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Time was running out, and there was a strong possibility that when my heart stopped beating, it wouldn’t begin again.
That reality was too much to take in. I’d been trying my best not to allow it to settle into me, but now I had to face the facts. My time left was short, and unless a transplant came through for me, I was a hopeless case.
I was dying.
I went back home and lay on the sofa for the remainder of the day. Maiv said I was able to work from home, but I hadn’t been able to do any work at all. The new medicines made me drowsier than I wanted to be. All I could do was rest and hope things began to shift.
When Connor came home, he walked in alarmed. The moment he saw me laid out on the sofa, he hurried over to me. “Hey.”
“Hi,” I replied, sitting up a bit.
“Still feeling awful?”
“Still feeling awful.”
He nodded slowly and gave me a broken smile that read more like a frown. “God…I should’ve never had you standing in the rain on that rooftop. I’m sure that didn’t help the situation.”
“This isn’t your fault.”
“I know. It’s just that…” He paused for a moment and looked down at the floor before bringing his blue eyes to meet my browns. Those eyes flashed with such hurt that my own chest ached. His lips parted again as he found his lost words. “It’s just that if there was something wrong with you, my heart would break.”
I loved him.
It wasn’t the kind of love I’d ever experienced in the past. No, this love was authentic. It was both exciting and scary. Powerful yet calm. I knew if I had to die, I’d be lucky because for the first time in my life, I knew what true love felt like. Connor gave me himself day in and day out. I couldn’t imagine a better person to love.
“Connor,” I started, feeling the emotion sitting behind my eyes. I wanted to tell him how I felt about him, how he made me feel safe in an unsafe world. How he healed the cracks of my broken soul, which others had left battered and bruised. That if ever he wasn’t okay, my heart would break, too.
Instead, I pushed out a smile and tried to ignore the feelings overpowering me. “Thank you for checking on me,” I said, leaning toward him, feeling faint but not wanting him to know it. Because in our make-believe world, I wasn’t sick. I didn’t have any kind of illness, my body didn’t ache, and my chest didn’t burn.
“I’ll always check on you.” He shifted a bit on the cushion. “Do you need anything? Soup? Crackers and clear soda?”
I shook my head. Honestly, I hadn’t been able to keep anything down. The idea of eating anything else made my stomach turn.
“I’m okay.”
“Are you going to be resting on the sofa?”
“Yeah. I haven’t moved much from this position.”
“Do you need someone to rest on the sofa with you?”
Gosh, that man made my heart feel things I didn’t know hearts could feel. If his care and attention to me had been enough to heal, my heart would’ve lived forever.
I nodded, and he was wrapped around me within seconds.
We lay on the couch, and he became my pillow as he wrapped his large arms around my body. Connor was the weighted blanket I’d always needed in my life. Just by holding me, he made me feel safe in an unsafe world.
“Doesn’t The Bachelor come on tonight?” he asked, glancing down at his watch.
“Yeah, but I know you don’t like that show. I’m recording it so I can watch it later.”
Without question, he picked up the remote and turned on the television, putting on The Bachelor. I breathed through my mouth because my nose was too stuffed up.
“How was work?” I asked, trying to ignore the aching of my body. Everything hurt. Even holding my eyes open felt exhausting.
“I couldn’t focus.” He shook his head. “Too worried about you.”
“Please don’t do that. Please don’t worry about me, Connor.”
“Too late, Red. I already am.”
I snuggled up against him and didn’t make it through ten minutes of the show before I fell asleep in his arms. When I woke up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, to my surprise, he was still there. He stayed.
Connor wouldn’t let me out of his sight after me being sick. He’d already canceled our trip to Kentucky, thinking it wasn’t a good idea for me to travel while I wasn’t feeling well. I was thankful for that, because I didn’t want to tell him how I couldn’t make the trip, even if I wanted to go.
I was still trying to play it off as if it were nothing more than a cold, but the seriousness of the situation weighed heavy on my heart. I knew I had to make some big choices sooner than later and come back to the reality of what my future, or lack thereof, looked like. But instead, I fell more into Connor. More into his warmth, more into the haven he’d created for me. I wanted to pretend for a while that I wasn’t as sick as I was. It just so happened that that was easiest when I was in his arms.
