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Me: Well, okay then. I’m glad. I mean, that you weren’t offended. Not so much that you had sex, but I suppose in a way, I am glad about that too.
Me: Okay. That last part sounded so weird. I don’t even know how to explain it off as normal.
I sink my head into my head and groan and laugh at the same time. God, I really am so awkward sometimes.
Luckily, Holley sends another text that instantly makes me smile.
Holley: Haha. Girl, you’re preaching to the weird and awkward choir.
Yeah, I think a friendship with Holley might work out perfectly…
With my phone in my hand, I start to send another text, but my office door swinging open startles me so much that I drop my phone into the desk drawer and slam it shut.
“Knock, knock,” Rebecca says, leaning into my doorway, and I try to ignore how weird my phone hiding just looked and turn to smile in Rebecca’s direction.
“Hey, girl. What’s up?”
“Just wanted to check in with you. See if you enjoyed yourself Tuesday,” she says with a waggle of her eyebrows, and I laugh, blushing a little.
“I did. I mean, maybe not like you’re thinking, but…well, I met his kids.”
Her eyes widen comically, and immediately, she steps inside my office, shuts the door, and takes a seat in the chair across from my desk.
Well, okay then.
“You met the kids? Already? How did it go?”
I laugh. “Um, yeah. And it went pretty well, I think. I really like them. And I think they’re prepared to tolerate me.”
“Well, I’ll be damned. I guess it’s getting serious, then, huh?”
I shrug. Obviously, it is, but a part of me still doesn’t know how to reconcile that with the fact that it’s all a giant secret.
A secret that is your freaking fault.
“Yeah.” I nod. “I—”
Rebecca jumps as her phone buzzes in her pocket, and she hurries to take it out. “Sorry.” She apologizes toward me, whispering, “We’ll have to catch up later. I have to run over to the hospital really quickly for a consult.”
I nod. “Of course.”
“I’m glad it’s going so well,” she says over her shoulder as she steps out, and I paste a smile to my face in answer.
But the truth is, now that she’s made me think, I don’t know how to feel anymore. I mean, how serious can a relationship be if it’s still a secret?
I glance back to the drawer where I abandoned my phone and pull it out again. I twirl it in my hands for a few long moments and then, finally, click into my contacts list and scroll down to my dad.
My finger hovers over the button, but it’s his voice in my head, a replay of our conversation at Thanksgiving, as clear as crystal, and it stops me.
“My priorities were always at the firehouse instead of at home. I’m a good guy, but I wasn’t good enough for her, and I wouldn’t be good enough for you either.”
Instantaneously, I picture Garrett at the firehouse, working alongside my dad as he gets a text telling him that his daughter is dating one of his firemen, and I picture it happening with no warning.
All I see are fists flying and bloody faces on the two men who mean the most to me in this world.
I’ll tell him eventually. I will. I have to. But today’s not the day.
January 31st
Garrett
Sweaty and dirty, my whole unit crowds into what we call “the buggy” to head back from the outskirts of San Diego. Tasked with protecting the structure next to the one on fire—the only barrier between the raging blaze and 20,000 acres of national forest—it’s been a long day of hosing and trenching lines.
My adrenaline still flows with abandon, though, so I don’t think twice about plucking my phone out of my pocket and sending a text to the person who’s been on my mind since we parted ways on Tuesday.
More specifically, though, I can’t stop thinking about the fact that I haven’t given her a proper touch or kiss since I left her in my bed on Monday morning.
I’m well aware of the strain my career choice can put on a relationship—my divorce is living proof. But I never dreamed of the longing it would make me feel in the beginning of a relationship—how hard it would make starting something new with someone.
Me: Hey, Dr. Lauren, I’ve got an ache, and I’m kind of hoping you can help me diagnose it.
It’s actually impressive how quickly she messages back to my playful opening, even after missing the lighthearted nature I intended entirely.
Lauren: An ache? What happened? Did you get hurt on one of your callouts?
I smile and type again, leaning into the window to ensure our messages stay out of eyesight of the guys next to me.
Me: No, nothing like that. This happened kind of…slowly.
