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I had a job.
“Yeah.” Beck nodded and fell back into the chair. “You were working. And if the job called, it didn’t matter if she begged you to stay, you walked. Every time.”
My jaw clenched as that old ache flared in my chest. As the reminder of how I’d failed was shoved in my face.
“I got it. Lily got it. We knew that was how you were. Not that it helped when shit went bad for you two . . .” He shrugged. “I never thought I’d see the day you pushed the job aside for someone. Never thought a girl could make you drop a name from your list.” His eyes narrowed. “And what the fuck were you thinking putting Dare on a kill list? I about lost my shit when Jess said that.”
“I know.”
“That would’ve ruined Lily.”
“Beck, I know.”
“Ruin my best friend, and I’ll fucking kill you.”
My mouth twitched. “You could try.”
His glare hardened for a few seconds before his chest jerked with a deep laugh. “I want to be mad at you, you fuck, let me be mad.”
I walked to the bed and sank down to it, and after a forced breath, opened the burrito and bit into it.
“One of these days, I will succeed in hitting you though,” he said through his own bite. “You won’t be able to dodge me forever.”
“Wait until I’m not looking.”
His eyes widened. “Will that work?”
I bit back a smirk and shook my head.
He seemed to think hard about that as he took another bite. “You wait, man. It’s coming.”
“I know, Beck. After everything”—I blew out a rough breath—“I know.”
He finished his food quickly, the silence pressing in on us uncomfortably as he opened his mouth at least a dozen times to say something.
I just waited.
“I don’t blame you for Aric,” he finally said.
I stilled. I hadn’t been prepared for the conversation to go in this direction. I’d been waiting for him to show me whatever I was here for, so I couldn’t see a connection to Aric.
“I never have, and honestly, I hated that you did. You weren’t even here when it happened. You couldn’t have stopped it. Just like you couldn’t have stopped Johnny from trying to kill Conor.”
I was on a job for Mickey both times. I was always on a job. All I ever did was work because we’d spent years trying to destroy him from the inside. And because I’d been trained to work. To never shift my focus.
And so many were hurt in the process.
“And Lily?” A breath of a laugh left him, and he rubbed at his jaw. “I was so damn mad at her when I found out she’d been seeing Dare. I’ve been mad at her this whole time for leaving.” He tilted his head and said, “But the other day, I felt like you’d stabbed me in the back. I wanted
to take everything you blamed yourself for and hit you with it.”
“Couldn’t dodge that one,” I said numbly and tried to smirk, but it fell. “I understand. I’d even understand if you’d meant every word then.”
“You’re the only one who blames yourself for all that shit,” he said on a weighted breath. Pushing up from his chair, he pulled his phone from his pocket and walked to where I sat. “I’d already known for years that Jess didn’t want me. That she wouldn’t. Think there was a part of me that was holding out for the day that she would, and I lashed out when that hope died.”
Never expected an apology. His words then were more than I deserved.
I didn’t know how to respond to them.
