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It was dark and I knew he hated the dark. There wasn’t much Jax wasn’t afraid of, that was for sure.
All we had for light was the lantern I brought with us, with a flickering candle. I figured a flashlight would scare the deer off too much.
I had my gun, too, just in case Jax needed help.
All he had to do was kill the deer. All he had to do was pull the trigger and Cole would like him. Then everything would go back to normal. Mom and Cole would stop fighting, and we’d be able to stay a family.
I used the lantern to help us see the deer moving through the trees. Cole taught me you had to be patient when catching a beauty like the whitetail deer.
So, we waited, and waited, and waited some more.
Finally, it showed up. The deer was big. Almost two sizes bigger than the one I shot last fall.
“There you go, Jax. He’s a beaut! Line it up,” I ordered, even though Jax’s hands were shaky.
Then, we heard the voice in the woods, calling out to us both. “Jax! Derek!”
Mom.
She was coming.
She knew we were gone.
Fuck.
“Do it!” I whisper-shouted, making Jax jump, and knock the candle over from freight.
“Geez, Jax, come on! You got this, just pull the trigger. Pull the trigger, pull the—”
The shot was heard, and Jax dropped the gun from his grip.
We heard a scream.
The gun dropped from my hands, and I tried my best to look into the darkness. I heard sobbing as I rushed through the darkness toward the cries. As I reached the noise, a rush of panic shot through me as I saw blood painting the grass and branches around me. I stared down into a pair of doe eyes, which were wide with panic.
“Mom!” I shouted. Jax rushed over, terrified like me.
“Boys,” Mom breathed out, shaking with her words as tears streamed down her cheeks.
What?
How?
No…
Jax’s hands scooped hers into mine as I began screaming. “Help!” I shouted, panic hitting every inch of my being. My chest rose and fell erratically as I felt as if my heart was being ripped from inside my chest.
“It’s okay, baby,” Mom cried, squeezing her hands in Jax’s.
“I’m sorry, Mom,” Jax sobbed.
Her words faded off as the darkness of the night began to swallow me whole.
No, no, no…
“What did I do?!” Jax cried as panic set in my chest. It was all my fault.
Tears flooded my eyes as he stared down at Mom. “Oh my god,” I cried out, pacing back and forth. It wasn’t him. It wasn’t him.
Tell him that it was my gun. Tell him I pulled the trigger. Be fucking brave!
But I couldn’t. I couldn’t push the words out.
I said the one thing that should’ve never left my lips as my little brother sobbed with our mother in his arms. “Jax,” I cried out, my voice strained. “What did you do?”
38
Kennedy
Present day
No words came to me as Derek unfolded his story.
He continued to fall apart in the middle of the daisies, and I shook my head. “You have to tell him the truth.”
“No, I can’t. I can’t…it will kill him,” he choked out. “He’ll never forgive me.”
“That doesn’t matter, Derek. He’s been through hell, living his whole life with this pain and guilt for something he didn’t even do! You own him that much! You don’t deserve to keep this from him. And I’m sorry, if you don’t tell him, I will.”
“What’s going on?” a voice asked from behind us. I turned to see Jax standing there, looking confused. “Derek, are you okay? Is it because of Dad passing away?” he asked so sincere.
Derek shook his head. “I’m sorry, Jax.”
“It’s okay. Whatever it is, it’s okay.” He walked over to his brother, completely ignorant to the reason behind Derek’s tears. He hadn’t a clue why his brother was falling apart, but he gave him comfort. A comfort I didn’t believe he deserved.
“Tell him,” I ordered Derek, who’s guilt was plastered all over his face.
“Tell me what?” Jax asked. “What’s going on.”
Derek lowered his head and kept apologizing. The words felt less authentic every time they left his mouth.
“Sorry for what?” Jax questioned. “What the hell is going on?”
Derek took a deep breath and revealed everything to his brother. The words burned as they fell off Derek’s tongue and hit Jax’s soul.
Jax stepped farther away from his brother. “No. You let me…” He closed his eyes tight and took in a deep breath. “I spent my whole life thinking I was the one who…”
“I know,” Derek confessed, nodding his head. “I know. I can’t take it back, and I’m sorry. I ran away all those years ago because I couldn’t face what I’d done, Jax. I was a coward. I was fucked up in the head and I left. I regret it every day of my life.”
