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Fuck who my father used to be.
Also fuck who he was that evening.
Fuck the man who made my cold heart try to break. My heart couldn’t break any more because it’d been shattered too much throughout the years.
* * *
When I arrived home, I went out to the woods to clear my head. There were too many thoughts going through my mind to go straight to bed. I was tired, but I knew there was no way I’d be able to sleep.
As I approached my normal spot, I paused, seeing a woman sitting there against my bench. The closer I grew, the realization set in on who it was exactly.
“What are you doing here?” I barked, tilting my head in disbelief.
Kennedy looked up and gave me a halfway smile. She had a notebook in her hand that she was scribbling away at before I called out to her.
“Hi,” she breathed out. “I um, I just needed some air.”
“There’s air other places.”
“Yes, but this is the most beautiful place I’ve found yet.”
“You’re trespassing again,” I grumbled, annoyed by her need to break the rules. Secretly kind of relieved to see her. Truthfully I didn’t know what I was feeling. After the crappy visit with my father, my emotions were twisted upside down.
“I think we both are going to have to come to grips with the fact that I’m the girl who trespasses.”
I grimaced and raked my hand through my hair. How had I wanted her here and wanted her gone all at the same time?
She scooted over on the bench and patted the spot beside her. “You can join me.”
“I don’t want to talk,” I snapped.
“Of course. You’ve never been much for talking.”
“I don’t want you to talk, either,” I urged.
She frowned. “Well, we both know I have a way of being chatty, but I can be quiet tonight.”
I should’ve told her to leave, and walked into my home for the night. I should’ve told her to not come back. I should’ve told her I never wanted to see her again, because my life was fine without her.
Instead, I sat, because even misery needed company sometimes.
We stayed quiet for a long time. Kennedy kept scribbling away in her notebook, and every now and again, I’d sneak peeks at what she was writing. It was a to do list. Things to see and do in Havenbarrow.
Meet Marshmallow the cat.
Black and white movie nights.
Hidden library.
Connect with an old friend.
Tell Jax that it’s okay that he’s reading my list.
Ask Jax if he’s okay.
Tell Jax to stop flaring his nostrils because he’s realizing I’m writing messages to him.
I groaned, taking my eyes from her notebook. “You’re weird.”
“I think that was one of your favorite qualities about me.”
I stayed quiet.
She kept pushing. “Are you okay?” she asked.
“What happened to no talking?”
“You know I struggle with that.”
I shook my head. “I don’t know much about you anymore. We were kids back then. A lot has changed.”
“Like what?” she questioned.
I looked into her honey-colored eyes and for a moment I didn’t want to turn away. I wanted to hug her, too. I wanted to tell her everything that unfolded over the years. I wanted to let her in on the heaviness of my heartaches. I wanted a friend.
I needed a friend, but I didn’t deserve one.
“It doesn’t matter what’s changed,” I said. “All that matters is that change has happened.”
“Are you okay, Jax?” she asked again, this time her voice coated with the sincerest care and kindness I’d heard in some time.
“It’s none of your concern.”
“I want it to be, though.” She placed a hand against my arm, and a shot of lightning struck my soul. Her simple touch sent an electric current though my whole system, straight to my heart to try to bring it back to life.
“If you need to talk, Jax,” she offered again, and I let her hand linger for a moment because the warmth felt healing.
Why didn’t Amanda’s touch do that to me?
I pulled my arm away from Kennedy as the cold returned to me. I clasped my hands together and lowered my head as my knuckles turn white. More moments of unspoken words. Then, the mumbles slowly released from my lips.
“My father is dying,” I confessed.
“Yes. Joy mentioned that. I’m so sorry, Jax.”
“He’s an asshole. Or at least he was before all of this.”
“And now?”
“Now, he’s just there and he has nothing.”
“He has you.”
“I’ve never been enough for him before, so I doubt I’d be enough now.”
What was I doing? Why was I talking about this? Before she could reach out to send another current through my system, I stood. My brows knotted, I stuffed my hands into my jeans pockets, and I began mentally retreating back to my lonely self.
“You need to stay off my property,” I told her. “If you don’t, I will get law enforcements involved.”
