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I studied his cold, unapologetic expression as he watched me from across the room. My anger and resentment built as he continued to stand there without a hint of remorse. Without a hint of regret for pushing us further apart with each passing day.
Then again, he couldn’t regret what he didn’t know . . . what he didn’t understand.
It didn’t matter that our relationship had been straining—cracking—under the knowledge of his deceit when he’d left just days before . . . Kieran didn’t linger on arguments or tears once they ended.
He loved me. Fiercely. But he couldn’t see what was emotionally broken because he wasn’t wired that way—because he was too focused on keeping me physically safe.
I laughed, but it sounded pained. “I don’t know why I’m surprised,” I whispered as I stepped to the side, nearly crumbling from the weight of my agonizing pain and grief. “Why wouldn’t you keep him alive? You’ve had years worth of chances to get us out of here, and you’ve chosen Mickey every time.”
I caught sight of Kieran’s hardened façade falling just before I turned for the bathroom, but I hadn’t made it past the bed before his strong hands grasped my arms to haul me back into his embrace.
“Chosen Mickey?” Kieran asked roughly, his lips brushing my ear. “I’d choose a grave before I ever chose him over you.”
“And yet, he’s who you answer to,” I said through my tightened throat, my words soft and laced with pain. “He’s why you do what you do. He’s why we’re here.”
“Lily . . .” My name was agony as it climbed up his throat. A strangled noise followed before he dropped his forehead to my shoulder and tightened his grip on my arms. “Why can’t you see?” he asked, the words nearly too low to hear.
“Why can’t you?” I choked out as the tears slipped free. Once again, I tried to turn in his arms but was unable to move.
A lifetime of knowing Kieran. A lifetime of loving him. And throughout all those years, there had been one thing he’d always refused to give me—refused to tell me. One thing I still silently begged for.
For him to hold me while looking into my eyes.
“See me,” I begged. “See what you’re doing.”
“I’m protecting you. Ev—”
“You’re breaking my heart,” I cried. “You’re destroying us.”
“Lily,” he said on a harsh breath. His hands loosened but didn’t release me. We stood like that in silence for long moments until he whispered, “Everything I have ever done has been for you. Everything.”
I didn’t hear him leave. I only felt the emptiness of the house once he was gone.
I usually went to sleep alone, and stayed that way unless Kieran was able to come home. But he’d never walked away from me for any reason other than work, so I’d spent the night pacing the room, waiting for him.
He hadn’t come back.
It’d made for a long night and was the reason I was in the kitchen waiting for water to boil for coffee when Beck got home at four.
Beck’s and Conor’s laughs were unmistakable, and caused a smile to tug at my mouth, despite my frustrations with Beck. But the third laugh that joined in a second later made me pause.
Rough and low, foreign—almost as though he didn’t laugh often and wasn’t sure how. But that sound was my childhood. That sound was everything before Aric’s death. That sound was something I had fallen in love with.
I found myself walking closer to the front door, trying to keep my steps as silent as Kieran’s in hopes I would hear another laugh before he realized I was on the other side of the wall.
But when I finally got close enough to hear their conversation, the humor was gone.
“. . . no one else I can trust with this,” Kieran said.
“But Lil,” Conor said after a few seconds, his voice hesitant. “We’ve never—”
“You think I don’t fucking know that?” Kieran growled, his tone toeing the line between Kieran and Nightshade. “But if this meeting is happening tonight, it can’t be missed.”
“It’s happening,” Beck confirmed.
“I’m working with Mickey tonight,” Kieran said after a few seconds, sounding defeated. “Beck’s with us before he hits the streets—and that’s during the time of the meeting. There’s no one else.”
There was a heavy sigh then Beck said, “Lil never comes out here. She only talks to you if you go inside. She won’t realize you’re gone.”
