next day and weeks from now and I’d feel awash with mortification, but for tonight I just wanted to pretend it would be okay. Fake it until I could make it so. The thing that was making me sick in my belly, though, was my mother. I got up and went into my bedroom and pulled out the notes that Clay had sent me.
“I’m worried about my mom, Ellie.” My voice cracked a little as I handed the pieces of paper to her. Five in all.
“What the hell are these?” she asked, reading them and then passing them over to Sasha and Brian.
“Part of the reason I stayed away from campus was because of these,” I confessed.
“How long have you been getting these?” Ellie demanded.
At Sasha and Brian’s questioning looks, I explained, “Clay’s dad knows Roger. I’m afraid that if Roger knew about the rumors he wouldn’t support my mom.”
Sasha carried the bottle of vodka over. “We’re going to need a lot of liquor to carry us through this shit.”
“I got one every time I returned from break, whether it was summer, fall, or Christmas, one of these would be on my windshield.”
“He was fucking terrorizing you. These are an Honor Code violation.” Ellie was enraged and shook the pieces of paper at me.
“Maybe they were, but what was the point? It wasn’t like I wanted to go back onto campus, hook up with the Central social scene. Do you think I liked what went on tonight?” I cried.
This sobered everyone up and Ellie said, “No, sorry, but why wouldn’t you share this with me?”
“Because it was too damn embarrassing. I am still so embarrassed,” I whimpered. Ellie drew me into her embrace, her tiny body trying to suck out the pain from mine. I felt the stroke of Sasha’s hand on my back and a warm cheek on the top of my head. Within the cocoon of love made by my friends, I allowed myself to release a little of the shame I’d carried for so long. I hadn’t even realized that I’d felt like I’d deserved it. Oh, I’d said all the right things, telling myself and Ellie and anyone else that it didn’t matter what anyone said about me. But deep down, guilt ate away at me. Guilt for drinking too much. Guilt for giving away my virginity like it was nothing more than a kiss. Guilt at allowing myself to be victimized. So much guilt that I avoided Central because the whole campus and all of its students had become the witnesses to my shame.
“You don’t have any reason to be ashamed,” Ellie whispered into my hair.
“I know that in my head, but it’s hard to convince my heart,” I confessed.
“AM, you are the strongest, most amazing chick I know,” Sasha said, adding, “I’d have folded like a house of cards.”
“I’m like my father, you know?” I said.
“My God, you’re not,” Ellie protested.
“I am. Roger hates conflict. He’d rather go on conducting a double life than face making a decision and dealing with the fallout. And I’m the shameful product of his own failings.” I realized then how deep my hurt ran. I’d pretended that I didn’t care what Roger thought of me and that the love of my wonderful mother was enough. But the two of them had taught me that hiding and secrecy was a normal way of life.
I just didn’t want to live like that anymore. I wasn’t sure why Bo ran away from me, but he was right. I needed to stand up for myself.
I sat up and wiped my eyes with the heels of my hands. Taking a deep breath and giving my friends a watery smile, I said, “I’m not going to play ostrich or victim anymore. I’m going to go on campus and, eventually, they’ll all be tired of talking about me and move on. When I made myself scarce, it became too enticing for them to make up stories. When they see me doing normal things, like studying in the library or eating in the cafeteria, it won’t be such a production. I mean, how much longer can that story be of interest?”
“We’re totally with you,” Sasha said. Brian nodded his own affirmation, and Ellie wrapped her arm around my shoulders.
“With you.”
All these months, I’d felt alone, but that was a misery of my own making. I had wonderful friends and, if I could fix it, a pretty amazing boyfriend.
Chapter Twenty-Two
BO
I COULDN’T CATCH MY BREATH. I ran like a five-year-old at his first Halloween, scared at the sight of a Scream mask. The look of shock in AM’s face was the only thing I could see whether my eyes were open or closed. I’d made her scared. After being so careful, I’d hit something in front of AM. I hadn’t hit her, but was this how it started with my dad?
The fear that had haunted me my whole life. The demon that chased me from Texas to Afghanistan. The very reason I hated thinking instead of doing was threatening to rise up and swallow me.
