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I stared at him with my mouth opened for a few seconds, then finally admitted, “I know you do, but I think you’ve forgotten how.”
His expression fell, panic filled his eyes. “Lily, I—don’t you see—?” He stopped talking as abruptly as he shut down every emotion that had managed to leak through.
A sad laugh tumbled from my lips at the sight.
“I see what you show me,” I said, the words no more than a breath. “Don’t forget that I know you, Kieran. I’ve known you my entire life. I grew up learning what emotions you hid from the world, and what your silence meant to everyone, including me. But you were always there. There wasn’t a day that went by that wasn’t filled with you. In the last four years, there hasn’t been a day with you . . . and I’ve needed you the most in that time.”
“Lily . . .” He blinked, flickering away the emotionless mask for a few precious moments. “I love you.” He ran his hands through his shoulder-length blond hair as he took a few steps away from me, but came to a sudden halt. “Do you still love me?”
I wanted to disappear in that moment. I wanted to lie to him. I wanted the truth to be something different than it was. Because the truth was . . . “I don’t know.”
A look of horror crossed his face, one he didn’t try to hide. Or couldn’t.
“You’ve been gone,” I tried to explain when an eternity of minutes passed in weighted silence.
He flung his arms out to the sides, his voice reverberating off the walls when he yelled, “I’m doing all of this for you.”
“How can anything be for me when I don’t want this, Kieran? You and I never wanted this. But you changed your mind and left me to slowly suffocate in this prison alone.” My head dropped and a muted sob fell from my lips when I realized he still didn’t understand. “You’ve asked me to see what you’re doing, but why can’t you see that I’m drowning?”
Kieran was suddenly beside me and pulling me back against his chest. The motion was as familiar as it was unwanted. “You think I can’t see you? You think I’m not here to make sure you don’t? But I saw how my mistakes destroyed you all those years ago. I fucking watched someone try to tear you away from me. If I hadn’t done everything I have been doing the last four years, I would have watched them succeed. There is nowhere we could run that they wouldn’t find us. The price of staying in this life is heavy, heavier than I ever imagined. But I would choose this path again and again over watching you die.”
Another sob wrenched from my chest when he suddenly released me. Turning, I eyed Kieran where he now stood six feet away, his chest heaving with ragged breaths.
“And if this destroys us?”
The corners of his eyes creased before that emotionless, lethal mask of my assassin fell over his face. The only betraying movement was the ticking muscle in his jaw. With a dip of his head, he said, “I would still choose this path over watching you die.”
/> He took a step away, but I called out to him before he could slip away into the night.
“Why won’t you hold me? I, God . . .” I sighed and rubbed at my aching eyes. “I don’t know how many times I’ve asked you this, but if you only knew how much it slowly killed me every time you refu—” I sucked in a sharp inhale when a warm, muscled body suddenly formed against mine. Long, lethal fingers curved gently around my face.
I looked up into piercing green eyes, unable to breathe, having Kieran hold me this way.
“Kieran, I . . .” My body began vibrating almost violently, and it wasn’t until Kieran’s chest heaved that I realized the vibrating was coming from him. “What’s—?” Words failed me when I glanced into his eyes again and saw sheer panic. But that slowly faded.
And the beast rose in its place.
He pushed away from me so forcefully I stumbled back until I hit the nightstand.
Kieran didn’t stop backing away, as though he was trying to force himself to leave before he could do something he knew he’d regret. But as soon as he was standing in the doorway, he gripped the frame, his wild eyes on me.
I’d never seen him so animalistic. Not even when—
A shudder tore through me at the thought.
Kieran was calm. Always. Even as Nightshade. I couldn’t understand what was happening now, but I could feel the danger rolling from him as if it was a living, breathing entity in the room with us.
“Cowards,” he said through clenched teeth.
“What?”
“Cowards stab people in the back. That’s what my dad always said. That’s how he trained me.”
When he didn’t elaborate, I shook my head. “I don’t understand.”
A look of anguish filled his face that was so unlike anything I’d ever seen from him that it stole my next breath. “Understand.” When I only stood there watching him, he said, “I refused to be a coward. You know how I do it, I know you do.”
Of course I did. Everyone knew how he worked. “Pray Nightshade doesn’t find you. He’ll slit your throat . . .” I studied Kieran’s expression as it started to make sense.
