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“You can’t stop it because I don’t want to live without him.”
“That’s bullshit. He wants to fucking kill you.”
“That girl you used to love, the one you said you’d do anything to be out on the streets every night just to be able to check on her . . . what if she was your undoing, Beck? What if you knew she was going to be? Would you still be there every night to check on her until that time came?”
Beck studied me, and I knew he wanted to say no for the sake of the true argument here.
When he didn’t respond, I nodded, because it was answer enough.
It also made me think maybe Beck was still more in love with her than he let himself believe.
“It’s not so different,” I whispered. “I just want time with him, and what kills me is that I have so little of it. We’re so close to the moment when he finds out, I can feel it in every second that passes. It’s like there’s an ache I can’t explain, growing inside me because my soul knows what’s coming.”
“Have you thought about what this is going to do to Kieran?” he asked after a minute had passed.
“For nearly two years,” I said with a pained huff.
Beck sighed, then stared straight ahead, not bothering to start driving again.
For the longest time, we didn’t speak. There was nothing more I could offer him, I’d already told him everything.
“Kieran and Mickey are supposed to be back in time for the meeting tomorrow,” he mumbled, turning his head to notice me nodding. “What happens when I take you back to Holloway?”
“You tell me.” I lifted a shoulder in a weak shrug. “Am I going to be handcuffed to Conor?”
“I can’t tell him what happened. I mean, what happens when I sneak you back into the guesthouse, and then go back to work? Do you sneak right back out to meet him because you know Kieran and I won’t be back tonight?”
Guilt swam in my stomach, but I decided to be honest with him. “Yeah.”
With his jaw clenched, he gave a firm nod then reached for his seatbelt. I’d barely grabbed mine when he flipped the car around to go back the way we’d come. “I know I can’t stop you without risking you telling my brother what you know, but I can stop you from walking all over this town.”
“Conor doesn’t know you’re—”
“Keep him out of it,” he snarled. “I’ve been trying to keep him as far away from the bad shit on Holloway as possible.”
“Okay,” I whispered, and pressed my hands to my weak stomach.
The excitement of seeing Dare mixed with the guilt of what I was doing, and what I was now pulling Beck into. But Beck? He understood love. And I hoped he would eventually forgive my choices.
“I’m picking you up on my way home from the streets. If you’re not in my car by four, I’m storming into that house and dragging you out. If Kieran finds out—”
“He won’t know about you,” I said on a rush. “I promise he won’t know.”
Beck looked over at me, pain etched on his face. “Lil, we’ve been working together . . . but something’s about to give. Be careful, and for fuck’s sake, figure out a way to say goodbye to him for the last time. They broke in and tore apart the house, looking for you.”
“I know.”
“No, you don’t,” he said roughly. “We didn’t mention to them about the destruction in the house. We didn’t mention the break-in. But Kieran picked up elevated anger from Johnny, and I could see it in the way Dare was looking at me. You were told why Dare wanted you dead, but do you not get that we’ve been working together for years, and Dare’s just realized that we’ve been lying to him about you this whole time?”
No. I hadn’t picked up on that.
“Dare’s taking his time. He wants us to know he’s coming. And he’s doing it to get back at all of us. There’s more that you don’t know, but Kieran has to be the one to tell you.”
I looked at him warily then sank deeper into the seat.
So many li
es, so much withheld. And still I knew I wouldn’t have done any of this differently.
