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I hadn’t known minds could grow so overwhelmed that they could focus on a million things all at once, but mine had managed to do it. Currently, my thoughts consisted of: What am I going to do for a real job? Will I stay in Havenbarrow or move back to the city? Where is Penn? Does he really miss me, or is he just lonely? If he does miss me, why hasn’t he come looking for me?
Because he doesn’t know where you are, Kennedy.
If he really cared, wouldn’t he try to track me down? Wouldn’t he call me instead of just texting?
I also wondered what Jax was up to during the storms. Had he really meant he didn’t want to reconnect? It was hard for me to believe that. I still had so many questions, like how had he bulked up so much from being the skinny boy he was? Why had he stopped writing me? And, most importantly, what had happened to his mother?
Every time I spoke to Yoana, the worry in her voice grew stronger. I sometimes wished she wasn’t so good at reading me—even through a cell phone speaker—but my sister knew the heaviness in my soul was so hard to handle some days.
“I’m okay,” I kept promising her. I felt bad for promising lies, but she was halfway around the world—so there was nothing she could do for me to make everything better. My anxiety and sadness needed to be dealt with by me and only me. No one else could save me.
Well, no one except maybe Joy Jones.
As I was stuck in my house, wandering back and forth in my dining room anticipating yet another night of failed sleep, I heard a tapping at my window. I looked up and saw Joy standing there, throwing something in my direction. She was reaching out of her fully opened window, tossing things in my direction to get my attention while allowing her arm to get extremely soaked.
Uncertain what she was doing, I went and opened my window. “Hi,” I said hesitantly, raising an eyebrow. “Are you okay?” I knew she was in her late eighties, and if there was something to be alarmed about, I wanted to help her the best I could. I knew I wasn’t the most stable person, but if I could somehow build up enough courage to help another, I was all over that idea.
“Hi, sweetheart, yes. I just wanted to see if you’d like to come over for a cup of tea,” she sweetly replied.
“Um, it’s past ten at night, Joy.”
Her smile spread, and she nodded once. “So wine?”
I laughed and agreed. What else was I going to do? Sit and overthink everything for the remainder of the night? I tossed on a raincoat and boots. When I opened my front door and saw the downfall of rain along with the lightning striking above, my chest tightened with nerves.
Just walk, Kennedy. It’s right next door.
But I can’t move.
The more the sky cried, the more tightness gathered in my chest as the sense of panic began building. I should’ve been better at this. I should’ve been able to walk forward without concern. But flashes of the night from the accident swirled in my mind, and I hadn’t been able to push them away.
I can’t do it, I thought to myself, closing my eyes from embarrassment, from shame.
“Yes, you can,” a voice called out. I turned to my left to see Joy smiling my way with the most sincere look. “Come on now, you’re not alone. Just a few steps, and your glass of wine awaits.”
“I… My…” I shut my eyes and inhaled deeply. My hands were beginning to tremble as the fear began filling me up inside.
“It’s okay to be afraid, sweetheart,” Joy commented. “You can be afraid and brave all at the same time. Now, come on. The wine is chilled, and the company is good. Even if you have to hold your breath and dash over here, do it. Then we can breathe together.”
I did as she said. I held my breath and dashed across the yard, wrapping around the sidewalk and sprinting up her footpath. The moment I made it up to her front porch, I ran into her house without being invited in, like a crazed lunatic.
I shivered in her foyer, shaking off the rain, and Joy followed me inside, handing me a towel she already had waiting. “There we are.” She smiled. “That wasn’t so bad.”
If only she knew the speed of my pounding heart. It had been a lot harder than it seemed.
“White or red?” she asked.
“Um, white if you have it.”
“Oh, honey, I have everything. Now, come on, sit down on the sofa and make yourself comfortable. I made a little charcuterie board for us to snack on while we chat. It’s right there on the table if you want to pick at it.”
