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My face twisted in disgust and hatred. “No. That . . . that was different. That was right after I started. I tried to go to Jentry for help, but they’d moved. It would’ve taken me forever to find where they’d moved to. But, Declan . . . he’d never been hard to find, and he always led me right to Jentry. So I went to a party he was at one night. I didn’t have to follow him at a distance. No matter how many times I’d seen him and slipped in and out of their houses, Declan hadn’t seen me since we were kids and didn’t remember me. He was all over me, pulling me from the party early and taking me back to their new house.” I forced a shrug. “He became my revenge.”
I knew Jentry would be angry when he found out.
I knew he’d lose control.
And I’d been so desperate for everything to go away that I’d nearly cried in relief when Jentry stormed into the room and started beating the shit out of Declan. I’d taunted him ceaselessly, silently begging him to turn on me next.
The way our father always had.
But he’d taken one look at me, his expression full of so much disgust and darkness and rage, and had storm
ed out of the room.
“That’s why you think I’m going to ruin myself with this revenge?” Kieran’s lethal tone ripped through the memory of one of my many failed attempts at pushing Jentry too far, and I forced a huff.
I opened my mouth to respond then shut it. After a few seconds I said, “It’s a reason. But our situations are so different, and you’re still not seeing yours clearly.”
He loosed a slow breath. “Tell me about the people you owe.”
Tick. Tock.
Tick. Tock.
I rubbed at my chest to ease the sting of hurt at his dismissal and pushed a laugh from my lungs when it suddenly felt difficult to breathe. “What is this, twenty questions?”
“Yes,” he responded shamelessly. “The people you owe.”
I settled against the headboard and looked away. The room felt too hot, and I felt too cold. The chill skating across my skin felt like insects crawling as fear crept through my veins.
The people I owed was really only one man.
He was every nightmare I’d ever endured.
He’d been the fear clinging to my spine since I was eight years old.
He was why I’d become this.
Weak. You’re so weak.
“That’s not something I’ll ever tell you.”
Even though I was now looking at the window, I could feel the way Kieran tilted his head on my leg. Knew he was watching me. Studying me. “Why?”
“Because I don’t need you to try to fix it. I take care of my mom.”
I always had. For the last sixteen years it had been the two of us. And I vowed that we’d have so many more. More that were hopefully different than the previous years. More with her clean. More with her safe.
“Never said you couldn’t, Chaos.” He squeezed my thigh and blew out a ragged breath. “Is she able to take care of herself?”
My teeth gnashed so hard my jaw ached. “I’ll figure out a way to get the knife from this headboard if you continue with that train of thought. I’m never leaving her.”
Jentry and Beck had wanted me to do exactly that. Leave the lost cause. Leave what they thought was holding me back and destroying my life.
I refused to give up on her.
“Jesus, Jessica.” Kieran’s strong fingers gripped my chin and forced my head down so I’d look at him. “I asked because you’ve been here for days. That’s it. Stop being so goddamn defensive.” He released me and rolled onto his back to run his hands over his face.
When his hands fell to his muscled stomach, I reached down to grab one in a silent apology. With another longing look at the window, I said, “Just because you haven’t seen me leave doesn’t mean I’m not taking care of her.”
