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What could have happened between when you sent the song and when you next texted me?
Words: A lot . . .
Words: I don’t know how to talk to you tonight. I don’t know what to say to you. Everything that is running through my mind right now is too personal, and we don’t do personal.
You know me better than anyone. I know you, Words.
Words: Not like this. This would change things.
Try.
Long minutes passed, but this time I gave her the time she needed and tried to stay patient as I waited.
Words: To put it as simply and vaguely as I can . . .
Words: I was asked something, and it made me want to tear myself away from every happiness that I’ve recently found, and any I could possibly find in the future.
Words: It was innocent, really. The person had no clue what kind of devastation they would inflict on me by asking, but it feels like even my soul is crying now. Everything hurts. It hasn’t hurt like this in so long.
I felt helpless. I needed to reach through the phone and grab her, pull her into my arms and not let her go. But she wasn’t real.
You’re not going to tell me what the question was, are you?
Words: I can’t.
Words: And that’s why tonight isn’t a good idea. I don’t have anything I can say to you.
I think that’s why tonight is a perfect idea. I can’t leave you when you hurt.
Words: I won’t be any fun.
I doubt that.
Words: I’m crying.
You have no idea how much I wish I could be there to dry your tears.
Words: My heart . . .
Words: Stranger, don’t. Don’t. Didn’t you just hear me? I already want to tear myself away from the happiness that I’ve found. Don’t make me wish that you would hurry up and find me just so I could rip myself away from you, too.
Fuck if you think I’d let you rip yourself away from me, Words. If I find you, I’m not letting you go.
Words: There you go sweeping me off my feet again, Stranger . . .
Words: How is it possible that I’m unreasonably jealous of the girl you’ll one day leave me for, when you can’t leave what you never found?
I dropped my phone on my chest and let my eyes shut. I wanted to swear that I wouldn’t leave. I wanted to tell her that I would find her.
But I couldn’t.
Words was my outlet. She was the only person who had allowed me to be me without judging me for my past. In the last weeks she had unknowingly forced me to see what I really wanted out of life, when I’d spent years thinking I was happy in my repetitive life. Letting her go, closing that connection, scared the hell out of me. But I knew one day I would.
Because when I thought of Words, I only ever pictured one thing. A thousand faces blurred into one. Always one.
One I could reach out and touch.
One who was real.
