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Then there are the kinds of loves that punch you in the gut and knock you down.
That was how I felt about Rae.
Even after two years, even knowing she hated me, even knowing she was only talking to me because she had to, I still felt the way about her as I always had.
I still fucking loved her so hard it knocked me over. Slammed into me like a goddamn sucker punch that would leave a bruise I knew I’d never get rid of.
I wasn’t over her. I’d never had closure to have a chance at getting over her.
And no matter how many times she told me we were never getting back together, I knew she’d never had closure either.
How the hell did you move on from something when the door was still open? You wouldn’t walk away from your house with the door ajar. Why had I allowed her to walk away from me when our door had never shut?
Oh yeah, because I’d fucking cared about her. When she’d made it clear two years ago she was done with me, I’d listened.
I’d been an idiot. And my actions since then had done nothing to endear her to me. Nothing to make her think that I still care about her.
No. I’d just hurt her over and over, no matter how unintentionally.
I pulled up outside my mom’s house and got out of the car.
Marnie opened the door and grinned. “How goes seducing the ex?”
“Fuck off,” I answered, stepping past her into the house.
“Chase.” Mom appeared out of nowhere, hands on her hips as her floral skirt swished. “Don’t speak to your sister like that.”
“Then tell her to stop annoying me.”
“That’s what sisters are for,” Marnie sang, wandering into the kitchen and grinning at me again.
I hit her with a hard look. “And you know what big brothers are for.”
She stilled instantly. “I’m going to call Amber,” she said, running out of the room like I’d lit a firework up her ass.
Mom watched her go then raised her eyebrow at me. “Are you still using the weed thing?”
I shrugged and pulled water from the fridge. “She doesn’t know you know. I’ll take my entertainment where I can get it.”
She laughed. “She has to know I know she’s lying.”
“Sure she does. But as long as nobody tells her for sure, it’s bonafide blackmail for me.” I leaned against the edge of the counter. “And coming in real handy this week.”
“Mmm. I heard you and Rae are talking again.” She raised one eyebrow, her blue eyes full of questions.
“I wouldn’t say we’re talking…” I trailed off. “I’d say I’m talking, and she’s mostly bitching at me, which isn’t entirely undeserved, so…”
She waved her spoon at me. “Child, I told you that store was a bad idea. You know she was havin’ one hell of a time when she broke up with you. If you’d bided your time, you’d have had her back in a hot minute.”
“Thank you for that, Yoda.”
She shot me a look that told me to watch my mouth.
“I know that now, Mom, but I didn’t back then. I made a mistake, and now I’m paying for it. But at least she’s talking to me now.”
“Jenna told me you broke her toe.”
“The scraper broke her toe!”
“Blaming it on a scraper isn’t going to get back in her good books.”
“Nothing will get me back in her good books. I could shut the store and give her all my money and apologize on my knees for the next six months and it still won’t work.”
“And whose fault is that?”
“I’m twenty-seven, not ten. You don’t need to teach me about taking the blame for things.”
“Good. Then accept the blame, admit to her you were wrong and that you didn’t open the store to ruin her business, and maybe you’ll get somewhere with her.”
I snorted and took a seat at the island in the middle of the modern, open kitchen with black cupboards and white-granite countertops. “I’m almost certain her hatred is real. Any residual feelings she may have are just that. They’re purely there because we’re talking. I’m not going to kid myself into thinking Rae has any genuine feelings left for me. She made that quite clear when she told Jenna she’d rather walk over hot coals on her hands than get back with me.”
Mom laughed. “To be honest, Chase, if I were her, I’d rather walk over hot coals on my hands than get back with you, too.”
“Thanks. That makes me feel tons better.”
She dropped the spoon on the counter and turned to look at me. “What do you want me to tell you? She’s wrong for feeling the way she does? ‘Cause that ain’t gonna happen. Was she wrong for breaking up with you how she did? She sure was, son. Don’t get me wrong. But you took it like a big ol’ baby. She’s justified in her feelings until you man up and tell her everything, and that includes telling her that you still love her.”
