If Ted told him to lick his own balls, he might do just that.
“What’s wrong with the options contract now? You didn’t have any problem before,” I say when Ted’s finally comfortable enough in the chair not designed to be comfortable.
“I didn’t, but now it seems the author has designs on me.”
“Who could blame her, sir?” Joey lays it on thick.
I keep my expression perfectly professional. Ted thinks everyone wants him, man or woman, old or young. And Joey feeds Ted’s delusions because he’s the ultimate sycophant.“Well…” I say, “if she’s bothering you, you need to call the police. I can’t add a clause telling her to stay away to the options contract.”
Ted’s eyes widen with horror. “Oh, I wouldn’t want to dothat. Her story’s just the thing I’m looking for, for my next project.Baby for the Asshole.”
“Baby for the Billionaire Boss, sir,” Joey says quickly.
Ted waves a hand. “Whatever, something like that. Point is, the main character reminds me ofme, if I ever got crazy enough to go into finance.” He laughs.
“You’d be great at it, although thank God you didn’t because Hollywood would’ve lost its brightest star,” Joey says.
Why don’t you lick his toes, too?I keep the thought to myself because Joey might just do it. “Then what is it you’d like me to do?”
“Add a clause to the contract that says I reduce her payment by fifty percent if I sleep with her.”
I’m so glad I’m not having my post-lunch coffee right now.
“She has the hots for me,” Ted says, by way of explanation.
“Understandably,” Joey puts in.
Ted smiles. “And honestly, for a chance to sleep with me? She should just give me the book for free. But at the same time, you know, I’m not a total bastard. She’s probably poor. I don’t even think she has a private jet.”
“Most people don’t,” I point out.
Ted says, “I think fifty percent is more than fair. Half-half. Am I right?”
“Absolutely,” Joey says, nodding furiously.
“Although she could get difficult. If so…” Ted shakes his head. “I guess she’ll just have to miss out.” His tone says that would be a tragedy rivalingRomeo and Juliet.
“I don’t think it would be wise to put that in the contract,” I say, since I’m a lawyer dealing with reality, not delusion.
“Why not?” Ted looks genuinely confused. Joey’s expression snaps from woeful loss to nuclear glare in an instant.
“Because it sounds uncomfortably close to prostitution.”
“Hey, it’s not prostitution if she likes it.”
Joey leans forward, forehead glinting. “And really, what young womanwouldn’tpay to be with someone like—”
“Just pay the money.” I maintain my professional demeanor. “It isn’t that much, and it’ll be better for you down the road. Less chance of things getting muddled. She could—”
A piercing scream outside cuts me off.
“Who the hell do you think you are? You aren’t even that cute!” comes a loud female voice outside my office.
Klein says something in even, measured words, which I can’t make out through the door.
“I don’t care if he’s in a meeting! I deserve to see him!” Miss Shrill screeches.
Banging and things falling. The door to my office burst opens, and a tall, lithe blonde struts in, her hips moving with exaggerated swings. Her dress is so tight that everything is outlined, including her nipples. Definitely no underwear.
