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“What do you mean?”
The water bottle thumped down into the dispenser and I reached down to grab it.
When I stood up straight, she was close to me, inches away. She touched my cheek with the back of her hand then kissed me.
I returned that kiss before turning her and pushed her back against the machine. The plastic front flexed with a deep boom. She let out a little gasp as I pressed my knee between her legs and cupped her ass with my hands. I kissed her hard, deeper, and the water bottle dropped to the floor, rolling away.
I didn’t care. I suddenly wanted her so badly. It was like that single touch, that simple kiss, pushed me over the edge and now I couldn’t stop myself. I was an animal, unleashed.
She moaned into my kiss. It was too far, much too far. At any second, someone might walk in and see what we were doing—and then it was all over.
She put her hands on my chest and pushed back.
I let out a soft grunt, half a growl, and stared into her eyes. Her mouth hung open.
“We can’t,” she said.
“I don’t care.”
“I do.” She looked away. “If someone comes in, we’re both screwed. You know that, right?”
I stepped away with a curse and grabbed the water bottle from the floor. I took off the cap and chugged down half of it, the water so cold that it hurt my head and made my teeth burn.
“It’s this constant tug of war,” I said, looking back at her, “whenever you’re around.”
“Between what?”
“What I need to do, and what I want to do.”
“It’d be nice if those two things could align for once.”
“You’re right, but they never seem to. It feels like whenever I decide that I want you, there’s some reason holding us back.”
“Or it’s the same reason, over and over.” She sighed and looked up at the tile drop ceiling. “If I wasn’t your student, and you weren’t my attending, it wouldn’t matter. We could do whatever we wanted.”
“And yet here we are.” I tilted my head, staring at her. “You came in early to see me, didn’t you?”
She blushed a bit, and I felt a strange thrill run through my stomach. Of course that was why she came in—that was why she showed up here, why she hunted me down. She didn’t need to be in work yet, but she wanted to be.
She wanted to be around me.
That thought made me feel strangely good. I never experienced that before. My whole life, I’d pushed people away, acted like a grumpy asshole, pretended like I didn’t need people at all. Truth was, I needed someone to want me, and always wished someone out there would see past my hard exterior. She could, or at least she tried to, and the thought of her sitting at home thinking about me and feeling excited to see me made my stomach feel light.
“Don’t get all full of yourself.”
“I like it, though,” I said softly. “I want you to want me. You know that, right?”
“Of course you do. Dr. Asshole, you don’t care about anyone. That’s what you want everyone to think at least, right?”
“No, that’s all wrong.” I stepped toward her, almost pleading, and nearly begging for her to understand. “It’s not that I want to push people away, it’s that I’m driven to be the best—and that pushes them away for me.”
“Sounds like a good excuse.”
“But it’s the truth. You know I’m good. I didn’t get that good by spending a lot of time making other people happy.”
“And yet you’re trying to change. I saw you back there with that nurse. You helped her. You didn’t have to do that.”
“It’s because of you,” I said, staring at her. “You made me want to do this.”
“You had to do it. I mean, if you didn’t, you’d probably be fired already.”
I shook my head firmly. “No, it’s you. I might’ve given up already and walked away. I could find another job without too much trouble, even with this Nil Tippett blotch on my record. There are a lot of doctors out there that know me and would want me in their practice. I stayed because of you, Lori.”
“I didn’t ask that of you,” she said, almost whispering.
“I know you didn’t, but I wanted it. You need my training, and I need you. It’s a good match, right?”
She laughed and walked toward the door, shaking her head. “I’m getting the better deal.”
“I doubt that.”
She glanced back over her shoulder. “I’m getting some coffee. Do you want something?”
“Please,” I said, and she left.
I stood alone in the lounge for a few minutes, thinking about that conversation. It all made so much sense—my feelings for her, my need to stay at this hospital, everything. She was the catalyst for it all, the driver behind my desire to become a better man.
