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Coen’s body went rigid, and his mouth slow
ly opened as he stared at me. “Bullshit,” he breathed.
I felt sick. But I needed to do this now. I needed to do this before we got more attached and he ran, and I had no doubt, especially if he heard Parker calling him “Dad”, he would run. “I’m sorry, Coen.”
He shook his head back and forth as he continued to watch me. Glancing over at Parker, his forehead pinched together and a sadness fell over his features before they hardened and he looked back at me. “Hope I was a good distraction for you, Reagan.”
A huff of air blew past my lips. It felt like I’d been punched in the stomach, but I couldn’t stop him from leaving. This needs to be done. The sooner the better. You’re doing the right thing for Parker.
Without another word, Coen turned and started running back toward his condo, and my chest ached. How had this man fallen into our lives, and so quickly embedded himself in my son’s and my heart? Looking back at Parker, I continued to chant to myself that I’d done the right thing, but nothing about what had just happened, or the loss I currently felt, felt like the right thing.
“KEEGAN, PLEASE BE home,” I whispered to myself as I knocked on the door of his apartment a few hours later.
“Where are we?”
Glancing down at Parker, I tried to smile and keep my tone light as I said, “Uncle Keegan’s new apartment.”
“All right! I get to show him how I’m just like Coen now!” he said excitedly, and looked down at his arm, and I bit down on my cheek to stop the agonized cry from leaving me.
“Keegan,” I groaned, and knocked harder.
“Ray, what the—hey, little man!” Keegan sent me a hard look before smiling down at Parker and holding his hand up for Parker to slap.
“Is Erica here?” I asked anxiously.
“Uh . . . yeah?”
“Can she watch Parker while I talk to you?”
“Uh, Ray—”
“Hey, Parker!” Erica came around Keegan and held out her hand for Parker. “Come hang out with me for a little bit.”
“Look what Coen gave me!” Parker said and held out his arm.
Erica and Keegan shared a look before Erica smiled at him again. “That’s awesome! Come tell me all about it, okay?”
I stepped inside and shut the door behind me, and waited until Erica and Parker rounded the corner on the left before I looked at Keegan and broke down. “I’m freaking out! I don’t know what to do, I was—I said a lot to Coen to make him think I didn’t want to be with him. I know he was hurt, and it killed me, but—oh, God, Keegan . . . I couldn’t do it.” I took deep breaths in and out and walked into the living room to drop onto the couch. “He’d leave someday. I know he would. And Parker was falling so in love with him. You should see them together! They’ve barely spent any time together, and already they’re so close.”
“Reagan—”
“He came over last night, and it was perfect. The three of us, the whole thing, it was perfect,” I choked out. My throat felt like it was closing up, but I refused to start crying over this now. I was afraid once I started crying, I wouldn’t stop. “But this morning when I woke Parker up, he asked if Coen was going to be his dad.”
Keegan’s eyes widened and his eyebrows rose. “Uh . . .”
I moved my hands frantically in front of me as I tried to get him to understand the enormity of that. “Two nights together. Two, Keegan. Well, three I guess if you count the dinner when you got out. But that’s beside the point. Three nights, and he asked if Coen was going to be his dad. And he sounded like he wanted it, you know?”
“Seriously, Ray—”
“Then, you know what he told me? He told me the next time he saw Coen, he was going to ask if he could call him ‘Dad.’ I know Coen would eventually leave, and I’ve been protecting Parker and me from that for years . . . but I kept letting myself hope that maybe somehow it would be different because for the first time I actually wanted to be with someone. But after this morning? Well, honestly, it kinda scared the shit out of me how fast all this progressed. But the more I thought about it, the more it felt right for Coen and me. But I knew—I just knew if Parker said that to him it would scare Coen away. And I wouldn’t know how to explain to Parker that he wasn’t the reason Coen wasn’t coming around anymore.” I knew I was rambling, but I couldn’t stop. I needed to ramble. I needed to freak out to my big brother so I wouldn’t lose it while I was alone with Parker later. “I don’t know if Parker is old enough to understand all of this yet. God, I feel sick. I hated saying that to Coen. I just don’t know, Keegan. But I couldn’t risk him running away from us—”
“So instead you pushed me away?”
I shot up off the couch and turned around to see Coen standing in Keegan’s kitchen, his face livid.
“Oh God,” I whispered, and placed a hand on my sensitive stomach. I was going to throw up . . . or faint. I just couldn’t figure out which.
“Instead of letting it all play out . . . instead of letting me surprise you, you took all that away from me. You made my decision for me because you were so sure I would leave when I heard that?”
